At least it wasn't as bad as the Cincinnati game!

Okay, that's not much of a reassurance. But don't worry, I have many more rationalizations (remember, I am a Cleveland fan), like "We've been beaten worse by Pittsburgh before!" Or what about, "Since most people don't have the NFL Network, the Browns didn't really get creamed on national television!" And then there's my personal favorite, "Moral victory! Moral victory!"

Honestly, that sucked, a lot. Just last week, the Browns beat an actual good team. And recently they at least played even with these same Steelers in a game they should've won. So, in an attempt to diagnose the team's problems, here's a special section I like to call...

Hey, Wha' Happened?

• Passing offense - Derek Anderson played fairly well and the pass protection was great considering how Pittsburgh's blitzes used to give the Browns fits. But those dropped passes...
• Rushing offense - Pitiful, absolutely pitiful. The offensive line couldn't open any holes at all, especially to the outside. Fortunately, Jeff Davidson didn't try to force the issue by "establishing the run".
• Passing defense - Nate Washington's touchdown bomb was ugly, but just one play. The real storyline is not the failing of the defensive backs, but of the pass rush. Well, actually there wasn't one. Of course Ben Röthlisberger found an open receiver every single time he dropped back; he had all of 20 seconds to wait for someone to find space.
• Rushing defense - Also pitiful, but I maintain that if the Browns could've stopped the pass, Willie Parker's exploits would've meant next to nothing. You win with the pass, not with the run.
• Special teams - The special teams unit continues their slow descent back to Earth. They played an unspectacular game, with Dawson's missed field goal as the only true mistake. It wouldn't be fair to Josh "MTV" Cribbs to fault him for failing to score a touchdown, but I can't help myself. Shame on you, Josh. We're not mad at you, just disappointed.

And now on to your regularly scheduled items:

Play of the Week

Alex says: The game was out of hand, but I'm always up for some padding of the stats! So, when Derek Anderson hit Braylon Edwards for a short 5-yard hook that turned into a 45-yard touchdown, not only did the Browns regain a slight air of dignity, but it filled out the stat sheet quite nicely. You can ratchet up that fourth down conversion percentage and all sorts of passing measures. Now that's what I'm talking about! As a thought experiment, if the pass had simply dropped incomplete, all else being equal, Derek Anderson's QB rating for the game would drop by more than 16 points. What a play.

Corey says: Though the Browns played terribly overall, they did manage a couple of good plays, most of them in the passing game. My choice for this week is a play you might not remember, because it only gained 16 yards and because it occurred very early in the game. Nonetheless, it was very well thought-up and very well executed. Facing 1st-and-10 in the first quarter after a roughing the punter penalty breathed new life into the Browns' drive, the Browns' interior linemen--Andruzzi, Fraley, and Coleman--did their best matador impressions and allowed their opponents to run right past them. Derek Anderson waited until the last possible moment before getting creamed by the 5 Steelers who were blitzing, to toss a quick screen to Reuben Droughns right in front of him, who then had a convoy of three heavy-duty offensive linemen to block for him, and no linebackers in sight. Thanks to those 3 blockers and another key block further downfield by Kellen Winslow, Droughns picked up 16 yards and a first down. I really liked this play call, because the Steelers, as a team, blitz a ton. Although Pittsburgh currently ranks 10th in defending passes to running backs (-30.4% DVOA), in 2005, they really struggled in this area (ranking 30th in the NFL with 20.2% DVOA), which I believe was due to their blitz-happy schemes. Also: normally, when the Browns run a screen pass, it's the type of play that ends with Dennis Northcutt or someone tackled for a loss of 1 over by the sideline. Not so on this particular play. Well done, I say.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Dave Zastudil may have been the only Brown to make good on all the opportunities handed to him this week. On his six punts, five were fielded within the 21-yard line--including two either downed or fair caught within the 10. And keep in mind that the game time temperature was around -350ºF. Since Chris Gardocki was so discourteously shunned from the team, the Browns have had inconsistent punters to say the least. I don't want to jump the gun, but the DZast-er looks like a keeper for the long term. Coming into this game, the Browns' punting unit ranked seventh in the NFL according to Football Outsiders. Zastudil is 28--not too bad for a special teamer--and as a local legend, the team should be inclined to keep him around longer than usual.

