Wow, this week has been amazingly boring. The Browns have a bye. The Indians aren't in season. The Cavs finished up the pre-season, and are currently awaiting their opening game Wednesday against the Indiana Pacers. The Rockers no longer exist.

But there has been news... sort of. The Cavaliers picked up the one-year option for next year for Drew Gooden already. On the same day they announced they won't do the same for The Juan Wagner. But those are boring. Let's look an exciting news report from the Cavs:

New Feature Alert - Here is the Moondog Quiz of the week:

1. Anderson Varejao is to Drew Gooden as Sideshow Bob is to ________.
2. Brian Piccolo is to Gale Sayers as _______ is to Tractor Traylor.
3. Often cited on Cleveland Cavaliers.com, what does "HWC" stand for?

The first Moondogger to email me at moondog@gundarena.com with all three right answers will win a free T-shirt (Cavalier interns are not allowed to win).

These are real stumpers! Varejao does look like Sideshow Bob, or Justin Guarini, but Drew Gooden? He looks like... I don't know. As for the rest, I don't know those either. If any of you do know, go ahead and try to win that T-Shirt, it sounds awesome!

Another things I learned this week: Derrick Frost has considered a career in politics after playing in the NFL. And PDaws wants to become a lobbyist. Vote Frost/Dawson in '20!

In sports, there are real rivalries, and there are fake rivalries. The real ones are the ones that are always in play, even when one or both of the rivals happens to be terrible. The fake ones fade away as soon as one of the teams loses its winning ways.

The real ones are fairly easy to recognize. In baseball, there are only three. Yankees-Red Sox, Cubs-Cardinals, and Dodgers-Giants. A few others have a case for being included here -- mainly more recent interleague rivalries like Cubs-White Sox and Yankees-Mets. The Indians, unfortunately, don't have a clear rival. Within our division, we pretty much go with whoever's in first place; right now it's the Twins, but remember: five years ago, we thought of the Twins the way we currently think of, say, Detroit. There's no lasting rivalry there.

Longtime Indians fans, meanwhile, like to tell themselves that the Yankees are our rival. As far as the Yankees are concerned, though, we are, at best, their fourth-biggest rivals, after Boston, the Mets, and Baltimore. I suspect, however, given the low intelligence and extremely short attention span of your average Yankee fan, that the people of New York wouldn't rank us nearly that high, probably slotting us near the middle of the pack. We Clevelanders recall the fact that, in Indians history, every time the team has gotten good, it's coincided with one of the all-time great Yankee dynasties (the 1920's, the 1940's-50's, and the 1990's). New York fans don't remember details like that.

Among Cleveland teams, only the Browns have a true real rivalry, with Pittsburgh. Browns-Ravens is also a real rivalry, but it's a special case; it almost belongs in its own category because of the extenuating circumstances that led to its formation. The NFL has the highest number of real rivalries, starting with Browns-Steelers, Bears-Packers, Cowboys-Redskins, Giants-Eagles, and Raiders-Chiefs. The Browns, like the Raiders or Packers, are in the unique position of being the number one rival of more teams than it has real rivalries, because the Bengals, tagalongs that they are, consider us their big rivals. It's also worth mentioning that, in Browns history, there was one fake rivalry that was about as strong as fake rivalries can be, but it was doomed to remain a fake rivalry because of geography and division alignment. I'm referring, of course, to the 1980's rivalry with Denver.

Which brings me to the Cavaliers, and the reason I'm writing about rivalries at all. In basketball, there aren't many classic real rivalries. That's probably because, in NBA history, 87.2% of all championship titles have been won by either the Celtics or the Lakers, so the rest of the teams just consider either Boston or L.A. their rival, depending on which side of the country they play in. You could make a case for Boston-New York, but then, I think people just assume those two teams are rivals because of the cities they play in; I can't really think of any classic matchups between the two. Besides, the history of the Knicks is so pathetic in comparison to that of the Celtics that calling them #1 rivals feels a little bit like calling the Indians and Yankees the same.

The NBA, therefore, is dominated by tons and tons of fake rivalries, such as the recent Lakers-Kings rivalry (which will die down as soon as one of the teams stops winning, although the Kings, like every team in the West, will forever continue to pretend they have a heated rivalry with the Lakers). The Cavs had a very good fake rivalry going with Chicago in the late 80's, in the years before the Bulls demonstrated they were in a completely different class than the Cavs.

