I'm not worried about the Browns defense (missing all their cornerbacks, they gave up only 13 this week against a pretty good offense). I'm certainly not worried about the special teams. I'm not even worried about the coin toss technique. No, like most of you, I'm worried about the offense, which has two major problems, as I see them. First, Charlie Frye throws too many interceptions. I think we've now seen enough of him to come to that conclusion fairly. But he is still improving and I think we can expect his interceptions to become less frequent, especially if the pass protection gets its act together.

The big problem, though--get ready to be shocked--is the playcalling. I'm not going to run through the whole spiel about what's wrong with the playcalling again--I'm redundant but even I have my limits--except to say that, after a couple of slightly encouraging games against Baltimore and Oakland, we saw a very disheartening return to old habits this week against Carolina.

Resisting... urge... to repeat... angry rant... let's just get right to your regular items.

Play of the Week

Alex says: In the third quarter, Joshua "MTV" Cribbs received a John Kasay kickoff at the Browns 6 and rocketed up the field. He zoomed past all but two Panthers: he easily dispatched Kasay, but was brought down by Richard Marshall at the Carolina 30-yard line. On this play, Cribbs showed off his great speed--although I believe any competent kickoff returner could have made this great play. That's no knock on Cribbs, who I think is among the best returners in the NFL, but rather a compliment to the other 10 men on the kickoff return team. It's too bad these guy only get to strut their stuff a few times a game.

Corey says: Come on, Browns. I love special teams about 60 times as much as a sane football fan should, but there's a reason we have a separate category for special teams plays. You're supposed to do cool things on offense and defense, too! The offense's longest gain was a 23-yard pass to Kellen Winslow that helped set up a field goal. And while the defense played well, there were no turnovers, no game-changing stops, or anything like that. So I'll go with Cribbs' 64-yarder as well.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Phil Dawson accounted for all the Browns' points in this week's game, obviously. But what might be getting overlooked is his astounding improvement on kickoffs. As Aaron Schatz of Football Outsiders says, "The most underrated aspect of an NFL team's performance is the field position gained or lost on kickoffs and punts." Four times did Human Phil kick off against the Panthers (not including his squib with :05 left); two resulted in touchbacks, one was received at the goal line, and one at the 3-yard line. Here are the estimated point totals accumulated by the Browns' kickoff teams since 1999, according to Football Outsiders: -0.9, -4.5, 1.4, 0.8, 2.9, 1.1, 2.6. Through last week, Dawson and his brethren had already cruised past the New Browns high, set in 2003, with a total of 4.8. Factor in the great performance this week, and that number is bound to improve.

Corey says: My Player of the Week is Josh Cribbs. The guy is having a breakout season, there's no question. If all continues, by season's end, he'll have a reputation just like Dante Hall's and possibly even be Pro Bowl bound. This week, he took over emergency backup punt return duty and immediately ran one back 34 yards. On top of that, he made two outstanding tackles of Panthers return men, for good measure.

Quote of the Week

Alex says:

"Takes the snap, takes a knee, and the ballgame is over. It wasn't the most beautiful of kills, but the Panthers were able to get the Cleveland Browns wrapped up in their coils, and finally constrict the life right out of them." --Panthers radio play-by-play announcer Mick Mixon

First of all, is this guy's name really Mick Mixon? That has to be a joke, right? Anyways, Mixon comes up with one of the worst, most forced metaphors for a football game I've ever heard. It'd be one thing if the Carolina team had something, anything to do with snakes, hopefully constricting ones. Maybe the Pythons or something. But no, they're the Panthers. Perhaps Mixon should have said,

"Takes the snap, takes a knee, and the ballgame is over. It wasn't the most beautiful of kills, but the Panthers were able to ambush the Cleveland Browns from behind with a strike to the back of the neck. The team will now bury the carcass of the Browns so they can return for later feeding during the coming week."

Corey says:

"As a secondary, we don't look at moral victories. We came out with a loss. We came up short." --Brian Russell

Well, my suspicions are confirmed. Brian Russell probably doesn't read this blog. Moral victories are all we have! (And we have plenty.) I guess Brian won't be joining the rapidly growing list of sports celebrities--such as Otto Orf, Babatunde Oshinowo, and Moondog--who have read this blog.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: Joshua Cribbs' kickoff return must also be the Special Teams Moment of the Week, because I'm not no hypocrite. With Dennis Northcutt out for the rest of the game, Cribbs also made good on a couple punt returns--showing he's an equal opportunity special teams dominator. Assuming that Northcutt returns healthy soon, I wonder if Special Teams Coordinator Jerry Rosburg could devise some way to use both simultaneously during a punt return. Northcutt fielding the kick and then faking a reverse to Cribbs could really mix up the opponent, no? Also, why is it that the one exciting facet to the Browns must be the least important one?

Corey says: What more is there to say about one long kickoff return? How about giving some credit to the blockers? On this particular return, the lead blocker was Lawrence Vickers, while others involved were D'Qwell Jackson, Steve Heiden, Mason Unck, and, well, that's all I could make out from the grainy footage I could find online. But congratulations to the rest of the guys, too!

