In many spiritual cultures, it is customary to undertake a pilgrimage to the birthplace of The Savior on the day of His birth. It seemed only natural, then--almost necessary--for the two of us to visit beautiful Akron, Ohio yesterday, on the 20th birthday of one LeBron "King" James.

It was a powerful, emotional journey, one that was both fraught with danger and filled with unthinkable joys. We decided to capture our monumental celebration of LeBron Day 2004 with a series of photos, which we present here for your own enlightenment. We invited Official Friend of the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times Mike M. to be our photographer for the day. Many thanks to Mike for his help.

So while The Chosen One (probably) spent the day opening presents and having his left eye examined, we spent it visiting the most important landmarks in the life of LeBron. Here, now, is a play-by-play of our LeBron Day pilgrimage:



Dressed to the nines in our King James jerseys, we arrived in Akron in mid-morning and headed straight for the place where LeBron developed into a superstar: St. Vincent-St. Mary High School. The school sits atop a gigantic hill, the slope of which defies imagination, literally! We couldn't exactly identify which structure was the basketball gym, but we did stop to take in the football field, where LeBron razzled and dazzled all who dared to enter with his unbelievable wide receiving, at least for his first three years of high school.

Our next objective was to find a local grocery. We knew it would be necessary to stock up on some fine LeBron-endorsed products, such as Sprite and Fruity Pebbles (LeBron's self-proclaimed favorite cereal). We found an Acme supermarket nearby, where they had everything we needed, and something more:



Finally! After months of scouring the Midwest in vain, I had captured my white whale: Flava23, the LeBron James flavor of Powerade. You see, when Flava23 was first sent to shelves back in August, I missed the boat. Then, when I decided I wanted to try some, it was nowhere to be found. I had searched every grocery store and bodega in Chicago, Cleveland, New York, and beyond. I had just about given up on ever finding LeBron Powerade again, when there it was, on freaking LeBron Day, in the city of Akron itself! Truly, this was a LeBron Day miracle!!!



The lady at the checkout counter gave us a quizzical look. She was not quite in the spirit of the holiday.

Next, we took a well-earned lunch break at the Diamond Grille, just around the corner from SVSM. Here's Alex and Mike at lunch:



Aferwards, we decided to pose for a few pictures with our sweet ride, Alex's wine and gold Chevy Cavalier, LeBrondra.





Soon it was time to get down to business. What kind of pilgrimage would it be if we didn't at least make an effort to pinpoint the location of our Savior's birth? Thus, we made our way to a hospital in the middle of downtown Akron. We figured, hey, it could be the place where LeBron was born; you don't know!



We decided to pose with our new Powerade. Suddenly, Alex got this crazed look in his eye; he was after my bottle of Flava23! I had to fight him off:



Eventually, though, Alex settled down, and we made our way back to the hilltop near SVSM for some scenic views of the city. We busted out the Sprite and proposed a toast to our very first LeBron Day pilgrimage:





Then, Alex poured Sprite on my head:



Finally, we decided to leave Akron and seek out the nearby town of Bath, Ohio, where LeBron currently resides. We made our way to LeBron's street:



We drove past LeBron's mansion several times, eager to catch a glimpse of the house, but afraid of being noticed, for fear of seeming rude and/or intrusive. This photo was the best I could manage from inside a moving vehicle. There were a ton of trees in the way, after all:



After taking in some of the lovely scenery of Bath, we headed back towards Cleveland. We stopped at the famous Shaker Square shopping district to sneak a peek at the "Next" store that got LeBron in trouble back in high school for giving him free throwback jerseys. Remember that?



Even though the store was the site of one of LeBron's darker moments, we knew it was important to celebrate every aspect of The Chosen One's life.

Finally, it was time to undertake the final leg of our historic journey. Akron may be our Mecca, but there's one building in good old Cleveland that will forever be our temple:



We decided to toss some Fruity Pebbles to the wind in memory of our dead homies. This one was for you, Lennie Briscoe:





A nice man was kind enough to take a picture of the three of us together:



And there, on the steps of Gund Arena, our pilgrimage came to an end. We had spent the entire day celebrating the life of LeBron James. We hope LeBron had a very happy birthday, and we hope he recovers from his eye injury quickly and easily! This may have been the first LeBron Day pilgrimage, but it was most certainly not the last. We can't wait until next year!

This is the second in a ten-part series investigating the greatest Cleveland athletes ever to have worn each of the jersey numbers, from 0 to 99. Click here if you missed Part 1 (#0 to #9) last week. On the menu this week are the teens, among them some very important numbers in Cleveland sports history. Like last week's list, this one will be dominated primarily by Indians, which is to be expected, given the range of numbers worn by baseball players back in the day. As this series rolls on, you will see these lists wander from primarily Indians to primarily Browns. The Cavaliers will have a secondary presence throughout, I'm afraid (although with a few major exceptions!). Anyway, on to the numbers!

#10 - Max Alvis

Indians, '62-'69

Among the wearers of #10, there are no great superstars. Max Alvis, however, is one of the more interesting players in Indians history, and certainly one of the most inspiring stories. In 1963, in his first full year in the majors, he was the Tribe's starting third baseman, posting some very good offensive numbers for a rookie (.274/.324/.460). This ended up being his best year at the plate, however, as he was stricken with spinal meningitis the following season. The disease was career-threatening, but Alvis overcame it, missing only six weeks, and remaining a starter for six more years. His production at the plate was never quite the same; however, he was named to two all-star teams: in 1965 and 1967. In both '63 and '67, Alvis was voted the Indians' Man of the Year, which, back then, was a big deal, from what I understand.

Runners-up: Pat Tabler (Indians, '83-'88): reliable, but had very little power for a first baseman/designated hitter. Vic Power (Indians, '58-'61): excellent defensive first baseman, but spent only three and a half years as an Indian.

#11 - Toby Harrah

Indians, '79-'83

Even though his five years with the Indians were some of the most pathetic in team history, Harrah is actually one of the best Tribe third basemen ever (behind Al Rosen, of course). He was regarded as a great defensive infielder, known for his range (which we sabermetricians now consider the most important defensive skill). He was a shortstop until he came to Cleveland, where he switched to third because a replacement was needed for Buddy Bell. While his defense was superior, he was no slouch at the plate. He could hit well for power and draw a lot of walks. The best season of his 17-year career came as an Indian, in 1982, when he hit .304/.398/.490 and made the all-star team.

Runners-up: Zydrunas Ilgauskas (Cavaliers, '98-'05): has a very good chance of overtaking Harrah some day. Doug Jones (Indians, '86-'91, '98): was an elite reliever for a couple years, but probably a little overrated because of all the saves. Cliff Robinson (Cavaliers, '82-'84): had two and a half great years as a Cavalier, but didn't stay in town long enough.

#12 - Willis Hudlin

Indians, '26-'40

I'll be the first to admit that I'm giving this one to Willis Hudlin pretty much on tenure. In Indians history, only Bob Feller and Mel Harder have pitched in more games. Hudlin was no Bob Feller, but he was pretty good; he'd have to have been, to last so long with one team. In his 14 years, for what it's worth, he was consistently among the league leaders in wins despite the fact that the Indians were, for the most part, a poor-to-average team. But I don't simply want to point to wins; after all, he had nearly as many losses. From glancing at his stats, I'd say Hudlin's best success sprang from the fact that he didn't walk opposing batters. He was often among the league leaders in BB/9IP. Hudlin's best season, by far, was 1929, the year the Indians became the first major league team to wear numbers on their uniforms permanently. In '29, he posted a 3.34 ERA, fifth best in the league, and pitched 280.3 innings, the most of his career.

Runners-up: Don Cockroft (Browns, '68-'80): was one of the last to play both kicker and punter and is easily the second-best kicker in team history and maybe the best punter. Roberto Alomar (Indians, '99-'01): was truly great while an Indian, but it was only three years. Don Mossi (Indians, '54-'58): was a key memebr of one of baseball's best bullpens for five years.

#13 - Omar Vizquel

Indians, '94-'04

Not many players in any sport choose to wear #13. In Cleveland history, only two athletes even worth mentioning have ever donned the so-called "unlucky" number. Luckily, it just so happens that one of those two was the second-greatest shortstop in Indians history, and for a time, the best defensive ballplayer of his era. So, even though the other #13 was no pushover himself, Omar Vizquel is an easy choice for this honor. While Omar got credit for playing great defense long after his skills had declined, he made up for it by hitting fairly well late in his career, when few people expected it. By ending up the last player to remain an Indian after the run of division titles, he became one of the most popular players in team history. But surely I don't need to summarize Omar's career for you; let's move on.

Runners-up: Frank Ryan (Browns, '62-'68): is easily the fourth-best QB in Browns history, remembered primarily for winning the '64 championship.

#14 - Larry Doby

Indians, '47-'55, '58

The competition for #14 is probably one of the most anticipated of this entire project. Both the Browns and Indians have retired this historic number, each for one of their all-time greatest players. For the Browns, #14 is and always will be Otto Graham. What few people realize, however, is that Graham only wore this number for the last four years of his career. For the first six years, he wore #60. I'm not entirely certain why the Browns have chosen to retire #14 and not #60, but it may have something to do with the fact that, for the first four of Graham's six years as #60, the Browns were not yet members of the NFL; they were still in the AAFC. At any rate, if Graham had gone with #14 from the beginning, I would likely give him the nod, but as it stands, this honor goes to Larry Doby. Doby's place in Cleveland sports history--and sports history in general--is important not only for his role as the first black player in the American League, but as one of the best hitting outfielders in Indians history. In his first full year in the majors, Doby helped the Indians to a World Series championship, all the while dealing with racism every bit as fierce as the onslaught that Jackie Robinson (more famously) faced. By the numbers, Doby was one of the best hitters of his time. He always remained among the league leaders in both on-base percentage and slugging percentage, compiling a career line of .283/.386/.490, outstanding for the era in which he played. The tremendous peak of his long career was definitely 1950-1952, during which he finished either first or second in the league in OPS each year. He also made seven all-star squads and twice led the league in home runs. Considering both his hitting talents and the cultural significance of his career, Doby is easily one of the greatest Cleveland athletes of all time.

Runners-up: Otto Graham (Browns, '46-'55): another of Cleveland's all-time greatest; see above. Foots Walker (Cavaliers, '75-'80): played six years as the Cavs' point guard but only the last two were particularly good. Julio Franco (Indians, '83-'88, '96-'97): was the good-hitting, poor-fielding first baseman for some truly awful Indians teams.

#15 - Sandy Alomar, Jr.