Cavs history has been pretty pathetic since the beginning of the franchise, but now, suddenly, the team finds itself in a unique position. For once, the Cavs are getting more national attention than any of their opponents, which means that all the other teams actually want to be our rivals. The upcoming Golden Age of LeBron is the perfect opportunity for the Cavaliers to form a great rivalry. Whether it could become a real rivalry or would be a temporary one is hard to predict, but either way, it needs to happen.

Let it be known, then, that the Boston Celtics have announced their candidacy for rivals to the LeBron-Era Cavaliers. After a little bit of bad blood last season courtesy of Ricky Davis, the two teams had a major fight Monday in a preseason game, as Paul Pierce got into it with almost every member of the Cavs, especially LeBron. Read about it here.

Meanwhile, there are those in the media that would like to see a Cleveland-Denver rivalry, but I just don't see it happening, unless they met in at least one NBA Finals. I, for one, would prefer to see the Cavs form a rivalry with one of the teams in our newly-aligned division, preferably Detroit or Chicago. The rivalry with Detroit would be easy enough, since the city is closer to Cleveland than any other and the Pistons are currently good and seem poised to stay that way for the near future. The rivalry with Chicago would have a better chance of lasting, though, because of the little bit of history that already exists between the two franchises, but it would require the Bulls to get good (ie: "deep in the playoffs" good) at some point during the next two or three years, and I just don't see that happening.

Hi, everybody. Sorry that "Born and Raised" is a little late this week, but I have a good excuse, I swear. Not that I need to bore you with the details.

Almost no one thought the Browns could beat Philly, and yet they hung with them until the end, putting up an incredible 31 points with a receiving corps so depleted, it made Charlie Nagy's elbow cartilege look like... let's see here... a normal elbow's worth of cartilege. The fact that the Browns scored 31 with their 3rd- and 5th-string wide receievers getting most of the playing time is what impressed me the most. You see, Philly knew full well we were going to run the ball more than usual, and yet they quite simply allowed Suggs and Green to push them around.

Meanwhile, the tag team of Heiden and Shea did more than their part in filling the void left by Andre Davis, Quincy Morgan, and Andre "Hurricane" King. The two tight ends each made crucial first downs running up the sideline, breaking tackles by simply colliding with defenders like freight trains.

It was also an historic week for Browns jersey number trivia. When Butch decided to call up wideout/emergency backup QB Frisman "Action" Jackson from the practice squad in light of this week's receiver shortage, Friz chose to wear number 19 on his jersey. Now, prior to Sunday, only two jersey numbers in Browns history belonged to one Brown and one Brown only. The first of these, number 14, was worn by Otto Graham early in the franchise's history and retired after Otto finished his career. (The other two retired numbers, 32 and 76, were worn by other players prior to the careers of Jim Brown and Lou Groza, respectively. Groza's 76, in fact, belonged to Marion Motley, who, you could argue, deserved to have it retired before Groza ever got his hands on it.) The other number that had only been worn by one Cleveland Brown, by some coincidence, was 19, which belonged, of course, to Bernie Kosar. For whatever reason, no one had ever worn it before Bernie, and no one has worn it since... until now. Frisman: make Bernie proud.

Play of the Week

Alex says: Jeff Garcia's touchdown scramble to tie the game with :34 left in the fourth quarter. The entirety of the New York Browns Backers, and likely all of Cleveland too, was on their feet screaming and giving each other manly high-fives for at least two minutes. My first high-five was solid, but I still feel slightly embarassed for the second. The connection was not solid. I was a good inch from completely missing the Browns fan's hand and smacking a stranger in the face. He gave me a funny look, but believe you me, I can high-five. But not as well as Corey, his high-fives sometimes hurt my hands.

Corey says: Yeah, the tying score is a fairly obvious choice, so it gets my vote, too. On a side note, one thing that frequently gets mentioned in football columns after a team ties the game with a last-second touchdown is that it's actually smarter to go for the two point conversion than to kick the extra point and send it to overtime. The chances of winning in overtime are, of course, 50%. But the league-average success rate on two point conversions is better than that. Technically, a coach gives his team a better chance of winning by going for two, even though there's a risk of losing without making it to overtime at all. No coach will ever do the smart thing, though, because, if the conversion failed, the criticism from fans and media would be extremely harsh. I didn't expect Butch to go for two after Garcia's TD run, but I wish he would have.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Aaron Shea. No Brown has eye-popping statistics, especially Shea. And I guess, my pick is a little of a cop-out because I'm giving it to Shea for this week and past performances. He is now 4th among TE's in DVOA in the NFL. His DPAR is not quite as good, but DPAR is a counting stat--and Shea has had notably less playing time this season due to Sgt. Kellen Winslow II being the opening day starter, and splitting time with Steve Heiden. Nevertheless, his struggle to gain a first down in overtime on 3rd down was magnificent.