Ermal Allen Memorial Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: The Browns have wisely avoided any toss sweeps to Lawrence Vickers on third down since the disastrous Week 1, but Vickers got another moment in the spotlight on Sunday. On 3rd-and-1 early in the third quarter, the Browns seemed to run yet another of those doomed Vickers toss sweeps, but wait! There's more! It's a halfback pass! Like any non-quarterback, Vickers immediately gives away that he's passing as soon as he touches the ball. As an aside, why doesn't any running back bother trying to "sell" the run? With no one open, Lawrence chooses the extremely foolish thing to do: lob the ball down the field. Fortunately, it wasn't intercepted. I don't blame Vickers for failing to convert key third downs when asked to, I blame the coaching staff. Why run a halfback pass on 3rd-and-1? The risks outweigh the possible gain, especially since gaining only one yard would be extremely beneficial.

Corey says: I'm going with newly promoted defensive back Jereme Perry, #31, a rookie undrafted free agent from Eastern Michigan. Now, Jereme was brought up from the practice squad last week at the expense of Browns legend Babatunde Oshinowo, so he has a lot going against him. His middle name, however, is Jovon, so, just to show that I'm 100% fair and balanced, I'm naming him my Obscure Brown of the Week. Don't abuse the privilege, Jereme.

Fashion Item of the Week

Alex says: With Paris Fashion Week just wrapping up, there's no better time to critique couture. I, for one, am no fan of the Panthers' jerseys. You'd be hard pressed to find a more bland, less creative uniform in professional sports. Which is all the more amazing considering that the Carolina jerseys are relatively new, being designed just 10 years ago. Sure, the use of teal is eye-catching, and gives the team a certain "pathetic southern Florida strip mall" quality. I particularly hate the incomplete stripes on the Carolina helmets, which are inexplicably not parallel. They always make me think that the player's skull is cracking down the middle and his brain will fall out. But that's just me.

Corey says: Kudos to defensive coordinator Todd Grantham for his keen fashion sense. Grantham is often the only Browns coach who doesn't wear the NFL-sanctioned coaches gear during games. He can usually be seen convulsing on the sidelines in his bright orange jumpsuit--an excellent choice! In 2006 so far, most NFL coaches have been wearing those ugly tennis shirts with whale's tail-shaped splotches on the upper back--but not Todd!

Idiot of the Week

Alex says: Maurice Carthon, for once again sinking the Browns' hopes for a victory. Thirty-one times against the Panthers did the offense have a fresh set of downs (including plays later nullified by penalties). On 13 of those 1st-and-10s, Carthon chose to run the ball with a halfback. In the first half, the team tried especially hard to "establish the run"--on nine of fifteen first downs did they hand the ball off. The result of all this establishment was rather pathetic: 1.85 yards per carry, leaving the offense with an average 2nd-and-8.15. This is clearly not an effective way to put pressure on the defense. In fact, I'd say it's a great way to put pressure on your offense.

Corey says: I think of Maurice Carthon more as the Idiot of the Season. My Idiot of the Week is going to be the ref who overturned the fumble recovered by Leon Williams on a Dave Zastudil punt early in the third quarter. The play would have set the Browns up in field goal range; instead the Panthers took their undeserved possession and scored a field goal of their own. That's a minimum swing of 6 points, maybe even 10. It sure looked like a fumble to me!

Number of the Week

Alex says: 8.79, or the Browns offense's average yards-to-go on third down. Just a bit ago, I chided Maurice Carthon for setting up the offense to fail, and here we see more evidence of this. If the offense is left with a 2nd-and-8 or 9 most of the time thanks to an infatuation with poor rushing, of course they're going to be stuck with difficult situations on third down. It should be no surprise then that the Browns managed to convert only two of their fourteen third downs.

Corey says: 45.0%, or Phil Dawson's NFL-leading touchback percentage through the season's first 5 weeks. The second-highest player, Olindo Mare, is not even close, at 33.3%. Now, this is just ridiculous. Are we talking about Phil Dawson here? From 1999-2005, the guy booted 26 touchbacks in 424 attempts, for a percentage of 6.1%. Suddenly he's on pace to have more touchbacks in 2006 than in his entire previous career?! Longtime readers of this blog know that Phil (aka "Human Phil") has an evil robot doppelgänger ("Robot Phil") who has incredible kicking strength, but lacks his namesake's accuracy on field goals. Alex and I became aware of this during careful observation of the 2004 season, in which Phil sometimes made all his field goals (but, characteristically, lacked kickoff power), and sometimes missed all his field goals (while seemingly demonstrating some kickoff power). Not once in 2004 did Dawson both make and miss a field goal in the same game. This weekend in Carolina, however, we saw Phil do the unthinkable: go 4-for-4 on field goal tries, and boot several long kickoffs out of the endzone. Now, what I am about to propose may horrify you--certainly it will shake the scientific community down to its very core--but it is the only conclusion we can draw: Phil Dawson has found some unholy way of combining himself with his own robot doppelgänger! He's no longer Human Phil Dawson, he's... he's... some kind of Borg Phil Dawson! Oh, the horror! (But hey, I'll take it!)

Moral Standings

The Browns' hot moral start continues, as they completely destroyed the Panthers in "noticing positives that they can build on in the future". The Steelers suffered a humiliating moral defeat at the hands of San Diego, while the Bengals enjoyed a moral bye. The Ravens fall to 0-5 with a crushing moral loss that will begin later this evening on Monday Night Football.

            MW  ML    pct
Cleveland    5   0  1.000
Cincinnati   2   2   .500
Pittsburgh   1   3   .250
Baltimore    0   5   .000

Next week: No rest for the weary--the Browns have a bye, but you wouldn't know it from reading our blog! We'll come up with tons of pointless drivel to help your Monday go by extra-quick, on a very special edition of "Boooooorn..... and Raaaaaaaaised!"