Indians, '90-'00

For whatever reason, not a lot of players have worn #15 in Cleveland history. Like #13, only two guys are really worth mentioning when all's said and done. Sandy Alomar Jr. is the choice because he had a long, consistent career as the Tribe's starting catcher, and because he was so popular among the fans. The highlights of his career were clearly the 1990 AL Rookie of the Year award, and the 1997 season, his best season offensively, in which he thrilled the hometown fans by taking the MVP of the All-Star Game. Unfortunately, looking back on his numbers, knowing what I know now, I find that he wasn't nearly as good a hitter as I used to think. He could hit for decent power, but his on-base skills were consistently atrocious. Take the '97 season, in which he set career highs in everything. That year, he hit .324/.354/.545, which was certainly an all-star caliber performance for a catcher, but surprisingly weak in on-base. Most years, Sandy's OBP hovered just above .300, which is frankly quite terrible. Among Sandy's best assets, however, were his superior defense and his supposed ability to "call a good game" (although it has never really been demonstrated that such an ability exists among catchers). In the end, I don't want to come down too hard on Alomar, because he was one of my favorite players growing up, because he provided Indians fans with so many good memories, and because he really is the greatest #15 in Cleveland sports history.

Runners-up: Johnny Allen (Indians, '36-'40): was the Tribe's most reliable starting pitcher for a few years in the 30's.

#16 - Milt Plum

Browns, '57-'61

Finally, a non-baseball player. Though his five years as the Browns' starting quarterback yielded no championships (in an era when they won them regularly), Plum led the team to the playoffs in both '57 and '58, and they were pretty good for the other three years, too. In 1960, Plum set an NFL record for passer rating, which stood unchallenged for 29 years. Today, it's still the third-best single-season passer rating in NFL history. The Browns aren't usually considered a franchise with a rich quarterbacking tradition, mainly because the team's ridiculously amazing running back tradition overshadows all else, but when the fifth-best QB is team history is a solid player like Milt Plum, that's more than most franchises can say.

Runners-up: Al Smith (Indians, '53-'57, '64): was the solid left fielder for some of the great 1950's teams. Bill Nelsen (Browns, '68-'72): bridged the gap between Ryan and Sipe at QB and led some very strong offenses.

#17 - Brian Sipe

Browns, '73-'83

Alex has some crazy delusions that his idol, a certain former Browns punter, is the greatest #17 in Cleveland history, but in reality it's Brian Sipe, the prolific quarterback who led the Browns for eleven years, including the famous Kardiac Kids season of 1980, for which he picked up the NFL MVP award, and two playoff appearances. Because his tenure with the Browns coincided with the great Steelers dynasty of the 70's, whatever success the Browns did have is often overlooked. But with orange pants, the two Pruitts, and the Kardiac Kids, it was really quite a cool period in team history. By the time Sipe retired, he was the franchise leader in yards, completions, and touchdown passes. No other #17 in Cleveland history can compete with that.

Runners-up: Travis Fryman (Indians, '98-'02): despite a short tenure, is among the Indians' best third basemen of all-time. Chris Gardocki (Browns, '99-'03): is probably the MVP of the "new" Browns, which is sad when you think about it.

#18 - Mel Harder

Indians, '28-'47

Here's an easy one. Mel Harder is the second-best pitcher in Indians history. If you include the time he spent as the Tribe's pitching coach, he was an Indian for 36 years. His jersey number, of course, is one of the six to be retired by the Indians. Harder's best attribute was his durability, as he pitched for a total of 20 seasons. His best years, though, by far, were the 1930's, as he stayed near the top of the American League in ERA and innings pitched. From '34 to '37, he made the all-star team every year. I have to say, though, that it's a little bit sad that Harder was able to hang on for 20 whole seasons without winning a single pennant, only to see the Indians win the World Series the year after he retired.

Runners-up: "Hot Rod" Williams (Cavaliers, '87-'95): was a crucial member of the best Cavaliers teams ever. Duane Kuiper (Indians, '74-'81): was a slick fielder, but a horrible hitter.

#19 - Bob Feller

Indians, '36-'41, '45-'56

This is one of the stronger jersey numbers in Cleveland history, thanks mainly to the greatest Indian of all time. No offense to Bernie, but only Jim Brown--and maybe, some day LeBron James--would be able to trump Bob Feller. Feller pitched six seasons as one of the most dominanant pitchers in baseball, then lost the next three years to World War II, then came back to the Indians and pitched 12 more seasons, even more dominant than before. He led the league in strikeouts every year from '38 to '41 and '46 to '48, 1945 being the only season in which he didn't, because he only pitched in 9 games. His K/9IP are equally impressive. He reached his peak in 1948 when he led the team to a World Series victory. Feller was only the second pitcher in baseball history to be voted to the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibilty, and he is still the only Indian whose jersey number was never worn by anyone else between the time he finished his career and the time it was retired.

Runners-up: Bernie Kosar (Browns, '85-'93): led the Browns in some of the most exciting and heartbreaking games of all-time and is the second-best quarterback in team history. Lenny Wilkens (Cavaliers, '73-'74): spent only two years as a Cavs player before eventually becoming the best head coach in franchise history, but they were two excellent years.

It's time for a new poll. The outgoing poll was about as hotly contested as any we've had. Our search for the next Browns head coach, based on Our Guide to the Browns Head Coaching Candidates, is over.

1. LeBron James - 30 votes - 23.4%
2. Halle Berry - 24 votes - 18.8%
3. Corey and Alex's Dad - 23 votes - 18.0%
4. Bernie Kosar - 17 votes - 13.3%
5. Slider - 16 votes - 12.5%
6. Al Pacino - 15 votes - 11.7%
7. Roger Brown - 2 votes - 1.6%
8. Terry Robiskie - 1 vote - 0.8%

So congratulations to LeBron James. Personally, I feel the Browns will be in good hands with him at the helm. Meanwhile, I happen to know from a very reliable source that some ballot-stuffing took place on the part of one of the other candidates in this poll; namely, a certain "father" of "mine". Way to cheat, Dad.

The new poll is about your second-favorite Cavalier. I'm hoping this will be another close one. The early favorites, for obvious reasons, are Gooden, Z, and McInnis, but I think guys like Varejao and Jackson have a shot at cracking the top 3. Once again, voting is down and to the right. You can't miss it. Vote or die!

So, you may know that the Browns were named after popular coaching god Paul Brown by a newspaper contest in 1945 in which the prize was a $1,000 war bond. However, what remained a mystery to me was how the Browns' elf, "Brownie", became the team mascot. Nowhere on the Browns' official website can I find any information regarding Brownie--probably because the Browns foolishly stopped using his likeness circa... sometime in the past.

We keep tabs on what search terms visitors may use to find our blog. And recently, it seems that maybe half of the new visitors to the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times have found us by searching for something like "brownie elf browns" or "brownie mascot". They can find us just because of one tiny entry I did in a past Born and Raised mentioning how I liked the Brownie the Elf parkas the Browns now wore. Intrigued by this unknown interest in Brownie, I myself went searching for the history of the logo.

It turns out that a Brownie is actually a type of elf in Northern European folklore. Apparently they live in homes and aid in household tasks at night. Oh, and they have no nose. I suppose that after the team was named the Browns, the front office realized the difficulty in finding a logo outside of using a picture of Paul Brown or the color brown itself. They might have contemplated using the baked dessert brownie, but eventually settled on the elf version. This is a modern day approximant of what a Brownie would look like.

In recent years the Browns have associated themselves increasingly with dogs (or "dawgs" because we're so, you know, ghetto). This history is a little more well known, as Browns superstar cornerback Hanford Dixon called himself the "Top Dawg" prompting the now-infamous fans in one endzone to call themselves the "Dawg Pound", who would bark as a cheer for the home team. The Browns, then, started using a bulldog logo.

Here's what I propose: the Browns should combine the two logos, Brownie and the bulldog. This would make some sort of dog-elf, which would probably look something like this:

What a game for the ages! In a bore-fest punt-a-thon, the Browns finally succeeded in breaking into the Dolphins' proverbial beach-house and stealing the #2 pick from their proverbial trophy-case (or mantel), literally! I think the strongest emotions I felt during the entire telecast of the game were (1) apathy, (2) anxiety to change the channel back to the Cavaliers game, and (3) feeling sorry for Jim Brown.

Emotion #1, I think, is self-explanatory, but I must wonder to what degree one can feel "strong" levels of apathy. And regarding #2, how many freaking times will LeBron James have a double-double with either 9 rebounds or assists before he gets the elusive first triple-double? I think right now he's at about eight. Didn't he have 9.9982 rebounds at half-time? Of course, it's only a matter of time before his first triple-triple, so this will all be moot soon enough. Anyway, as for emotion #3, it really is a shame that these current pathetic Browns get to look Jim Brown in the eye on the sideline during every game.

Imagine you're Earl Little, what do you say to the greatest football player in the history of the universe, after your repeated embarassment to the city of Cleveland? I imagine Earl avoids him, or says something like "It's Chris Crocker's fault." As the best athlete ever, Brown deserves better than standing on the sideline in a traffic cone parka with a look of defeat giving half-hearted interviews with Suzy Kolber. By the end of the game, ESPN's cameras were searching frantically for someone else to spotlight in between plays, but continually settled upon Brown. Such is his star power. I just kept waiting for Brown to throw off the parka and be in full uniform and show those players a thing or two (preferably two, or more).

Play of the Week

Alex says: I choose Luke McCown's one good play--his beautifully thrown 58-yard bomb to Dennis Northcutt (don't forget he was backpeddling and throwing across his body), who easily waltzed into the endzone, literally! As Corey can attest, all season-long I have been politely complaining that the Browns QBs never hit their receivers in-stride, giving them some open field in which to run. Getting Northcutt the ball in the open field is the best way to utilize his talents.

Corey says: I am most definitely going with Luke McCown's second interception, which ended up a Melvin Fowler fumble recovery, and a 26-yard gain for the Browns' offense. Long before Melvin got his hands on it, the guy who initially intercepted the pass committed an intentional fumble in order to get the ball to his open teammate, which is pretty cool. I often wonder if intentional fumbles could be used more often, especially in late-game desperation situations. Say the Titans receiver who fell a yard short of the goal line at the final buzzer of the 1999 Super Bowl had fumbled the ball into endzone. Wouldn't there have been at least a 25% chance that one of his teammates might get to it first? Anyway, after the interception-fumble-lateral-fumble happened last night, I was very excited for the possibility of seeing two interceptions in a single drive, because, if anyone could do it, Luke could, but alas, the Browns didn't attempt another pass on the drive, eventually settling for Robot Phil Dawson's missed field goal.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Gerard Warren, duh. Gerard (or as Joe Theismann would say, "Gerald") has been promising us a monster performance for quite some time, and clearly he made good on his promise last night. Did you see that fumble he caused? Or the way he picked up Michael Myers' helmet after it fell off that one time? I mean, that helmet was still rolling! Gerard had to calculate the velocity and trajectory and everything in a split-second to determine when to grasp it. And how about all those times he almost made a tackle? He was like, really really close, you know?

Corey says: Gee, do I really have to pick someone? And please don't try to tell me that Lee Suggs had a great game because he broke the franchise record for carries. It's not as if he was particularly productive and/or efficient with those carries. I guess I'll choose Dennis Northcutt, not only for his beautifully executed touchdown catch, but for making the grab on McCown's last-second Hailmary, at midfield. Even though the catch was meaningless, it really padded Northcutt's stats for the day, leaving him with 114 receiving yards instead of 72. Not that having padded stats is a good thing--all it does is mask just how poor the offense really was--I just think it's funny.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

Like I told [Luke], if we're not going to protect the ball--I don't know how many carries Lee had--if that's what we're going to do with the ball from the quarterback position I'll give it to Lee, however many times he had it, I'll give it 20 more times.