Let me add, that Butch Davis is spineless. He refuses to try the 2-point coversion at the end of game, when we have momentum, and all we need is two and a half yards for a win. Also, in overtime he won't go for a 4th-and-2, instead electing to try to pin the Eagles. Well, on the very next play McNabb scrambles to get even better field position than if the Browns had taken a knee on 4th down. Not to mention that Davis has consistently chickened out in past games, kicking a field goal when down 17-0 in the 4th vs. the Giants, and 34-13 to the Steelers late in the 3rd (it was good and we never challenged for the lead again). Someone get Coach/GM/President/Mayor Davis some guts, please.

Corey says: Jeff Garcia. He didn't put up spectacular numbers, but he was throwing to Northcutt, Frisman Jackson, Shea and Heiden. And that was about it. He led long drives when we needed them, and he used his legs when he had to. To me, Garcia has appeared to get better each of the last 4 or 5 games.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

They're an explosive offense. They showed their explosion today--what they're capable of.

--Jeff Garcia. Using "explosion" that way strikes me as strange. I always feel a little guilty picking on Jeff Garcia for his mis-quotes, because he is one of the few players that is always interviewed after games.

Corey says:

Maybe we're not going to beat the Eagles, but we're definitely showing some other team exactly how to do it.

--Scott Blackburn, lifelong Browns fan and close friend of Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times. I'm cheating a little, because this quote was actually spoken during, not after, the game, when Scott and I were watching it with the Browns Backers of Chicago. At the time, the Eagles were poised to go up by a wide margin, so the idea that the Browns would send the game to overtime wasn't in our minds, but, since the Browns' offense was calling running plays almost exclusively, in which William Green and Lee Suggs were taking full advantage of the Philadelphia defense, we both agreed that some other lucky team was going to benefit greatly from the Browns-Eagles game film at some point down the road, when the Eagles finally do lose a game. I just pray that the lucky team isn't Pittsburgh in week 9.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: For the second consecutive week, Chad "Stadium" Mustard returned a kickoff for the Cleveland Browns. Shockingly, this was the third of his career. Last season, he returned a kick for 6 yards. For his career, Mustard averages 6.3 yards per return, not too shabby for a 6'8" monster- I mean, tight end.

Corey says: For once, I'm sad to say, our all-star special teams weren't all that special, mostly because of the two fumbled kickoffs. If they'd only managed to hold on to one of those, we'd have won the game! Anyway, I'll choose Phil Dawson's one field goal, for lack of anything better. The FG streak is still alive...

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Uh, Terelle Smith. While I don't give him complete credit for the Browns seemingly amazing turnaround in the running game. But he sure deserves some. The first fullback in new Browns history (Mike Sellers never existed), Smith appears to be opening up big holes for Green/Suggs.

Corey says: Frisman Jackson. He did fumble a crucial kickoff, but I'll cut him some slack because it was his first action of the year. He basically was forced to be the starter at wide receiver (opposite Dennis Northcutt), and he filled in admirably. The only thing missing was the obligatory trick play in which Frisman, a former QB with a rocket arm, throws a TD pass, preferably to Jeff Garcia in the corner of the endzone.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: The brown #82 "Heiden". The #82 surely brings back great memories of legendary Browns tight end Irv Smith, no wait, I mean Rickey Dudley. Oh yeah, Ozzie Newsome. Especially when Steve pranced into the endzone.

Corey says: For the first time, I choose a jersey that actually belongs to me: my brown #81 "Morgan", which I'm now officially banishing to the back of the closet. I bought it after Quincy's hail mary catch in Jacksonville in 2002, and went on to regret it until as recently as last week. Anyway, thanks for nothing, brown #81 jersey. You are now officially retired from my rotation.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: T.O. has B.O., nothing's simpler than that folks.

