Am I the only one who was surprised to find this evening that they were still playing football?! I was pretty sure that football season had come to an end circa mid-November, right about when LeBron season started.

I'm kidding, of course, because not only was it the evening of the so-called "Super" Bowl, it was the evening of one of the most anticipated events of the year: LeBron's appearance on The Simpsons. To mark the occasion, I will now offer my brief review of the episode. I'll also present my long-overdue reviews of two other fine LeBron-inspired products: "Flava23" and "LeBron's Lightning Lemonade".

LeBron on The Simpsons

Over a year ago, LeBron went on record saying that his favorite TV show was The Simpsons (and that his favorite characters were Patty and Selma). It comes as no surprise that LeBron agreed to lend his voice to the show so soon into his pro career. The Simpsons, of course, has a weighty precedent of pro athletes as guest stars, so I was expecting big things from this, the much-hyped post-Super Bowl episode. Unfortunately, I was left quite disappointed.

This episode had many of the same flaws that have come to represent the overall decline of the series. For one, the plot was poorly conceived, uneven, and overly sensationalistic. In case you missed it, Homer becomes a laughing stock when his embarassing public dancing display is spread around the world via the internet. He lucks out, however, when a fictional local football star asks him to coreograph some Terrell Owens-style endzone dances for him. Soon, a number of famous athletes (LeBron among them) want him to do the same. Meanwhile, Flanders is gaining attention for his homemade Bible films, which are reminiscent of "The Passion of the Christ". Eventually, Homer is asked to plan the Super Bowl halftime show. Unable to think of any ideas, he requests Flanders' help. They put on a reenactment of "Noah's Ark" which, in the end, draws public ire for being too religious and decent.

Now, I am bothered by the fact that they barely used LeBron. He has like two lines. I suppose I should have expected as much, given that they tried to cram Yao Ming, Tom Brady, Warren Sapp, and Michelle Kwan in there too. But honestly, none of these famous stars had anything to do with the main storyline. All of them made cameos simply so that FOX could attract viewers; that's it. LeBron deserves so much better. Remember the classic episode where Burns recruits professional baseball stars to be ringers on the company softball team? That beauty of an episode had no less than nine famous athletes as guest stars, all of whom had plenty of screen time, plenty of hilarious moments, and roles that were absolutely central to the main storyline. The Simpsons has not lost its ability to make funny jokes, but its ability to construct quality episodes, which used to be so strong, has fallen to an embarassing low.

I also have complaints about the animation of LeBron. For one, they took away his beard and gave him a rather stupid-looking mustache. It was quite distracting, since it looked nothing like him. Secondly, while I understand that they were forbidden from depicting a real Cavs jersey, they did a really lousy job of faking it. LeBron wore a red jersey with a huge, yellow horizontal stripe across the chest. It looked like a Dominique-era Hawks jersey. And yet, somehow, they managed to leave little doubt about the identity of the other athletes' teams.

Overall, despite a couple of jokes that made me laugh out loud, the episode was too dumb and there was not nearly enough LeBron.

My rating: 1½ LeBrons

Flava23

The loyal readers among you will certainly recall the story of how Alex and I came upon a wellspring of Flava23 this past LeBron Day, after having spent months upon months scouring the Earth in search of the stuff. Truly, it was a LeBron Day miracle!

Some of you, however, may be wondering what Flava23 is, exactly. It is a LeBron-inspired flavor of Powerade, whose taste and color were both personally selected by LeBron himself. To the best of my knowledge, it hit stores last August, although I didn't realize this until much later, which is why I had so much difficulty locating some. Lucky for me, I am now the proud owner of a stockpile of Flava23, which I intend to hoard until at least LeBron Day 2005.

I have mostly positive things to say about the packaging and design of the product. The label features a stylized comic-book version of LeBron, dunking a basketball. The image is almost certainly taken from the LeBron-inspired comic books which were a marketing tie-in with Flava23 when it was introduced. The bottle itself is most intriguing. It is angular and geometric, almost like an aluminum can after it's been squeezed in someone's fist. From what I can tell, it appears to be seven-sided, at least around the upper half of the bottle. The seven sides converge at the middle, where the bottle is narrowest. If I had one complaint about the packaging, it would be that Flava23 is only available in huge 32-ounce bottles. I suppose this is an appropriate quantity for someone participating in sports, but for a simple LeBron nerd like me, it's quite a lot.

The color of the liquid, I have learned, was chosen by LeBron himself to resemble the Cavaliers' wine-colored jerseys. It does resemble the color for the most part, although I doubt that there's much difference between this color and that of regular red Powerade.

Now, about the taste. LeBron supposedly also chose the flavor himself, settling on something called "sourberry". On the one hand, it tastes like regular red Powerade. There is, however, something slightly off about it. I wouldn't call it "sour", per se. It's hard to put my finger on. Perhaps it's the way it lingers in your mouth longer than regular sports drinks. It tastes slightly thicker, and yet it isn't physically any thicker at all. It's odd. As someone who doesn't particularly care for sports drinks, I can't say I would prefer Flava23 to any other kind of Powerade if it weren't for the LeBron aspect. It's not better or worse; it's just different in a miniscule way.

My rating: 6½ LeBrons

LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

The first television appearance of LeBron on Super Bowl Sunday was in a brief, unmemorable commercial for "LeBron's Lightning Lemonade", the newest flavor of Bubblicious chewing gum. While Bubblicious is only now marketing the flavor, saying that it will hit shelves in the near future, I was actually able to locate some several weeks ago inside a "variety pack" with a few other flavors.

During the last few weeks, I have had an interesting relationship with the gum. I am not, by any means, a gum chewer. In fact, I quickly gave away most of the other flavors that came in the variety pack, hoarding only the LeBron flavor. When I first tried it, I thought it was okay, but nothing special. After a few pieces, however, I realized it had grown on me. Before long, I was chewing it wherever I went. I have since lightened up a little, but certainly, I consider it a fine, fine flavor of bubble gum.

The packaging is simple enough. It comes in a yellow wrapper with a very cartoony image of LeBron's head on it. It looks like one of those caricatures they draw for you at Cedar Point. As my friend Laura jokingly pointed out, "It's almost racist. It's a good thing they didn't put his face on the watermelon flavor." Next to LeBron's head are cartoon drawings of lemons and raspberries, and a glass of pink lemonade. A particularly nice touch to the packaging is the way that the B in "LeBron's Lightning Lemonade" is wearing a crown, so as to signify King James.

The gum itself is pink and has a somewhat tart flavor, as you would expect. The tastes of lemon and berry are both unmistakeable, although I wouldn't say it evokes lemonade, per se. The flavor is quite a bit stronger than most Bubblicious varieties, such as strawberry or watermelon. This may be why I had mixed feelings at first. But the strong flavor also means it lasts longer. I am happy to say that LeBron's Lightning Lemonade has fast risen to become my favorite flavor of bubble gum, even though I don't really chew gum.

My rating: 13½ LeBrons