--Terry Robiskie. Robiskie continually laughs in the face of the convention that you must baby rookie quarterbacks (especially those taken in the 4th round) and that teams must accept the rookie's "growing pains". But I'm glad that the coach is being hard on McCown; we can't expect perfection, but an interception nearly every other pass attempt will always be ridiculous.

Corey says:

If you have any type of pride or passion for playing football, and you're truly a team guy going out to represent the Cleveland Browns, you go out and fight your butts off. You have to love the game and go out and have some reason to play.

--Earl Little. Notice how Earl doesn't actually admit to having "any type of pride or passion", or even "some reason to play". Is he actually suggesting that the team has (gasp!) lost its motivation? I, for one, am shocked.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: After the Browns' only touchdown of the game (their second in the last three weeks, woo!) Robot Phil Dawson launched the ensuing kickoff three yards into the Dolphins' endzone! We're learning more and more about Robot Dawson each week. What he may lack in accuracy, he begins to make up for in power. Recall Robot Phil's missed 43-yard field goal--it hit the upright really high up. If that upright weren't there, it could've been a 70-yarder!

Corey says: No disrespect to Robot Phil Dawson, who, while a terrible field goal kicker, is quite a wonder of modern technology, but the special teams moment of the game was definitely when Miami lined up for a 47-yard field goal in the third quarter, but, in a move of befuddlingly unnecessary trickery, ended up pooch punting. The punt travelled 19 yards, but Dennis Northcutt's heads-up return earned 17 of those yards right back. The Dolphins would have done just as well to turn it over on downs, so why didn't they attempt the field goal? That's what they get for underestimatung the mighty Browns special teams.

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Yet again, Eric Lebron Westmoreland takes this honor. His namesake almost had a triple-double in the other battle of "Cleveland vs. the ugly-ass teal jerseys". Plus, he managed to brainwash the refs into not throwing a flag on his obvious pass interference on Randy McMichael on a late third-down attempt. Somewhere, in a parallel universe, a writer for the Sunshine State Sporting Times is naming Westmoreland their "Cheater of the Week".

Corey says: I don't know; is wideout/emergency backup QB Frisman Jackson obscure? I guess he is in the real the world, but not on our blog, because we talk about him so much. Regardless, I'm making him my Obscure Brown of the Week despite the fact that he had no catches. Earlier in the week, with the possibilty that Steve Heiden might be kept out of the game due to injury, and with Sgt. Kellen, Aaron Shea, and Stadium Mustard all injured already, it looked as if Jackson might have to step in as the second-string tight end behind Keith Heinrich. The reason he was chosen, according to Frisman? He's the "fattest of the wide receivers". Awesome.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says:I choose the white #7 "HARRIS". Why? By virtue of merely being on the active roster (and choosing to wear #7), Josh Harris is the third best #7 in Browns history. Only punters Tom Tupa and Jeff Gossett made more valuable contributions than Harris' contribution of "nothing". Josh leapfrogged over previous third-best, Terry Luck. Terry had an extraordinary career, throwing for 316 yards, 1 touchdown, and 7 interceptions for a QB rating of 37.2, which is 53 points worse than Ryan Leaf's career QB rating.

Corey says: This week, I'm choosing a hypothetical jersey. I choose the possible future #66 "FERGUSON". Now guaranteed of at least the second pick in the draft, the Browns will likely be scouting University of Virginia left tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson, assuming he does indeed declare for the draft this year, as expected. I want the Browns to draft this gentleman. Forget the fact that he's the best offensive lineman available, and that the Browns desperately need a stud such as this. His name is D'Brickashaw, for crying out loud. We must have him.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: Miami's so-called "fans" for sitting in 60° weather with winter coats on! I think we all know that any resident of Southern Florida is a pansy by nature, but I must also note that, sadly, a few Browns players were wearing their winter gear as well. The worst thing about the large parkas is that they completely conceal the identity of the player underneath, so I don't know whom exactly to scold. You know who you are, pansy-ass Browns player, may you be traded to the Rams or Buccaneers or some other loser wimp franchise.

Corey says: My Cheater of the Week has been weather-related for two weeks in a row now; I guess it's only fitting for me to agree with Alex on this one. The Cheater of the Week is anyone who wore a winter coat to last night's game. Give me a break, Miami. I knew you sucked, but this is just ridiculous. If it had been 60 degrees at our home stadium, we would all have been wearing shorts, and running through the sprinkler and stuff.

Next week: With a glorious victory over the Houston Texans all but certain, the fantastic voyage will soon come to an end (unless, of couse, the Browns make the playoffs). Be sure to drop by your favorite wacky, zany Cleveland sports blog for one final, regular-season dose of obscure Browns, timeless jerseys, Pontbriand magic, and hilarious jokes at the expense of Gerard Warren and/or Earl Little! See you then!

In the name of fairness, I must alert you to a mistake I made in my last post ("The Jersey Numbers: 0 to 9"). I hastily named crappy relief pitcher Rick White the greatest Cleveland athlete ever to wear #00, without having done all my research. In preparing for future installments of my Jersey Numbers series, I discovered Paul Dade, an Indians outfielder in the late 70's who wore 00 on his uniform. Dade sucked, but not as much as White. So for anyone who really cares, I have edited my comments below. My sincerest apologies to the Dade family for this heinous oversight.

Happy Festivus!

If you've been reading our blog for a while now, you know that I am obsessed with jersey numbers. I use the jersey numbers of my favorite athletes to remember addresses, phone numbers, where I've parked, what hotel room I'm in, or what TV channel I want to make sure to check back to. Now, you may also have seen a feature on ESPN.com's Page 2 a while back (which they recycled a couple of weeks ago) in which they listed the greatest pro athlete at each of the jersey numbers, from 0 to 99. On ESPN's list, only one Cleveland athlete was chosen to represent his jersey number, that being Jim Brown (who edged Magic Johnson). Well, I've wanted to do an all-Cleveland version of this for a long time. This entry, in which I'll cover #0 through #9 (including #00), will be the first of 10 installments in the series. I intend to publish a new installment each week for the next ten weeks. Here we go...

#0 - Jeff McInnis

Cavaliers, '04-'05

I realize this may be an underwhelming way to begin such a monumental project, but the choices at #0 are really quite few. Even though McInnis has only played two half-seasons so far as a Cavalier, he's played very well, and has been a starter whenever healthy. Believe it or not, that alone is more than enough to qualify him for this honor. It's ironic that, just this past summer, Drew Gooden wanted to pay McInnis for the rights to this number, since, in Cavaliers history, McInnis was only the second man to wear it (the first man, Lari Ketner, wore it for all of 91 minutes in the '99-'00 season, scoring a total of 24 points in 16 games). Hopefully, McInnis will continue to perform well for many years, earning himself a more justifiable place among the great athletes on this list.

Runners-up: Junior Ortiz (Indians, '92-'93): shared catching duties with Sandy Alomar for two seasons; would've been a Hacking Mass all-star if Hacking Mass had been invented yet.

#00 - Paul Dade

Indians, '77-'79

At least single zero has McInnis. The choices for double zero are easily the most pathetic of any number. I gave serious thought to skipping it altogether, but since some players do wear it, I felt it was only fair. Paul Dade was the second man ever to wear #00 in the major leagues (don't ask me who the first man was; I haven't a clue). He was the Indians' regular left fielder for most of the '77 season, and parts of the next two seasons, before he was traded to San Diego (for Mike Hargrove, straight up, interestingly enough). His ability to hit for power was absolutely abyssmal, and his ability to draw walks was, let us say, unimpressive. He managed to make a name for himself, however, on the strength of a .291 batting average in 1977, the year in which he saw the most playing time. I will not pretend he was a decent player, but he edges Rick White for this prestigious honor because he spent more time in Cleveland.

Runners-up: Rick White (Indians, '04): pitched 78.3 innings last year, good for a 5.29 ERA; has already been signed by another team.

#1 - Bobby Avila

Indians, '49-'58

Avila was the first Mexican baseball player to enjoy real success in the major leagues. He was the Indians' starting second baseman through most of the 50's, including the historic '54 team, arguably the best squad in Indians history. That year, Avila won the AL batting title, batting .341/.402/.477 (pretty impressive for a middle infielder in the 50's). He was on the AL all-star team three times between '52 and '55. He was originally a soccer player, and it was supposedly still his favorite sport. Rumor has it that he often used his incredible soccer skills to kick the ball out of the fielder's glove when sliding into a base. I'm skeptical as to whether or not soccer prowess would allow someone to do that any better than a regular baseball player could. Nonetheless, Avila is easily the best #1 in Cleveland sports history.

Runners-up: Terrell Brandon (Cavaliers, '92-'97): enjoyed six solid years as Cavs' point guard; would need several more seasons to possibly eclipse Avila, though. Carlos Boozer (Cavaliers, '03-'04): I would prefer not to discuss it. Wesley Person (Cavaliers, '98-'02): ranks second all-time among Cavaliers in both 3-pointers made and 3-point percentage.

#2 - Tim Couch

Browns, '99-'03

I promise we'll cover some better athletes very soon. The choices for #2 happen to be rather thin, though. Say what you want about Couch; in this categroy, he towers over his competition. Couch-bashing has become a popular activity around town, but you can count me among those who don't think he got a fair deal in Cleveland. I'm not necessarily saying he's a good player, because he looked pretty awful at times. But he never had the slighest semblance of an NFL-caliber line blocking for him, nor did he ever have the slightest threat of a running game to keep defenses out of his grill. As a quarterback whose biggest weakness was making dumb decisions (usually leading to interceptions), I honestly believe he could have put up great numbers if he'd had more time to make his throws. For what it's worth, Couch's career completion percentage of 59.8% is still better than that of Graham, Ryan, Sipe or Kosar. The past is behind us; let us occasionally try to remember Tim Couch for his few triumphs, such as the two Hailmary wins, the two comebacks against Tennesse, and the sweep of the Ravens in 2001.

Runners-up: Dick Porter (Indians, '29-'34): known as "Twitchy" because of his batting stance; was a good hitter but was trapped in the minors until age 28. Brett Butler (Indians, '84-'87): spent four years as an Indians outfielder/leadoff hitter with decent on-base but horrible slugging; was regarded as a stolen base guy, but his success rate wasn't too good. Dajuan Wagner (Cavaliers, '03-'05): generally sucks.

#3 - Earl Averill

Indians, '29-'39

This one's a no-brainer. One of the greatest power hitters in Indians history, Earl Averill enjoyed a long career despite not making it to the majors until age 27. When he was traded to Detroit following 11 seasons as the Indians' star, the fans were outraged, for he had set the franchise mark for home runs, which would not be broken until Jim Thome, in the "live ball" era we currently enjoy. In spite of the fan outrage, though, trading Averill was a good idea, as his career began to fizzle out soon after. When he retired two years later, only eight men had ever put up a better career OPS. Averill's #3 is one of six that the Indians have retired. He's also one of 13 players currently enshrined in the Hall of Fame as an Indian.