Corey says: Well, this is a no-brainer. Vandalism is not only wrong, it's against the law. I don't know what the law has to say about Terrell Owens' shameless act of vandalism, but I'm fairly certain he can be sent to jail for a minimum of 40 years for that kind of thing. For those of you who, like me, couldn't really read the sign in the split second it was on the screen before FOX made their decision not to replay the incident, it read "Takes one to know one" and had a picture of a rat. This is a reference to Owens' offseason remark about whether or not Jeff Garcia was gay: "If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, it probably is a rat". Not only did Owens call Garcia gay in not-so-subtle terms, he compared being gay to being a rat, which, I don't have to tell you, is a horrible thing to say or believe. Now on the one hand, since, in a roundabout way, the sign was accusing Owens himself of being gay (or being a rat, or both), I agree with the TV stations that it's offensive. But on the other hand, the fans who displayed the sign were sticking up for their star player in a big way, which is to be commended.

Next week: the Browns enjoy a bye, but there's no rest for "Born and Raised"! We'll replace "of the Week" with "of the First Seven Weeks". Stay tuned.

Should we as Indians fan root for the Boston Red Sox to win the World Series? For any other pseudo-rival of the Indians I would immediately say "hell no". But then again, the Red Sox have so many interesting connotations.

As Clevelanders we all know that we (not Buffalonians, or Philadelphians, and definitely not Chicagoans) have experienced the most heartbreak and tragedy in the sporting world. We are the most tortured fans in the United States of America. Boston Red Sox fans seem to believe that they are "cursed", and never fail to annoyingly mention that fact. Red Sox fans (along with Yankees and Michigan fans) are the most annoying and ill-informed in sports. If Boston does in fact win the 2004 World Series, then perhaps this complaining would cease.

If the complaining stops, would Red Sox fans also stop being annoying? Although I doubt that they would ever be able to live down their victory, the gloating would not nearly be as common as their whining now. In that sense then, a Red Sox victory would be good for the rest of the World (save St. Louis).

But, what if the complaining never stops? I have a suspicion New Englanders are conditioned to complain about sports for their entire lives. If the Red Sox are no longer a viable outlet for said complaining, would they move on the Celtics, or Patriots, or just continue to complain about how the Sox haven't won another World Series?

Personally, I am willing to take the risk of continued complaining, because it can't really get any worse. If the Red Sox lose, Boston fans will bitch louder and longer than ever before. The rest of the world needs the Red Sox to win, just for a change, at least. Also, people might realize then that Boston isn't nearly as "tortured" as they'd like everyone to believe, and it is in fact Cleveland which deserves copious amounts of media coverage.

I hope, however, that the Cleveland Indians, led by Travis Hafner and Eric Wedge, storm the field of Fenway Park tomorrow night and beat up both the Red Sox and the Cardinals. By default then, they must be the world champions. So, Indians fans, take heart, for our dream is not dead yet.

Well, as everyone likely knows now, the Browns traded Quinsanity to the Cowboys for Antonio Bryant. I believe I can speak for both Corey and I when I say, it's about damn time. Quincy had among the worst hands for a wide receiver, only Koren Robinson could outdo him. But now with Quincy gone, and Andre Davis has a sprained toe, and Bryant not nearly ready to get significant playing time, who will play WR against the Eagles?

Butch Davis announced just yesterday that Dennis Northcutt and Andre King will start on Sunday. I like Dennis Northcutt, but the only reason Andre King has a job in the NFL, much less a starting job, is that he played college football at (big shocker) the University of Miami under Butch Davis!

While I find King to be a hilarious self-promoter; he is due nothing more than garbage time minutes in the NFL. While only in his fourth year, King will actually turn 31 in November (he played minor league baseball before college). That makes King younger than only Robert Griffith, Earl Little, Orpheus Roye, Ross Verba, and Jeff Garcia among active players.

In more uplifting news, in light of this dearth of receivers, the Browns activiated WR/QB/awesome-name Frisman Jackson! Hopefully we will run 5-10 end-around hail mary passes with Jackson per game for the rest of the season. Oh, and Sean Jones, 2nd round draft pick of the Browns this year, will soon be on the IR just like 1st round pick Kellen Winslow. Now that's some great luck.

It was a shockingly refreshing game for the Browns, who now stand at 3-0 on the year at Cleveland Browns Stadium. The last time the Browns were three games over .500 at home at any point in a season was after Week 10 of the 1994 season, when Bill Belichick led the Browns to victory over the Patiots, 13-6. However, what I garnered from the gane this week was not anything related to our team, instead I wonder: How bad are the Bengals?

If only Jeff Garcia and Lee Suggs didn't combine to give Cincinnati four gift turnovers they didn't earn in the slightest, I would have said that the Bengals' performance was among the worst I have seen from professionals. They couldn't run; they couldn't pass; they couldn't stop William Green; they couldn't cover our receivers. For God's sake, they made the Browns' offensive line look good. The fact that the Bengals made me use the words "Browns' offensive line" and "good" in the same sentence speaks volumes.