Corey says: For lack of any truly obvious candidates, I'm going with Derek Anderson. He did throw for a lot of yards, and despite a couple of mistakes (such as the interception), threw most of his passes on the money. The receivers dropped a ton of balls, though, so the stats don't look as pretty as they should. See my Number of the Week (below) for more on all the dropped passes.

Quote of the Week

Alex says:

"It's just... beat. We're beat. That's what it was. We got beat. Alright?" --Romeo Crennel

Easy, big fella! Romeo Crennel certainly isn't loquacious in press conferences, but after this loss he was downright grouchy. Of course, who can blame him? Anyway, the Romeo Crennel Grace Period has come to a close; some fans are beginning to turn on him and the entire coaching staff. This isn't an exoneration of Romeo, but fans are more inclined to dislike him because he gives exactly the wrong reactions on the sideline that we don't want to see. Instead of being fired up and yelling at players who suck, the cameras usually catch Crennel motionlessly staring at the field--not talking to assistants or players. My gut tells me that how the coach acts on the sideline doesn't matter much, but I would feel better if he didn't conjure images of Terry Robiskie looking confused so often.

Corey says:

"I hate talking about college, but when I was in Miami we had already won the game before it happened. Intimidation was a factor. The work ethic was a factor. That's the point the Cleveland Browns have to get to. That's what the Steelers do. They try and intimidate you and they do a good job of doing that and that's why they're the defending champions." --Kellen Winslow

As you might guess, I disagree with this argument very strongly. I don't think the Steelers' winning the Super Bowl had anything whatsoever to do with their ability to intimidate their opponents. More importantly, though, I would like to ask Kellen why, exactly, he "hates talking about college." Seems like an odd thing to say, is all.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: When the Browns still had a chance--their first drive of the game--Dave Zastudil and his Punt Coverin' Crew executed a textbook punt. Once the ball had completed its magical journey through the pollution-choked Pittsburgh skies, it died a quiet and peaceful death at the Steelers own 3-yard line. And while on its deathbed, waiting by its side were no fewer than seven Browns ready to pin the Steelers near their own end zone. Assuming the DZast-er was covering deep, that leaves only two players unaccounted for. While we may never know for sure, I'd bet they were probably fetching Gatorade for needy children or something.

Corey says: Alex took mine, so for variety, I'll go with the blocked field goal. I believe it was Alvin "Mount" McKinley who got his hand on it, though the kick was awfully low to begin with. Have you noticed that when the Browns block kicks, it's always either McKinley or Orpheus Roye doing the blocking? For some reason, I think of a "typical" blocked kick being blocked by a speedy guy coming around the corner, but that could just be in my head. Maybe the majority of blocks are in fact accomplished by the big, tall interior linemen who get a finger or two on the ball as it sails overhead.

Sam Palumbo Memorial Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: The Browns may be the only team in the NFL that goes three deep at tight end and two deep at fullback. And for that reason, I'd like to honor the team's Mr. Everything, Lawrence Vickers. First of all, he's a fullback. He even got a carry this week. Second of all, he's a key special teamer. Lawrence returned his fourth kickoff on Thursday. And finally, he makes for an excellent punchline. Next time you're watching a Browns game, and the offense is struggling, suggest that they bring in Vickers to run his signature halfback sweep or even to throw a halfback pass. You'll knock 'em dead every time.

Corey says: I'm going with rookie DB Jereme (middle name Jovon) Perry, #31, because, uhh... his birthday is coming up (December 15). Is it me, or have the Browns had an underwhelming crop of obscure players so far this year. Call up Buck Ortega and Therrian "Don't Forget" Fontenot already!

Fashion Item of the Week

Alex says: I should have a better resistance than this, but whenever I caught a glimpse of the referees in their black pants, I had to shake my head in disgust. It's hard to decide whether they look more like they're wearing pajamas or sweat pants. It's just atrocious. Can the referees have a throwback uniform day too?