Runners-up: Craig Ehlo (Cavaliers, '87-'93): spent 7 years as a solid starter, but will mainly and unfortunately be remembered for The Shot. Dale Mitchell (Indians, '46-'56): spent 11 seasons as an Indians outfielder with a good batting average; made 2 all-star teams. Woodie Held (Indians, '58-'64): had a little power for a shortstop/utility man, otherwise a weak hitter.

#4 - Ron Harper

Cavaliers, '87-'90

The competition at #4 is pretty tight. None of the options are particularly amazing, but a bunch of them are on equal footing. Ron Harper played only about 3 seasons with the Cavaliers after they drafted him #8 overall in 1986, but he was a major component of their success during those years. Harper, Brad Daugherty, Mark Price, and Hot Rod Williams all joined the Cavs as rookies in the same season, but it was Harper who had the best rookie year, averaging 22.9 points per game, and earning his reputation as a scorer. He also finished third in the league in steals. Harper may be remembered mainly as a contributor on several championship Bulls and Lakers squads, but he was never as good in L.A. or Chicago as he was when his career first began in Cleveland.

Runners-up: Jim Hegan (Indians, '41-'42, '46-'57): one of the best catchers in franchise history, but he only wore #4 for about half his Indians career. Shawn Kemp (Cavaliers, '98-'00): much-maligned, but he actually did perform in step with the rest of his career. Phil Dawson (Browns, '99-'04): one of the "New Browns" MVP's.

#5 - Lou Boudreau

Indians, '38-'50

Another no-brainer, not only because Boudreau is one of the greatest Indians of all time, but because he has almost no competition. He was simultaneously the best shortstop in the American League, and one of the most successful managers in team history. His career and his popularity peaked in 1948 when, of course, the Indians won the World Series. What's ironic is that Bill Veeck, who bought the team in 1946, had tried to replace Boudreau as manager before the legendary '48 season, but the public outcry was so great that he was forced to change his mind. Like Averill, Boudreau is one of the 13 players to enter the Hall of Fame as an Indian, and his #5 is of course retired. Alex and I have often wished that some team, ideally the Indians, would bring back the concept of player-manager, especially since so many of the more famous player-managers throughout history were Indians. Not that such a move would be a good idea in today's game, just that it would be damn cool. We've also, on occasion, resorted to calling the Indians "the Boudreaus" (or 'Dreaus, for short), the reason for which escapes me at the moment (though I suspect we were coming up with silly suggestions for new team names during a discussion about how the current one is racist).

Runners-up: John Bagley (Cavaliers, '83-'87): Played his first five years as the Cavaliers' point guard; was reasonably productive in the assists department.

#6 - Joe Vosmik

Indians, '30-'36

Several Indians who were better than Vosmik wore #6, but none wore it for more than a couple years of their career. At least Vosmik wore it the whole time he was in Cleveland. Over the course of seven seasons, he played outfield and hit fairly well, but it was his monster 1935 season that defined his rather formidable peak. That year, he came out of nowhere to bat .348/.408/.537, finish second in the batting race (by a single percentage point), and lead the league in doubles, triples, and hits. After the Indians traded him in 1937, Vosmik enjoyed a couple more good years as a member of the St. Louis Browns and Boston Red Sox, but his best times were clearly in Cleveland.

Runners-up: Rocky Colavito (Indians, '55-'59, '65-'67): would eclipse Vosmik if hadn't worn #6 for only two seasons. Ken Keltner (Indians, '37-'44, '46-'49): same deal; he only wore #6 for three seasons.

#7 - Al Rosen

Indians, '47-'56

For #7, I could have gone one of three different ways. I decided on Al Rosen, though, because he is the greatest third baseman in Indians history, and because his career spanned both the 1948 World Series championship and the 1954 record-breaking year. Rosen is primarily remembered for his MVP year in 1953 (when he missed the Triple Crown by percentage points in his batting average). In fact, before I started doing my research for this, I was under the impression that Rosen was a one-year wonder of sorts. I remember hearing that somewhere. Indeed, 1953 was his best year (he hit an incredible .336/.422/.614), but he was a great player for many years, and his '50, '52, and '54 seasons were also all-star worthy (he generally hovered around .300/.400/.500) for those years. I think Rosen would be much better appreciated were he playing today, at least in sabermetric circles, as his ability to draw walks was truly one of his best skills. Of course, his home run hitting was quite impressive as well.

Runners-up: Bingo Smith (Cavaliers, '71-'80): was the first Cavaliers star; orchestrated the "Miracle of Richfield". Kenny Lofton (Indians, '92-'96, '98-'01): was the league's best center fielder for a while but peaked early; a sentimental favorite of mine, given my age. Hal Trosky (Indians, '33-'41): consistent power-hitting first baseman.

#8 - Albert Belle

Indians, '89-'96

In a way, I regret that Albert will be remembered more for his brooding and his corked bat incident than his total dominance on the field. That he didn't win the 1995 MVP award is still the biggest crime in the history of mankind. That year, Albert's .317/.401/.690 was far superior to Mo Vaughn's .300/.388/.575; on top of that, Albert had 50 home runs to Mo's 39, 52 doubles to Mo's 28, 173 hits to Mo's 165. He even tied Vaughn in RBI's, and bested him in runs scored, for the idiot voters who care about that sort of thing. On top of that, the Indians had a better record than the Red Sox, and went further in the postseason, for the idiot voters who care about that sort of thing! In fact, the two men even met in the division series - Vaughn hit .000/.067/.000 in 14 at-bats, while Albert hit .273/.467/.636 in 11 at-bats. Yet Vaughn beat out Belle, 308 to 300, for the MVP. What's ironic is that 1995 wasn't even Albert's best year at the plate; 1994 was (he hit .357/.438/.714, but Frank Thomas had an even better year - incredible!). Because he wasn't a fan favorite to the degree of so many of his teammates, especially when he left Cleveland, Albert Belle doesn't get much credit for the Indians' success of the mid-90's, but the fact is, he is still the greatest hitter of the Jacobs Field era, and that's saying something.

Runners-up: Ray Fosse (Indians, '67-'72, '76-'77): long-lasting, great defensive catcher, but inconsistent at the plate. Ken Keltner (Indians, '37-'44, '46-'49): here he is again; he only wore #8 for three years; shouldn't have kept switching numbers.

#9 - Carlos Baerga

Indians, '90-'96, '99

Here's another number where the options aren't spectacular. Baerga gets it for being consistent with the bat during the rebuilding (and early playoff) years. As a youngster at the time, who didn't entirely understand that statistics could tell you which players were better than others, I thought Baerga was the star of the team because the PA announcer got the most excited in saying his name (which resulted in the fans giving him the loudest cheer). It turns out that the announcer just loved rolling the 'r' in 'Baerga'. Anyway, I'll always have fond memories of Carlos' time in Cleveland as a result. He was a good-hitting second baseman, after all. It's a shame that his personal problems forced an early downfall to his career; though his recent attempts at a comeback are heartwarming, he's been an awful player ever since we traded him. When we bought him back for a few games in '99, I remember I was at his first game back at the Jake; I don't think the home fans have ever cheered so loud for a newly-signed backup utility man.

Runners-up: Matt Bahr (Browns, '81-'89): solid, reliable kicker who lasted through the Schottenheimer years. Luke Easter (Indians, '49-'54): great power-hitting first baseman whose too-short career in the majors was stalled by the color barrier.

I feel a bit sheepish to say this, but here the Browns are, putting the finishing touches on one of the two most exhilarating 3-win seasons they've had since the expansion, and Alex and I, who claim - or at least pretend - to be responsible liaisons to 30 or so loyal readers, both miss the entire game! You see, fate conspired against us. We were each aboard airplane flights that coincided with the duration of the Browns game, Alex en route to sunny Cleveland, and I from New York back to the Pizza Wasteland.

I don't know what Alex was able to find in the way of a game recap, but for me, it was pretty much the NFL Films highlight reel and a thorough look at the stats. Apparently, I didn't miss much. The first thing I noticed was that the Browns' juggernaut offensive attack exploded all the way into triple digits in yards gained! The defense, meanwhile, allowed San Diego only four complete passes. Of course, Marty Schottenheimer, well aware of the best ways to beat the Browns, and certainly aware of the best way to gain yards in the brutal Cleveland snow, only called seven pass plays, cough, cough. Of the three that were unsuccessful, two were incomplete and one was a sack.

What struck me, though, other than the fact that the Browns offense played poorly yet again, was that the San Diego offense didn't play that much better. The difference in the game, it seems to me, was the fact that the Browns, in their three scoring opportunities, went 0-for-3 (throwing an interception, sending in Robot Phil to miss a field goal, and turning it over on downs), whereas the Chargers, in their three scoring opportunities, came away with three touchdowns. So while the score was lopsided, the other stats are fairly even. Maybe it didn't look that way from watching, but then, how would I know?

Play of the Week

Alex says: Um, well, seeing as how SportsCenter showed all three of San Diego's touchdowns about twice (brought to you by Mastercard, Kraft Food, Miller Light, and the Tom Emanski Defensive Drills Video) and nothing else, and the Browns decided against making good on three trips to the redzone, I'll have to go with the Browns' biggest gain of the afternoon: Luke McCown's 39-yard pass to Dennis Northcutt to begin the Browns' first drive of the second half. I have no idea whether it was a catch-and-run or merely a long bomb, but seeing as how Quentin Jammer was called for interference and still made the tackle, I'll guess that it was a long bomb. You have to give it up to Dennis Northcutt these past two weeks: 6 receptions, 67 yards. Sadly, that is tied with Antonio Bryant for the team lead.

Corey says: The NFL Films highlight reel shows a mere eight plays this week, and only two of them go in favor of the Browns. Really, I feel as though my hands are tied. The stats show that there ought to be at least a few more candidates, such as a 26-yard run by Lee Suggs, the longest in quite a while (what, did the offensive linemen accidentally find themselves standing in the paths of the gentlemen they were supposed to block?). But of the two plays I can actually see, I'll choose Dyshod Carter's fumble recovery on a botched San Diego punt return early in the first quarter. Hey, just like the play I chose last week! The turnover left the Browns on the 5-yard line, closer to the Dawg Pound than they've been in, like, 8 decades. Except for when they're backed up against the Dawg Pound in their own territory, of course. Derrick Frost deserves praise, too, for unleashing a punt that landed on the Chargers' 5-yard line, inches from the sideline. Perfect. I'll ignore, for the moment, the fact that Luke McCown threw an extra-stupid interception on the very next play.

Player of the Week

Alex says: This goes to my main man, Dennis Northcutt. Northcutt was responsible for the two biggest yard gainers of the day for the Browns (a 39-yard reception in the third, and a 38-yard punt return in the fourth) which allowed him to edge out the Suggernaut as yardage leader (106 to 103--don't forget Lee's reception for -2 yards). On the topic of Suggs though, let's not chalk this up as another Week-17-of-2003-esque game, Suggs did mix in 6 rushes of negative or zero yards with his other nice runs.