Therefore, I am trying to not become too excited over this win. I'm just looking forward to the game of the century: Week 16, with playoff spots on the line, Browns vs. Dolphins on Sunday Night Football!! (Way to go ESPN!)

In other news, Corey and I have changed the tired running joke of "Pontbriand Moment of the Week" to the "Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week", thus affording a mention to the greatest long-snapper in the NFL and allowing us to write on meaningingful non-Pontbriandian special teams plays.

Play of the Week

Alex says: While Aaron Shea's touchdown to end the first half was very exciting (albeit unneccessarily due to extremely, extremely imbecilic clock management), Andre Davis' 99-yard catch was fantastic and set the stage for future ass kickings later in the game.

Corey says: I agree; of course it's Andre's 99-yard touchdown reception. Rarely do you get to see a player (in any sport) set or tie a record that, by its own nature, can never be broken. Travis Hafner, for example, may someday hit the longest home run in major league history, but he'd have no guarantee that his record would stand. Andre Davis, however, is now forever immortalized as the holder of a minor NFL record (along with 9 other guys, cough cough). Immortalized, that is, until 2039, when the playing field is elongated to 160 yards for all games played on the moon.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Jeff Garcia's numbers seem gaudy, outside of the three turnovers, but that is due to two fantastic runs after catches by Andre and Lee. Plus I can't overlook three stupid turnovers. The only player (besides Corey's selection) who was consistently productive was William Green. I am a fan of Suggs, but I also love Willie, and think they can perform very well together. Does anyone run "harder" than Green? He always appears to be pushing for an extra yard once he is wrapped up. If only he wasn't such a nutcase.

Running back is likely the most physically demanding position in all of professional sports (in the USA, at least); that's why Earl Campbell can barely walk, can't climb stairs, and appears to be a senior citizen only at 48. Let's hope that by splitting time in the backfield, both Lee and William can stave off possibly tragic injuries.

Corey says: This week, I'm naming a defensive player who did not record a single tackle: Anthony Henry. You heard about Chad Johnson's little joke earlier this week; essentially he predicted a huge day for himself. So I decided to keep a list of every ball that was thrown Johnson's way yesterday. The Bengals threw to him 9 times, and here's what happened:

• With 13:53 left in the 1st quarter, Anthony Henry breaks up Carson Palmer's pass, intended for Chad Johnson, bringing up 4th down.
• With 14:45 left in the 2nd quarter, Johnson catches a pass for 13 yards and is run out of bounds.
• With 8:18 left in the 2nd quarter, Johnson catches a pass for 6 yards and is tackled by Chaun Thompson.
• With 12:38 left in the 3rd quarter, Johnson drops Palmer's pass, in the face of Anthony Henry's coverage, bringing up 4th down.
• With 10:02 left in the 3rd quarter, Palmer throws a 50-yard bomb towards Johnson, who fights with Anthony Henry for the ball. Henry comes up with the interception.
• With 4:13 left in the 3rd quarter, Johnson drops Palmer's pass, in the face of Anthony Henry's coverage, bringing up 4th down.
• With 0:48 left in the 3rd quarter, Johnson catches a pass for 18 yards and is run out of bounds.
• With 14:34 left in the 4th quarter, Anthony Henry swats away Palmer's pass, intended for Johnson (which is almost intercepted by Earl Little), bringing up 4th down.
• With 2:04 left in the 4th quarter, Earl Little deflects Palmer's pass, intended for Johnson, which, again, is almost picked off.

Johnson finished with 3 catches for 37 yards, but his repeated failure to catch balls on 3rd down really hurt the Bengals. All in all, I'd say he had a pretty dreadful day. The whole Browns secondary did a fantastic job (for once) in keeping Johnson quiet, but, as you can see from the list above, it was Anthony Henry who played the biggest part. So it is that he's my Player of the Week despite having recorded no tackles. Meanwhile, Chad Johnson, if you're reading this, I would be happy to recommend any number of fine non-prescription remedies for the sickness you so obviously have.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

Someone said, I think, it's the first time the Browns have been 3 and 0 [at home] since like '73, or something. So, that's cool.

--Butch Davis. Cool indeed. Too bad it's pretty likely we'll be 3-1 after next week. But let's enjoy this win for now.

Corey says:

I'm sure there's going to be some comparable situations, come the closer we get to the winter time here, as far as the winds here, that take place in this field, as to what I had back in San Francisco.