Corey says: If you watched the post-game interviews on the Browns' website, you saw Braylon Edwards' oh-so-stylish locker room outfit. I believe the correct term is "pimpin'". Braylon had on a black suit with a black hat, a red and black tie, and a bright red opera scarf à la Al Capone. Maybe you just had to see it.

Idiot of the Week

Alex says: Some people would say that you can't blame Willie Parker for his idiotic nickname, but I say you definitely can. Parker is indeed a fast runner, he may even be the fastest player in the NFL. But "Fast" is--without exception--a stupid nickname. Derek Anderson is tall, but no one calls him "Tall" Derek Anderson. Ted Washington is really fat, but no one calls him "Fat" Ted Washington. Joe Jurevicius is super white, but no one calls him "White" Joe Jurevicius. That "Fast" even got a foothold in Pittsburgh before catching on nationwide speaks to the general low intelligence of Steeler fans. The worst nickname to come out of Cleveland in recent memory is probably Anderson "Wild Thing" Varejão, and that's only because it's been used before. But to reach Willie Parker-levels of stupidity, it would have to be something like "Brazilian" Anderson Varejão.

Corey says: Believe me when I tell you that the NFL Network has not put an end to my quest to listen to an NFL television color commentator who is not a complete moron, just once in my life. Someday I may get my wish, but Cris Collinsworth won't be the guy to grant it. I don't even want to get into specifics; I'm just glad he doesn't cover the Browns again this year.

Number of the Week

Alex says: 2, the number of Browns rushes that were successful. As Aaron Schatz wrote in Pro Football Prospectus 2006, "A successful play must gain 40% of needed yards on first down, 60% of needed yards on second down, and 100% of needed yards on third down." One of those successful plays was a Derek Anderson scramble up the middle on 3rd-and-2 that gained four yards... but resulted in a lost fumble. Thus the Browns' only unequivocally successful run was on their sixth play from scrimmage: Reuben Droughns gained five yards off right guard on 2nd-and-8. Jeff Davidson only called 11 running plays on Thursday, but maybe he should've called fewer. As bad as the run defense played, the run offense was worse.

Corey says: Derek Anderson threw 37 passes, 16 of which fell incomplete. That may seem like kind of a bad percentage on paper; however, based on my review of the game tape, 11 of those 16 were the result of dropped passes. That would mean that Anderson threw 37 passes, only 5 of which were "normal" incompletes; that is, incompletes for which the primary blame could reasonably be assigned to Anderson. (The unofficial Heinz Field tally says the Browns dropped only 7 passes, but I'm including things like passes that traveled right between a receiver's hands even if the receiver didn't technically put a hand on it. It's subjective; I know.) If you watched the game, you know I'm not trying to make excuses for the guy--he really did play pretty well. Which receivers, then, were the biggest offenders? Among the 11 dropped passes I counted, 4 were intended for Northcutt, 2 for Edwards, and 1 each for Jason Gomillion Wright, Darnell Dinkins, Joe Jurevicius, Terrelle Smith, and Kellen Winslow. Oh, and here comes the worst part: by my estimation, 8 of those 11 drops would have been first downs had the intended receivers held on to the ball.

Moral Standings

With a late, life-affirming touchdown, Braylon Edwards and the Browns kept the Moral Victory gravy train rolling. Conversely, by failing to notch a sack, despite their vaunted blitz-be-crazy defense, the Steelers "earned" themselves another moral loss. Now officially eliminated from the Moral Playoffs, this season couldn't be more disappointing for the defending champions. The Bengals and Ravens won't play until Sunday afternoon. Although both are predicted to suffer moral losses, we only deal with reality and not predictions and silly fantasy worlds here on Born and Raised. You'll have to wait to find out the outcomes of those games.

            MW  ML  MT    pct
Cleveland   13   0   0  1.000
Cincinnati   6   6   0   .500
Pittsburgh   3   9   1   .269
Baltimore    0  13   0   .000

Next week: In a battle between the best team named after a sissy poem and the best team named after an American hero, who wins? You, the reader! (And the Browns.) Get excited for another lyrical edition of Born and Raised on the Cleveland Browns, only 10 days away!