Corey says: I suppose it has to be Lee Suggs, who somehow rushed for a hundred yards, averaging an unprecedented 5.0 yards per carry (compare that to LaDainian Tomlinson's 4.3 yards per carry). Normally, I'm not one who likes to give any credit at all to a running back for his performance, since I am of the belief that they don't really do much - either there's a hole to run through, and they run through it, or there's not, and they get tackled (I really don't think there's much of a difference between Priest Holmes, and, say, James Jackson; if you put Jackson behind the Chiefs' blockers, you'd watch him rush for just as many yards and touchdows, much like Holmes' backup is already doing this season in KC). At this point in the season, however, I simply can't bring myself to praise the Browns' pathetic excuse for an offensive line, so I'll give Suggs some credit.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

It was a blown coverage.... I don’t want to throw anybody under the bus, but one of the linebackers was supposed to run with him. I don’t know what happened.

--Earl Little. Earl Little was asked to describe how Antonio Gates was able to score a 72-yard touchdown and outrun him. In fantastic Earl Little-fashion: it's not my fault! Later in the locker room interviews, Earl discussed for seven minutes why he shouldn't have been benched for Chris Crocker earlier this season. Let me just address Earl here and say: Earl, no one cares. Please shut up about that now. And saying that you were finally vindicated because "cream always rises to the top" is crap too because Crocker is injured. Way to out-injure yourself back into a starting position.

Corey says:

I think the players are starting to care about the Cleveland Browns. I think the players are starting to care about the fans of Cleveland, the people of Cleveland. And I know the people of Cleveland care. So my hat's off to those people: the Cleveland Browns fans that were not here today, the Cleveland Browns fans around the world. I also want to apologize. I want to say I'm sorry, I really do. I'm sorry not just about today, but I'm sorry about the season.

--Terry Robiskie. I've included the first two sentences of this quote for comedy. But really, my point here is that I'd like, if I may, to speak on behalf of everyone and accept your apology, Mr. Robiskie, with no hard feelings, because I know - and I think the people know - that it's not your fault that you suck. I don't hold it against you. In fact, I don't hold anything against anyone, not just in football, but in life. Call it a personal policy. (A policy, I should point out, that doesn't apply to Jose Mesa or, at times, an additional select few. The policy has a design flaw, I am aware.) Now, I may just be a little bitter at the moment, but I truly want you to remember this, Terry, when, some day, you take stock of your life and wonder sadly why you never got that golden chance to be real NFL head coach.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: I doubt I have to explain why I choose Dyshod Carter's recovery of Drayton Florence's muffed punt return. Sorry.

Corey says: Well, my Play of the Week is a special teams play, so this becomes a no-brainer. While it was Dyshod Carter who scooped up the fumble after the punt returner muffed it, I'd like to point out that it was Ryan Pontbriand who arrived second at the scene of the crime. We haven't seen much from Ryan this season in the way of tackles or interesting plays. Obviously, he's laying low, in preparation for a monster breakout season in 2005.

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Defensive tackle #74, Nick Eason, who played in his very first regular season NFL game Sunday. He made one tackle and added an assist, thus outdoing "starter" Gerard Warren's contribution for the day (only one tackle). At this point I think Gerard Warren's chances of remaining a Brown next season are about 2-3% despite Ace Davis's report of his contract being cheap.

Corey says: I choose DE #94, Amon Gordon, who, in the first action of his career (I think), filled in admirably for The People's Choice, who became the new "injured Browns starter du jour". Amon recorded 2 tackles and one assist, making himself yet another backup or injury replacement on the defensive line to record more tackles than Gerard Warren in a game this year. Amon weighs more than 300 pounds, but in high school, he was a running back! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Fashion of the Week

Alex says:

For some reason, this picture sums up the Browns season very well to me. Plus, brown jerseys in the snow look awesome.

Corey says: It occurs to me that in 14 weeks of choosing fashionable jerseys, neither Alex nor I has ever chosen our favorite Browns jersey, the #64 "PONTBRIAND" that Alex often wears on Sundays, a gift from me a couple of years ago. In Week 1, in our very first "Born and Raised...", Alex made a remark about being disqualified from picking his own jersey, but I honestly don't know where he got that idea.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: I choose my father, Official Dad of the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times (currently third in our poll results for proposed new Browns coach, behind only LeBron and Halle Berry and one of six loyal readers), for making not only me, but my favorite brother as well, miss the entirety of the Browns game. Shame on you, Dr. Rubin, and your lousy flight-booking skills. I think any of my non-Clevelander friends can attest to the lengths to which I would go, if necessary, to watch my teams. But, alas, it was not to be this week.

Corey says: Last week, after the Browns and Bills played their game in a light snow, I wrote up a list, the "Top 5 Teams Most Meant to Play in the Snow", since both of those franchises deserve to be on such a list. I made up a flimsy connection to the Cheater of Week so that I'd have a place to present my list. Well, this week, the Browns played yet another game in the snow, only it was against a team that deserves to be on quite a different list. So, in the spirit of finishing what I started, I name Marty Schottenheimer as my Cheater of the Week, for cheating Mother Nature herself, designing a successful snowstorm game plan despite heading up a franchise that has no right scoring a single touchdown in such a beautiful Cleveland snow, let alone three touchdowns. This week, my list is all about calling attntion to those pathetic, prancing, all-finesse teams whose fans don't know what it means to attend a real football game. Here we go:

Top 5 Teams Least Meant to Play in the Snow

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. You've heard the statistics before. Until recently, the Buccaneers had never won a single game in temperatures below 40 degrees. It didn't help that, until recently, the Buccaneers were the most pathetic franchise in NFL history, under any circumstances. Ultimately, they get the top spot because of a combination of their sissy fans with their piña coladas and whatnot, their geographic location, and the afforementioned stat regarding cold temperatures.
2. St. Louis Rams. Certain teams with domed stadiums (whose reputations tend to be all about finesse and/or a lack of toughness) can at least claim that they used to play in the snow, such as the Vikings or Colts. The Rams, though, are not only the most domey of all the dome teams, they used to play in Los Angeles, for crying out loud! Not a good combination.
3. San Diego Chargers. Unlike, say, Tampa Bay, the Chargers have a little bit of history in their corner, which keeps them out of the top 2, but their geographical location alone is enough to ensure their place among the top 3. I mean, what business do the freaking San Diego Chargers have beating us, in Cleveland, in a blizzard?! Oh, right... we suck.
4. Arizona Cardinals. These last two spots get tricky. There are about 5 or 6 teams that are all deserving. I chose the Cardinals, though, because they play in the desert. Their climate is the most extreme of all, I think. In fact, if they were - or had ever been - a decent team, I might not consider them for this list at all because of their potential ability to intimidate visiting opponents from the north, much the way we do to visiting opponents from the sun belt.
5. Miami Dolphins. Some people will want to see the Dolphins much higher on this list, because hey, it's Miami, but I have to say, the franchise doesn't really fit the mold of its city, namely because they have such a storied history, which I respect. Plus they played in that one game in Dallas on Thanksgiving when it was snowing for some reason; that was pretty funny. Anyway, they still beat out the rest of the candidates (Jacksonville, New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta, Dallas) because, hey, it's Miami.

Next week: It's the game we've all been waiting for! Finally, after so many weeks of waiting, we will expreience the matchup of the century - on prime time television - with the whole nation (give or take) watching! In true Cleveland fashion, the Browns are all but certain to march to victory next Sunday against the Miami Dolphins, following in the footsteps of so many Browns and Cavaliers teams whose worthless end-of-season victories cost them valuable footing in the draft order. We'll be right here, of course, as fired up as we were way back in Week 1, to recap the whole, inglorious proceeding. Stay tuned!

I'll be spending my weekend away from America's Pizza Wasteland, instead visiting my favorite sibling in the Promised Land of Pizza. Before I go, however, I wanted to share a few thoughts regarding Mark Shapiro's situation right now, since the last couple of days have seen a flurry of baseball headlines.

The people of Cleveland, from what I understand, are frustrated, as they often are, because they feel the Indians must now spend big money on a "name" free agent. This would be fine with me, so long as the guy was worth the money, but the fact of the matter is that most of the free agents with "recognizable" names sign for much more than they are worth, and that is not okay with me.

For a while, I was on the Matt Clement bandwagon, but his price tag seems to have risen in the last few weeks. Right now, I would much prefer to see the Indians sign someone for a lot less money who was, say, almost as good. Alex and I have talked about it recently; we would both be thrilled if the Indians would go after Odalis Perez, another free agent who's actually two years younger than Clement and would cost far less. Perez has had better numbers than Clement in two of the last three years, including 2004, and that's even after adjusting for the effects of Dodger Stadium, but he's not getting much media attention because his won-lost records are not very good (which, of course, means nothing).

I'm also against the idea of re-signing Ronnie Belliard. He's not likely to come as cheaply as he did last year, and he's also not likely to equal his performance of last year (which, in the end, wasn't even as good as he gets credit for). Ryan from "The Indians Compendium" suggested the other day that the Indians pursue Placido Polanco as a cheaper and better alternative at second base. I couldn't agree more.

All told, I don't like the notion that in a rebuilding process such as this one, you must reach a point (when you feel you're ready to compete) where you have to sign big-time free agents to "complete" or "legitimize" the process, or "prove to your fans that you're committed" and all that crap. There are too many examples of teams that spent huge money on free agents and still failed. I know that if the Indians went into spring training having added only Jose Hernandez, Odalis Perez, and Placido Polanco, the public would be furious. But that's exactly what I'm hoping for.

Rumors say the Cavs are looking to trade Diop and Wagner, which is nothing new, I suppose, but for whatever reason this story is getting more attention in the last few days. My feelings about this are ambivalent. One the one hand, viewing them strictly as basketball players, I don't ever want to see Diop and/or Wagner in the game, ever. Diop is only useful if you want a player who will block a lot of shots, but play terrible offense, strolling casually down the court, often stopping at mid-court to observe the local plantlife or perhaps jot off a few postcards. Wagner is equally frustrating, because, even though he shoots something like 0.0004% from the field, he gets his share of praise from the media because he can "score points", which, of course, anyone can do if he shoots the ball every time he touches it. As far as I can tell, he's not a particularly good shooter; he's a high-volume shooter. And his defense is horrible, which I am confident to say, even as an observer with an untrained eye and without looking up any numbers.

On the other hand, if these two are traded, I will miss them. It's hard to explain, really. For one thing, they are forever linked in my mind, because they came to the Cavs in back-to-back years, both as high lottery picks turned busts; they are best friends and next door neighbors. They share a personal chef (DeSagana's live-in chef, Chef Willie). They both make excellent use of the prefix de-/da- in their first names (though Dajuan really needs to start considering the DoubleCapital). Physically, they are opposites (well, for basketball players, they are). They're the original odd couple! I have thoroughly enjoyed making of fun of them these last few years.

Now, the Cavs aren't likely to get anything but second round picks in return for either of these guys. Really, the only thing they stand to gain by doing so is salary cap room for 2005, when, ideally, Cleveland is the place where all the cool kids want to sign. I'm all for clearing cap space, but I wonder if it's too small a return for Diop, Wagner, and Chef Willie.