--Jeff Garcia, discussing the wind yesterday. Picking on a tired, confused football player for a poorly worded thought (or thought that goes nowhere) in a postgame press conference is a cop-out, on my part, for this particular category. It's too easy -- easier than finding an actual intelligent quote in a football press conference, anyway. But I'm lazy like that, so there you go.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: The second of Phil Dawson's two touchbacks. While Dawson has been a consistent field goal kicker during his career (especially now), he has been notably weak when it comes to kickoffs. Rarely have I seen him boot one past the 5-yard line, much less into the end zone. But on this chilly afternoon, he managed to have two kickoffs land squarely within the endzone. There are three interpretations of these events:

1. Phil Dawson benefitted from very strong winds. While this explanation makes sense, it's a loser cop-out answer, and doesn't probe the deeper important issues.
2. Phil Dawson is taking illegal steroids. This is right out. Because, as we all know, Phil Dawson, like all of the Cleveland Browns, is a man of character.
3. Phil Dawson is improving at a never-before-seen rate. By the end of the 2006 season he'll be out of football because when he attempts to kick a field goal the ball will simply explode on contact.

Corey says: I'm not sure exactly what has to happen for Chad Mustard to end up returning a kickoff, but it happened yesterday. It wasn't a particularly good return, but any time our favorite backup tight end/condiment gets his hands on the ball is a good time, as far as I'm concerned. Besides, our all-star punting team didn't get much playing time, thanks to the offense either scoring or turning the ball over. DeFrost didnt attempt a single punt in the whole first half!

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Aaron Shea. His touchdown catch was a saving grace to Butch Davis' ineptitude, and also very skilled. But Shea's absolute demolishing of #22 Kim Herring on a run after a catch in the 1st quarter evoked every symbol of the Browns' dominance over the Bengals possible--truly, a beautiful moment.

Corey says: Enoch Demar, for surviving a whole game as Paul Zukauskas' replacement without letting a single Bengal lineman lay a finger on Jeff Garcia or William Green. Well, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but it was truly an impressive day for the Browns' O-line. The achievement belongs more to the entire group than any single guy, but Demar's the most obscure of the bunch, and, we might think, the weakest link. Since they say an offensive line is only as strong as its weakest link, I think high praise is in order for young Enoch. By the way, the official stats do show that Garcia was sacked once (by Kevin Hardy), but it was only because Jeff ran out of bounds. He could have just thrown it away. Either way, it wasn't a real sack.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: #87 "ANDRE DAVIS". It looked pretty good flapping in the wind on his way to an NFL-record reception TD. Now, if only the Browns sold Andra's jersey in their team shop along with Andre's...

Corey says: How about a classic #43 "M. PRUITT"? It was Legends Week this week, meaning the Browns inducted several new members into their Legends Club, which is what we have instead of a ring of honor circling the field. The new Legends, Mike Pruitt among them, went out for the coin toss at yesterday's game. Now I don't mean to suggest I was alive to witness it, but the days when the 2 Pruitts were the best 2-headed rushing attack in the NFL were even awesomer than the Era of the 2 Andre Davises, recently begun though it may be. In fact, the Browns' history is packed with many of the all-time great 2-headed rushing attacks... Brown & Green; Pruitt & Pruitt; Mack & Byner... maybe Green & Suggs will work out after all.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: The Bengals' defensive line. Didn't they have about 50 offsides penalties? Continually they tried to get a head start to sack Garcia, but no one was going to let that happen. I'll concede though, that when you are as bad as the Bengals are, you probably should cheat at every oppurtunity possible. I wouldn't be surprised if Marvin Lewis told his team to secretly cheat and hope the officials didn't notice.

Corey says: Well, the Bengal I dislike the most is Chad Johnson, but his wilted performace yesterday was hardly resent-worthy enough for this category. After him, though, there are no Bengals about which I have opinions of any kind. That's how little I care about the so-called "rivalry" with the Bengals. People in Cincinnati take us more seriously than we take them; if only they knew. That said, my Cheater of the Week, by default, even though it's his bye week, is Ray Lewis. The bastard.

The Cavs' preseason has started, and while I haven't seen any of the action so far, I did notice that new Cav Drew Gooden has chosen to wear jersey number 90. He couldn't have number 0, which he wore in Kansas, Memphis, and Orlando, because of Jeff McInnis. But he could have had number 9, which he wore for part of his time in Orlando. Now, I've always thought that jersey numbers higher than 55 weren't allowed in the NBA because the officials would need extra fingers to convey them to the scorer's table after fouls and such. In fact, I checked, and no player in Cavaliers history has ever worn a number higher than 55. Only 24 players in Cavs history have ever worn numbers in the 50's at all:

• Mel Bennett, #52, 3 games in '81-'82
• Kent Benson, #54, 2 games in '87-'88
• Brad Branson, #52, 10 games in '81-'82
• Jim Brewer, #52, 462 games between '73 and '79
• Chucky Brown, #52, 175 games in two stints, '89-'92 and '00-'01
• Len Chappell, #50, 6 games in '70-'71
• Bimbo Coles, #50 (also wore #12), 115 games between '00 and '03
• Andrew DeClercq, #55, 115 games between '98 and '00
• DeSagana Diop, #52, 154 games since '01
• Michael Doleac, #51, 42 games in '01-'02
• John Garris, #54, 33 games in '83-'84
• Jay Guidinger, #54, 64 games between '92 and '94
• Sam Lacy, #52, 60 games in '82-'83
• Bill Laimbeer, #52 (also wore #41), 131 games between '80 and '82
• Lee Nailon, #54, 22 games in '03-'04
• Steve Patterson, #50, 298 games between '71 and '76
• Ben Poquette, #50, 248 games between '83 and '87
• Vitaly Potapenko, #52, 177 games between '96 and '99
• Bill Robinzine, #50, 8 games in '80-'81
• "Tractor" Traylor, #54 (also wore #32), 70 games in '00-'01
• Mel Turpin, #54, 223 games between '84 and '87
• Gary Voce, #54, 1 game in '89-'90
• Jerome Whitehead, #52, 3 games in '80-'81
• Eric Williams, #55, 50 games in '03-'04

I think the most interesting thing about that list is that, in the team's entire history, only one guy has ever worn #51, only two guys have ever worn #55, and no one has ever worn #53. They almost all wore 52 and 54.

Numbers lower than 50, but whose last digit is higher than 5 (that is, other numbers not conveyable to the scorer's table using hand signals), seem to be more of a gray area. They're not very common, sure, but in Cavalier history, at least, they do occur. Number 47, for example, has been worn by a few different guys. And Gooden himself wore #9 in Orlando. Come to think of it, a lot of NBA players wear numbers between 5 and 10, like Kobe Bryant, Tony Parker, and so on. How do the officials convey that to the scorer's table?

Anyway, as much as I really, really want to see Drew Gooden wearing #90 for the rest of his career as a Cavalier, I have a feeling it's just for the preseason, or something. Still... why would they let him wear it now?

And if somehow they do let him wear #90 for a whole season, he would likely become the greatest Cleveland athlete ever to wear the number. Right now, his main competition would be former Browns defensive lineman Rob Burnett ('90-'95). No one else even comes close. Trust me; after Burnett, you're in Keith McKenzie territory.

[Edit: After I wrote this, I found an article by Sam Smith of the Chicago Tribune containing the snippet: "Cleveland's Jeff McInnis asked for $25,000 to give Drew Gooden No. 0, so Gooden will wear 90, a combination of his two NBA numbers." That seems to indicate that #90 is here to stay! Furthermore, the very same article reminded me that Dennis Rodman used to wear #91, which, this year, will be worn by Ron Artest in Indiana. I guess numbers that high are allowed after all. Then why does nobody wear them? Also, the article contains the snippet: "The favorite off-season pursuit of the Cavaliers' LeBron James' is flag football, and he regularly outfits friends with equipment at the field outside his mansion." That's cool. I'll store it in my memory banks, right alongside "LeBron's favorite cereal is Fruity Pebbles" and "LeBron's favorite TV Show is The Simpsons (and his favorite characters are Patty and Selma)".]

Please disregard all negatively connotated news concerning the Cleveland Browns from this week. Nevermind that Chad Johnson guarantees to humiliate the Browns defensive backs. Or that Butch Davis is beng mentioned as a coach "on the hot seat" (rightfully so, might I add) and may be fired following the season.

But especially disegard the fact that Jeff Garcia, in response to Coach Davis' comment that he appeared "skittish" against the Steelers, said:

Until [Butch Davis] plays the quarterback position, then he can understand where I am coming from.

Fantastic. The season already seems like a disaster. While Garcia hasn't been impressive so far, it's really not his fault. First of all, the Browns' offensive line is absolutely atrocious. According to Football Outsiders, Garcia has a PAR of -.3, but a defense-adjusted PAR of 7.7. While everyone thought the Browns' schedule would be a cakewalk before the season, instead we have faced the 5th toughest schedule so far, and remain to pace to have the 5th toughest schedule for the rest of the year.