While fans of most other NFL teams, if their team had put on the Browns' "performance" of yesterday, could say "that was one for the record books," sadly, we cannot. How bad was the game? Really, really bad. But was it the worst game in New Browns history? After much searching, I finally found box scores dating back to 1999, and I looked at every Browns loss (all 65 of them in 5.625 seasons) and judged them on yards gained, yards allowed, first downs, time of possession, and margin of defeat to determine which in fact was the biggest blowout.

The New Browns' All-Time Botttom 5 Games

5. Week 13, 2003 - Seahawks 34, Browns 7: First of all, the game really deserved to be 34-0, but Andre King returned a blocked punt for a meaningless touchdown with 3:00 left in the 4th quarter. After the game, with the understatement of the year, Butch Davis said "We got beat by a good football team today. We didn't play very well at times." I didn't make up that quote.
4. Week 13, 2000 - Ravens 44, Browns 7: During the great Wynn/Pederson quarterback controversy (when people all over Cleveland debated: are either of them quarterbacks?!) the Ravens and especially Ray Lewis afforded themselves an NFL Films highlight reel for the ages in this game. I think we've all seen that clip of Ray Lewis spinning Pederson around and flinging him down a thousand times on ESPN and NFL Films. Also, if you've ever played Madden 2005, the clip of Jamel White being crushed (which is played everytime you fire up the disc) is also probably from this game. The Baltimorons more than quadrupled the pathetic Browns offense in yards, though the Browns actually held a 7-0 lead at one point.
3. Week 14, 2000 - Jaguars 48, Browns 0: The very next week after being demolished by the Ravens, Spergon Wynn led the Browns to an even more embarassing loss. Somehow, Mark Brunell only threw for 165 yards on 15 of 31, but the Jags still outgained the Browns by 396 yards. Sadly, the Browns leading receiver was Jamel White, with 2 receptions and 11 yards, making the Browns' -9 net yards passing no surprise.
2. Week 14, 2004 - Bills 37, Browns 7: I don't think I have to recap this game too much, but I'll just highlight the interesting statistics of the game. The Browns' longest drive of the game was a 5-play 23-yarder in the first quarter that ended with a Luke McCown interception. The Bills outgained us by over 18 times!
1. Week 1, 1999 - Steelers 43, Browns 0: I think we all remember this game vividly--the rebirth and subsequent death of the new Browns. I remember watching ESPN and Drew Carey making some prophetic speech that one can no longer joke about Cleveland because we had a football team again. Uh, Drew? Yeah, um, you shouldn't have said that. The Browns only squeaked out 2 first downs, 40 total yards, and had to wait until at least Week 2 before attaining their first third-down conversion. Most amazing is that the Browns only had the ball for 12:11; that's only one-fifth of the game!

Play of the Week

Alex says: Thanks again to the entire Browns team for a concerted effort in making this really easy on me. The Play of the Week was of course the Browns' only touchdown. It was in fact a beautiful play, beating a big blitz and getting the ball to Northcutt in the open field like he should be. It was pretty much one of 6 or 7 plays in the entire game that turned out to be beneficial to the Browns.

Corey says: If Alex and I didn't have such unequivocally strong journalistic integrity and neverending devotion to our dumb weekly Browns feature, I would pass on this category, as a gesture of both laziness and disgust at the pathetic performance of the team. As it stands, though, I will stoop to picking a so-called "Play" of the Week, so long as it is understood by all who read this weblog that I neither applaud nor condone the play in question. I refuse to go with the Northcutt touchdown, because, on the play before it, McCown threw an interception in the endzone that was cancelled due to a penalty, lucky for him, so I'll go with Luke's 11-yard scramble for a first down which took place earlier in that same drive. It was the Browns' longest rush of the day. It was also the only time the Browns rushed for a first down in the entire game.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Oh boy, with such a tremendous team gameplan, designed for no one to stand out, I'll give this honor to Eric Lebron Westmoreland. He barely played enough to hurt the team like most of the other guys, and when he was in, he managed to force Willie Spaghetti to fumble. Plus, as we all know, his middle name is Lebron.

Corey says: My Player of the Week is LeBron James, who, with his contribution of "nothing", did as much - or more - to help the Browns' effort to win yesterday's game than anyone else in the universe. So congratulations to LeBron, a first-time recipient of our Player of the Week honors. Somehow I think he'll forgive me for saying that I hope he doesn't win this category any more in the future. It's a LeBron sweep!

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

I really don’t know if we can win another game.

--Terry Robiskie. Despite standing on the sideline exuding "I don't know what I'm doing," I have to give credit to Robiskie for being honest. I don't think even the most misled observer of the Browns could think that they have a chance of beating another team, even the 49ers. (Who won this week, bringing the Browns one step closer to blowing the #1 overall pick. Unfortunately, the 49ers will have to beat either Washington, Buffalo, or New England, although they do play the Patriots in Week 17 and Belichick might rest his starters.)

Corey says:

Cleveland had the potential to be expolsive on offense. When you look at them against Cincinnati a couple weeks ago, they put up 48 points, so, to come in and think we would hold them to less than 200, less than 300 yards, that's not something we really envisioned.

--Bills LB London Fletcher. Less than 200 yards, you say? You held them to 17 freaking yards, Copernicus. You have moved way beyond the area where you need to complement your opponent's effort, or talk about how things might have been. You, London Fletcher, are a fool if you try to explain to your little Buffalo media that the Browns' offense was anything but pathetic and/or hilarious on Sunday.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: I'll go with Mason Unck's strong hit on a Jonathan Smith punt return in the third quarter. I don't think there is much else to say about it, but a definite moan came from all the patrons watching the game at Browns Backers.

Corey says: It's got to be Michael Jameson's forced fumble on a Buffalo punt return, which was recovered by Barry Gardner deep in Bills territory, late in the first quarter. It led to the Browns' only score of the afternoon. How else did you expect them to march down the field? By passing? By rushing?!

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: #35 Dyshod Carter because I have no idea who he is. He actually was on the Browns for a brief period in 2001. Since then he has been signed and waived by New England and Arizona and has played in NFL Europe. Anyways, he made a nice play to knock the ball out of Eric Moulds' hands in the endzone in the third. Plus, his middle name is Vontae.

Corey says: At some point, with 89% of the Browns' opening day starters injured, we will reach a point where the Obscure Brown of the Week is, by default, the Player of the Week, since they're all obscure. This week, however, I select Alvin "Mount" McKinley, #97. He recorded the team's only sack, recovered a fumble, and, with only one tackle, managed to equal the total of the man he backed up, Gerard Warren. In fact, for the season, Gerard Warren has managed only 6 solo tackles (and 5 assists), compared to Mount McKinley's 20 solo tackles (and 13 assists). That's right, his backup has more than three times as many tackles as he does this season!

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: If you didn't notice, the Browns standing on the sideline often wear gigantic parka robes to keep warm in the snow. While these are a hideous traffic-cone orange, they do have some stylistic merits; namely, Brownie, the Browns elf! I love the elf and I wish the Browns would include their former logo on more team apparel.

Corey says: I need to go with a throwback yet again. You understand. I choose a classic white #21 "METCALF". Eric Metcalf, or, as he was known in our household, "Boom, Boom, Goodbye", is a great player to honor with a throwback jersey, for several reasons. Everyone remembers him fondly, but you don't see people wearing his jersey very often. His name evokes a nice mix of recognizability and underappreciation. Also, regarding the orange parkas, I kind of like them. The team wore them as far back as the 60's, as I often observe on late-night NFL films shows on ESPN Classic.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: I think we can all agree that Terry Robiskie is clueless about being a head coach, but this line of decisions made me angry: he benched Luke McCown to bring in an injured Jeff Garcia, who then reinjured himself in only two plays! First of all, if Garcia was healthy enough to play, he would be starting, so obviously he was still injured. So then why bench Luke? We knew he was going to suck big time, and by that time the game was all but over--Garcia was not going to lead a comeback with only about 3 starters left on offense. Thankfully though, even if Garcia is out for the season, it will make no difference one way or another.

Corey says: Whoever designed the current Buffalo uniforms. It's not the uniforms themselves that bother me so much. While I'd still find them ugly, I wouldn't have such a problem with them if they were designed for, say, the Buccaneers, or the Texans. No, the problem is that they are finesse (or "girly") uniforms, meant to be worn in the sunshine. Classic (or "manly") uniforms, such as the Browns', are the ones meant to be worn in the snow. This got me to thinking about the NFL teams most meant to play their games in the snow, and how the Bills' change of uniforms has affected their place among the pantheon of great snow-playing teams. So, to close out this week's "Born and Raised", I present another extra-special list:

Top 5 Teams Most Meant to Play in the Snow

1. Green Bay Packers. Much as I'd like to claim the top spot for the Browns, the Packers own this position, fair and true. They have the famous Frozen Tundra and the Ice Bowl of '67. Frankly, they have geography and history on their side. Their uniforms, classic as they come, are the perfect finishing touch to this, a franchise that was born to play in the snow.
2. Cleveland Browns. This spot just might have belonged to Buffalo if they had stuck to their classic-looking Jim Kelly uniforms, or even their older, O.J.-era ones. Both Buffalo and Cleveland have lake effect snow in their column, the only two NFL cities who do, but the Browns have the classic look, plus the fact that they play right on the shores of the lake, where icy winds are known to be a problem. Throw in a couple of old highlight reels of Jim Brown plowing (pun intended) his way through helpless defenders, and it's not even close.
3. Chicago Bears. They're like the Packers, what with the history, the classic stadium (sort of), and the classic uniforms, only they're not quite as far north. Having lived in Chicago, too, I've noticed that while the winters seem slightly colder than they do in Cleveland, there is not nearly as much snow. Once again, this spot should belong to Buffalo, but manly uniforms beat out girly uniforms every time.
4. Buffalo Bills. They still have a nice little bit of history, and they definitely have geography on their side. It still counts for something, even though I'm trying to illustrate a point.
5. New England Patriots. They don't have quite the history that the other franchises do, and it counts against them that they don't play in the Midwest, where football was born, and the current uniforms, while sufficient, don't quite fit the "snow team" model, but they most definitely have the right climate, and one extremely memorable playoff game in the snow in 2001. Those two things are more than enough to help them beat out the Giants for the fifth spot on the list.

Next week: We'll recap the week's action yet again, as the Browns hire a bunch of local former football players and retreads in a hilarious attempt to win, wherein they all learn important life lessons and eventually overcome bickering and frustration to beat their intimidating rival, the San Diego Chargers, in another classic thriller!

While I find the concept of winter meetings pretty antiquated and now just a false reason for out of season publicity, I feel pretty safe in saying that if you pay attention to baseball news, you probably heard about the biggest story of our time... that's right, Matt Lawton was traded. Essentially this was a swap of non-essential players. Lawton taking up about one fifth of the Indians payroll and an aging no-field outfielder on a young team with supposed outfield depth (I say "supposed" because we all saw what happened to the Indians supposed starting pitching depth this season, TNSTAAPP people, TNSTAAPP).

The Tribe gets Arthur Rhodes. This is not the same Arthur Rhodes who pitched for Seattle not two or three years ago. His K/9IP, K/BB, and OPS allowed have consistently fallen since 2002. But for an Indians bullpen who had Jose Jimenez in a key role at some points, I guess we'll take anything.

I won't go into speculation over whether the Pirates or Indians got the better deal (but given Mark Shapiro and Dave Littlefield's track records, it's all but certain). But, reading over CIR, I came across this judgment:

Arthur Rhodes is all the Indians have to show for the Robbie Alomar trade. Billy Traber (lost on waivers to the Red Sox), Alex Escobar (lost on waivers to the White Sox), Jerrod Riggan (long gone), Earl Snyder (long gone), Ricky Gutierrez (released, hey, although he was a free-agent, he was a part of this deal as well) have all departed. Spare me the rationalization that Alomar hasn't done anything since leaving Cleveland. The fact remains that at the time of the deal, Alomar was at the top of his game and a sure-fire first ballot hall of famer and, three years later, we have nothing to show for it. That's awful.

Of course I am not exactly happy with the way the Alomar trade turned out. Lawton was overrated to begin with, Traber's injury was unfortunate, and Escobar, Snyder, Riggan, and Gutierrez were tremendously disappointing to say the least. But I don't think you can bring the Indians to task for their actions. Not all trades work out the way you want no matter what you try. Thankfully, though, this trade set a new precedent in a fire-sale of aging (ie. declining) talent throughout the organization that brings us to this new era of young, exciting Indians teams. I wish that Lawton hadn't been so vastly overpaid once he resigned him, or that Escobar didn't suck so much, but, eh. That's not much of a position, but I'd rather be non-committal and rational than sensational when judging front office moves.

This is a follow-up to Alex's comments yesterday about NBA uniforms. First, his hypothetical link to the voting for the Central Division's best uniform is correct. Go here to vote for the best uniform in the Cavs' division. Note that, as of about 1:30 EST on Friday, the Cavs are leading the polls by a very comfortable margin.

I like the Cavs' uniforms - don't get me wrong - but I don't think they're the best in the division. I'll agree that they're the most modern-looking in the division, which, I think, explains why they're leading the polls (they're "in style"), but also will mean that they fade from popularity more quickly. This, of course, may be exactly what the front office wants, because it means that they'll be able to make tons of money on the new ones when they come around, say, six years from now.

Contrast this to the uniforms of, say, Boston, which have remained the same for over 135 years. I would guess that Celtics ownership is bringing in far less money in jersey sales than they should be. Now consider the Houston Rockets, who seem to update their look every 3.2 months, usually adopting something unusual and completely new in uniform design (ie: something that isn't likely to last long). I'll bet they sell a ton of jerseys.

As for the "best" jerseys in the Central Division, I would likely slot the Cavs in second, behind Detroit. The Pistons struck a nice compromise between classic and modern when they returned to their old blue and red color scheme. They wear a modern version of what they wore in their old glory days. Because they went back to the design after wearing something else, however, the current uniforms are more like a tribute to the old ones, rather than a natural evolution of them.

I would rank the Cavs next. While I was vocal in my distaste for the new uniforms when they were first released, I at least appreciate the return to a color scheme from team history. I am forced to admit, too, that the new unis have grown on me slightly due to LeBron, who was not yet promised to us when the new design was announced. My biggest complaint about the Cavs' new look, though, is that what was promised to us as "a new expression of wine and gold" turned out to be basically red and white. I was hoping for something that would look different from all the other teams. I even thought that the Cavs might wear gold at home, instead of white, since, during the entire wine-and-gold period of Cavaliers history, they never wore home whites. I happen to like the gold unis worn by Georgia Tech and others in the NCAA; I think the Cavs would have looked good in a color like that. It would certainly have been distinctive.

After the Cavs, I would rank Chicago third, for their classic design. I would even consider slotting the Bulls ahead of the Cavs, but their ugly black alternates knock them down a little. I would then place the Pacers fourth and the Bucks fifth. I think most people would put Milwaukee in last place, as I have done, but most people would do so just because of the color scheme (green and purple). I have no problem with unusual color schemes in sports; in fact I support them. I simply feel that the Bucks haven't done anything else with their jerseys. They are extremely plain. And they can't claim that it's because they're classic, because they aren't.

I have more to say about uniforms, including football and baseball uniforms. Look for more uniform posts in the near future.

Well with the Browns practicing in Berea and us awaiting their four game winning streak to piss away any chance of a good drafting position, I've taken to action. As you peruse the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times now, you'll notice two new masthead backgrounds (given enough visits, seeing as they're selected randomly at loading). I don't want to ruin the surprise, so I'll only give the titles: "Indians History" and "Cleveland's Mustards".

Actually, I shouldn't lie about the Browns being essentially inactive, I mean, look at the riveting top headline on clevelandbrowns.com, "Cleveland connection spurs on Bills"! I think one of the funnier passages of the article is this:

The big play has become one of Evans' trademarks, recording a 69-yard score last week in a win over the Dolphins.

"A lot of (making big plays) has to do with being put in the right position and being patient," Evans said. "As the season has gone along patience has played a big role. You have to work to get yourself open sometimes."

The Browns draw Evans at a bad time. Last week, Evans recorded his first 100-yard receiving performance, making four catches for 110 yards and two touchdowns.

Assuming that his big reception was fantastic, which it completely could have been, besides that Evans, a rookie, has 3 receptions for 41 yards and a touchdown--not too impressive. But no matter, he won't have a big game anyway, for if we know anything, it's that the Bills and Willie Spaghetti will pound the ball down the Browns' throat, just as every other team has done recently.

Fortunately, though, the Cavaliers are still in first place by 1½ games despite yesterday's blowout loss to, the Bulls?! What happened? I think we can explain the game by noting the Big Three's shooting inefficiency (5/15 for LeBron; 4/10 for Gooden Plenty; 5/11 for Z) and the fact that the Corpse Formely Known as Scott Williams stepped foot on the court.

More importantly, NBA.com is running a survey for the coolest uniforms. Each day they highlight a different division, tournament-style. Today they highlight the Atlantic Division. Tomorrow (December 10) is the Central's big day. Given the monotony of the Central's uniforms, the Cavaliers need every vote possible. Since it isn't tomorrow yet, NBA.com has yet to post the vote page for the Central. So here is the Atlantic page (which will include a link), and using my genius intellect here is my best guess as to what the Central page will be. Tell your friends!

I'm sorry to say, folks, but after the last several games and the events of the past week, there is simply nothing left for the Cleveland Browns to achieve. The man supposedly guilty for this mess has "resigned". 39 of the top 43 players on the depth chart have joined the IR. Even Robot Phil Dawson is ready to be deactivated and put into storage for the offseason. The television networks, whose job is to generate as much excitement about the games they show as possible, have run out of angles on the Browns. The best CBS could muster this weekend was a pathetic "five-week audition" mantra they repeated some 237 times. (As an aside, I can't wait for Week 16's Sunday night primetime heavyweight matchup on ESPN: Browns vs. Dolphins! How in the world do they plan on promoting that one?)

It's fitting, then, that the Browns were finally mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yesterday, albeit by the slimmest of possible margins. Of course, if they were in the NFC, they would quite possibly be in the middle of the wild card hunt. In the AFC, however, the best that remains for the team is a tragic scenario in which the Browns win out and finish tied with some six or seven other teams for the final playoff spot, at 7-9. The Browns, in this particular scenario, would even own the tiebreaker over all but one of the other 7-9 teams in the AFC! But alas, they would not own the tiebreaker over the cursed Baltimorons, leaving them just inches from the postseason. Not that I'm suggesting it will happen, mind you. It would require some 25 or 30 games to go exactly a certain way. But after yesterday's depressing loss, eager to find something positive to think about, I was encouraged to find that Baltimore, Denver and Jacksonville had all lost their games, granting the possibilty that all three could still finish with only 7 wins.

But it doesn't matter, because I found something else to celebrate about yesterday's game. Terry Robiskie is now ranked #1 all-time among NFL coaches in success on challenges, with a 100% success rate! During Butch Davis' early years with the Browns, he was among the league's best challengers, but he regressed significantly to the mean over the past two seasons. Robiskie, now, has charged onto the scene and made a bold statement, saying, "I've never lost a challenge and I don't intend to!"

Hey, give me a break. I wasn't kidding when I said there was nothing left to get excited about. Now how 'bout those Cavs?

Play of the Week

Alex says: Normally you would expect me to say thanks to the Browns for making this so easy on me and choosing one of their two touchdowns of the day. But not so fast! Is it just me, or is every football writer/analyst/coach/player a little too obsessed with points? And why is there this crazy rule in the NFL that the team that scores more points "wins"? Thankfully, both the Browns coaching staff and I understand that an overvaluation of accumulating points only makes the players feel bad about themselves and lower their self-esteem. Instead, I'm all for having fun.

Therefore, this week's Play of the Week goes to Frisman's incomplete bomb to Dennis Northcutt on an end-around. I love watching the ball sail out of Jackson's hand, if only the Browns tried WR-passes more often. Whilst reviewing the game, I believe I have devised the perfect offense for the Browns. Essentially, Luke McCown and Frisman Jackson would stand on opposite sidelines and toss the ball back-and-forth like a game of "Pickle in the Middle" until some 3rd party is open downfield at which point either McCown or Jackson would throw said party the ball.

Corey says: I, too, was tempted to name wideout/emergency backup QB Frisman Jackson's lone pass attempt of the season, but only because we've been waiting for so many months for the chance to see Frisman heave the ball 80 yards downfield, like only he can do. But I simply can't select an incomplete pass as the Play of the Week, can I? No, I'll go with Luke McCown's bomb to Antonio Bryant for the final touchdown. It's a toss-up between that and the previous play, a bomb to Northcutt from within the Browns' own endzone, as the two bombs were the only plays on the entire drive. In the end, though, I'll go with Bryant's reception, because it went for a touchdown, and because, let's face it, I'll never know the secret ingredients to the cookies that is making him a millionaire.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Given the enormous vacuuming noise eminating from the Browns throughout the game, and an unfortunate absence of the human Phil Dawson (save for one extra point), my player of the week is Luke McCown. Of course he wasn't spectacular, but consider this: he is a rookie; he was without the best receiver on the team, Andre Davis; the New England defense is #3 in the league by DVOA; subtracting the 11 yards McCown himself scrambled for in the second (which was the Browns longest rush of the game), the Browns only managed 35 yards on the ground. I was very impressed with his mobility in the pocket and especially his arm strength for I am tired of watching Jeff Garcia escape a sack only to rocket the ball into the sideline 10 feet in front of his receiver.

Corey says: Yeah, while I stand by my assertion that starting Luke McCown was a poor (although necessary, due to injuries) decision, he was the only player whose performance yesterday exceeded my expectations. He was given nothing to work with, and while he did throw quite a few incredibly dumb passes, he made some inspired plays as well.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

I don't try to have no blow-out, we try to shut the other team out.

--Kenard "The People's Choice" Lang, while putting on a Chicago White Sox jersey. I often use this space to mock players, coaches, or analysts for dumb comments, and today will be no different. What sparked Lang to say this with an incredulous look was the question from some female reporter, "When you look to these next few games, even though you guys have given up 100 points in the last two games, it doesn't necessarily mean that there's a bunch of blowouts in the future for the rest of the way, is it?" Would a professional athlete ever talk about how they planned on being blown out? What a stupid question. Also, Kenard, you are the best interview on the Browns by a long shot, and we here at the Mistake by the Lake love you and all, but what's with the White Sox jersey? I know it's throwback and all, but please, this is Cleveland.

Corey says:

They get into situations, and they out-situation you.

--CBS analyst Randy Cross. Where would we be were it not for the noble NFL commentators emploed by CBS, FOX, and ESPN, who not only tell us what is going on, but exactly how it is done? Thanks to Randy Cross and his self-proclaimed "Cross-Talk", I now understand the very secret of the New England Patriots' success. They out-situation you. Don't you see? The Browns have just been out-situationed. If only we had known about this ahead of time. Seriously, though, was there any doubt left about Cross' idiocy when he repeatedly referred to the play that is commonly called "dumping it off" as "doinking it out"? He must have said "doink it out" at least three times.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: Sadly, Richard Alston wasn't able to work his magic for a second consecutive week and again no one made a significant play on special teams. On a punt by DeFrost in the second quarter, Randall Gay muffed the catch and after a big pileup the refs awarded the ball to the Patriots (officially Troy Brown is reported to have recovered the fumble). However, what I noticed though was that during the time when the refs were disentangling the pile and the outlying players point, Ryan Pontbriand was pointing the wrong way! Of course the Patriots are going to get the ball when the referees look to the King of Football and see that he would award possession to New England. While Pontbriand did switch directions shortly thereafter, it wasn't quick enough and the Patriots were able to eke out a win in the end.

Corey says: It was as poor a day as the Browns special teams have had since 2002, probably. There is really nothing for me to commend. I guess I'll go with Phil Dawson's lone extra point, beacuse, ummm, at least it was successful at what it set out to accomplish...?

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Lewis Sanders. After somehow managing to stick with the Browns since being drafted in the 4th round of 2000 by Dwight Clark, Lewis finally made his expected big splash in the NFL by intercepting a pass from poster boy icon Tom Brady at the end of the second quarter, giving the Browns that all-important chance for a 52-yard Hail Mary with :01 left. Of course, the Browns didn't capitalize, and Sander's pass-interference penalty on David Patten moved the Pats up 39 yards earlier in the quarter to the Browns' 5-yard line earlier in the quarter. That was on a key drive sending the score to 0-21, making the game "unbelievably lopsided blowout" from regular "lopsided blowout". Nevertheless, congratulations to Sanders for making one good (and essentially meaningless) play.

Corey says: Adimchinobe Echemandu, who, during garbage time, got to see his first ever NFL action, rushing three times for 12 yards. His rushing average of four yards per carry is the best we've seen from a Browns running back in quite some time, so, even though it was against New England's second team, congratulations to Adimchinobe. Here's hoping he begins to climb the depth chart over the next few years.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: Brown #41 "PRENTICE" worn by an unknown guy at Browns Backers. While I don't doubt that this guy was being ironic by wearing the jersey, I know that he in fact bought it approximately when Prentice was still on the team (NFL custom jerseys have had slight modifications over the years). So then, why would you ever purchase a Prentice jersey? I don't think there's anything left to say on the issue, but, wow.

Corey says: A #86 "NORTHCUTT", which has been tragically under-represented among the fans during Dennis' five years as a Brown. Since it has seemd for a couple years now that Northcutt would only remain a Brown for a short period longer, I imagine a lot of potential Northcutt jersey wearers are discouraged from buying. Still, the team has never made much of an effort to sell Northcutt jerseys, even when he was the toast of the town, circa 2001-2002. During periods when they should have been marketing Andre Davis and Dennis Northcutt, they were intent upon selling Kevin Johnson and Quincy Morgan jerseys instead.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: Patriots safety Rodney Harrison for his illegal helmet-to-helmet hit on Antonio Bryant in the third. Thankfully, Harrison was penalized for the play, but he still had the audacity to complain about it to the referees. Every player in the NFL knows that you can't tackle like that especially in two situations (1) on a quarterback and (2) on a blind side hit on a receiver. Bryant was defenseless.

Corey says: How about wide receiver and former Brown David Patten for suckering Lewis Sanders into a 40-yard pass interference penalty which was not, in fact, pass interference? Patten stumbled on his own, perhaps in a deliberate attempt to make it look like interference. The replays showed that Sanders' fingers lightly grazed the back of Patten's jerseys several seconds before Patten began to stumble, and that Sanders didn't touch him at all in the seconds leading up to the stumble. It was a questionable call, at best, as even the idiot announcers remarked.

Next week: Keep it right here, where we'll recap all of next Sunday's thrilling action, as the Browns' juggernaut offense steamrolls the puny Buffalo Bills. Either that, or we'll talk about LeBron a bunch, I promise. Either way, you win!

Anyways, I just wrote a long, intelligent post on MLB.com's Blooper of the Year Award only to have Blogger promptly delete it upon completion. It was really good and funny, trust me. Anyways, I'll just summarize and say watch then vote "Crisp and Duque Dance". Coco breaks it down old school, yo. Also of note is that two of the six nominees come from Orlando Hernandez/Coco Crisp battles? How is that possible? There must be some crazy magic karma between the two.

Who else is excited for the dawn of Luke McCown's likely long and storied Hall of Fame career as the Browns QB? Actually, is there a worse place to make your premiere as a starter for McCown--all the turmoil (I suppose there ought to be some) of a coaching change and you're playing the 3rd best defense in the league by DVOA? Fortunately, Browns fans can't have unreasonable expectations.

The season isn’t over yet. There are still five games left. At the end of the season, let’s see what the numbers are and then you can come holler at me.

--Gerard Warren. I'm only posting this in the hope that someone will think to remind me about it when the season ends. Because I would like nothing more than to "see what the numbers are" and, if apropriate, "holler" at Gerard.

This just cracks me up, though. Is "Big Money" implying that he will have five monster games, starting now? And if so, why did he wait until now? You'd think he would have been thoughtful enough to have at least one monster game in his pathetic career brfore turning on the proverbial gas -- now, after nearly four years of horrible ineptitude.

Reading over Corey's excellent piece of journalism (not to be confused with a piece of hitting, for no batter can ever display just good hitting, only in pieces dear readers) a few questions came to mind. Can we really have Slider as an answer for a question that specifically qualifies the Browns head coaching slot for "people"? Not to say that Slider couldn't or shouldn't be head coach, but Corey seems to make some crazy assumption that Randy Lerner and that other guy would only hire a person. Please. They are known to employ robot special teams players from time to time, so why not a mascot coach?

Also, when Corey mentions the Chosen One, he spells it "LeBron". Now, I am a lover of the current trend for professional sports teams, especially minor league ones, of using the DoubleCapital, but I don't think it applies here. Looking at King James' homepage, one should immediately notice the title: "The Official Website of NBA Sensation, Lebron James". However, on the "Personal Journal By NBA Sensation LeBronJames" it is obviously spelled DoublyCapitalized, and each post has the by-line "Posted by: LeBron James".

Moving away from James' website, since it was clearly developed by a 3rd-party, and I doubt that the King really spends any of his time looking/developing it (I also doubt whether he actually maintains his own journal, but oh well), let's look at how his main employers spell his name. Nike's home page features a picture of #23 holding a basketball that says "LeBRON," no help there. But the site for the AZG Low, the description reads, "The LeBron Summer Lowdown: whether he's working out, hanging out, or going out, the Air Zoom Generation Low keeps LeBron on his game." The Cavaliers website consistently refers to him as "LeBron", seen here. Bubblicious uses "LeBron" as does Powerade. Since it's also owned by Coca-Cola, I think Sprite's choice is self-evident.

It appears as if my original assumption, that Gloria James did not predate the DoubleCapital craze by about 15 years, was incorrect. Kudos to her and her son LeBron. From now on, I will make sure to not be incorrect as I once was.

[P.S. I noticed on the cockamamy "biography" of King James on his website that he neither lists Fruity Pebbles as his favorite cereal or The Simpsons as his favorite TV Show. Instead, he lists Trix/Honey Oat Granola and Martin/Sportscenter respectively. I find this incredibly hard to believe, especially given the amateurish circa-1996 feel of the site, and the way it is never updated. I can distinctly remember LeBron being quoted saying that the best graduation present he received was something like 20 boxes of Fruity Pebbles. I just don't know whom to trust anymore.]

We at the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times are nothing if not gleefully wasteful of your valuable time. Thus, I present to you a guide to some of the lesser known candidates for the new head coaching vacancy in Berea. You've undoubtedly heard some of the bigger names being floated around; well, these are the names that haven't yet been discussed in the offices of Mr. Lerner and Mr. Collins (and almost certainly never will be). Sure, the position won't be filled until well after the season ends and a general manager has been found, but with little else to get excited about this week, this is what we're going to do.

These "fringe" candidates are also the subject of our new poll question. If you had to pick one, which would it be? Voting occurs down and to the right, there. As for the outgoing poll question, Doug Dieken was indeed the runaway winner as your favorite color commentator, with 33 votes (41%). Austin Carr took second, as expected, with 19 votes (23%).

Now, on to the coaching candidates.

Terry Robiskie

Pros:

• Bears an awesome resemblance to Jim Brown, the Greatest Man Ever to Play Football
• Would make Kelly Holcomb the happiest man on Earth

Cons:

• Browns would not win any of their games

LeBron James

Pros:

• Would use his ninja magic to win many games
• Could step in as wide receiver if/when needed

Cons:

• Would make the people of Cleveland uncharacteristically spoiled
• Would likely force the NBA to move its season to springtime to prevent conflicts in LeBron's schedule

Bernie Kosar

Pros:

• Obvious connection to franchise's past
• Would be a fan favorite

Cons:

• Obvious lack of coaching experience

Al Pacino

Pros:

• Played a head coach in that one football movie
• Would give unbelievably cool press conferences

Cons:

• Might have unreasonable salary demands
• Appeared in "Gigli"

Slider

Pros:

• Could entertain fans with hilarious hijinx

Cons:

• Might have difficulty communicating; calling plays
• Might inspire jealousy among CB, Chomps, TD, and Trapper

Chris Palmer

Just kidding.

Roger Brown

Pros:

• Could get the "inside scoop" on opponents

Cons:

• Is a moron

Halle Berry

Pros:

• Hails from Cleveland
• Is extremely attractive
• Would be the first female head coach in the history of the major pro sports

Cons:

• Browns would not win any of their games

Corey and Alex's dad

Pros:

• Would only allow players with both consistency and athleticism
• Correctly predicted every single one of Jim Thome's home runs as an Indian, not that this necessarily has anything to do with football

Cons:

• Incorrectly predicted a home run on every single one of Jim Thome's other at-bats

These are just a few preliminary choices, of course. In the end, the Browns may hire one of these people; they may not. We have a few months to go before they make their decision. In the meantime, tell us whom you'd prefer.