Not only have the opponents been skilled, but their strength has been team defense. Four of the five are currently within the top 10 in Team Defense ranked by DVOA by the Football Outsiders. While no one can be impressed with the Browns offense and still claim to have sanity, keep in mind that the Browns offense has faced perhaps the toughest test of any NFL team so far.

From the news yesterday: all four starters in the Browns secondary recieved FedEx packages with a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a handwritten note from Bengals wideout Chad Johnson. The notes read "Daylon [for example], Just wanted to add a little color and relief to your week. All the best, Chad."

I guess the implication is that Chad is going to give such an amazing performance on Sunday that the Browns defensive backs are going to be sick to their stomachs. I understand the joke, but honestly, I question whether or not stomach sickness is the best angle for something like this. It just seems a little random, that's all. What aspect of failing to cover Chad Johnson would give someone stomach sickness? Why didn't he send them bottles of Gatorade (or better yet, LeBron-flavored Powerade), or some deodorant, or some sweat towels or something, the implication there being that they're going to be so tired from chasing him all day?

Ah, but Chad Johnson has a charity endorsement deal with Pepto Bismol, I learn. For every touchdown he scores in the month of October, the Bismol people will donate money to a breast cancer charity. So Chad gets a few points for trying.

Of course, the bigger issue here is that Johnson is predicting a great game for himself this weekend. What people may not realize, though, is that Chad Johnson is currently tied for the worst all-time success rate when predicting things against the Browns. Consider his predictions to date:

• November 14, 2002: Johnson guarantees a victory against the Browns. The Browns prevail, 27-20.

Add it all up, and you'll clearly see that the man has a career .000 percentage of success in Browns-related predictions, good for the worst such mark all-time among all people and entites who have ever existed on Earth or anywhere else. With a track record like that, I think it's safe to say that this Sunday, Daylon, Anthony, Earl and Robert will have no trouble in holding Johnson to -- at the very least -- negative yardage.

This is sort of off-topic, but notable. With the long-overdue firing of Larry Bowa now complete, the Phillies are looking for a new manager. Apparently, they're thinking of upgrading "consultant" Charlie Manuel from Jim Thome's personal valet to manager. Charlie's kinda like, y'know, excited about the possibility, but at the same time, y'know, it's kinda like, there's a lot of good candidates out there. Interestingly, two of their other top choices are Grady Little and Buddy Bell. What is this, an Indians fetish?

I'm going to dispense with a long intro this week. The Browns lost, and there's simply not a lot to say about it, short of recapping the action. For the first time this year, the defense played worse than the offense. Not that the offense played terribly well. Jeff Garcia gave, in my opinion, a fine performance, given that he was forced to improvise on almost every passing down because the O-line fell to pieces. But Jeff made the best of it and ended up completing passes on the go, as well as running for a number of first downs himself. In fact, he was the Browns' leading rusher on the afternoon, with a yards-per-carry average that now makes him #2 all-time among "new" Browns, behind only Phil Dawson (who's carried twice for 18 yards in his career). Perhaps the biggest story of the game was the showdown between legendary punters Chris Gardocki and Derrick Frost. Both punted well, and while Gardocki's average was a little higher (thanks entirely to Dennis Northcutt's boneheaded decision not to fair catch one punt), DeFrost had the better day. The highlight of the day, for me, was spending my first Sunday with the Browns Backers of Chicago, where they regularly get crowds of more than 150 Browns fans.

Play of the Week

Alex says: Nothing warmed my heart on that chilly fall afternoon like Jeff Garcia's interpretation of Hans Moleman's "Man Getting Hit in Groin by Football," however the play of the week was really the Browns' stop of Jerome Bettis on 4th and 1 with a tackle by the incomparable Andra Davis. Nobody runs on the Browns defense! What, the Steelers were 7/11 on 3rd down prior to that play? Who cares! They were 0/1 on 4th down baby, oh yeah!

Corey says: While in truth I have to agree that nothing could possibly top "man getting hit in groin by football", for variety's sake I'm going in a different direction by picking an actual Browns play that was successful, no offense to Moleman or his classic film. I choose the flea flicker. It was between that and Andre Davis' 50-yard reception to set up the touchdown in the 4th quarter. But a flea flicker is such an exciting play; I wish the Browns would run it more often. Plus, when it happened, the game was still close, so the excitement was greater.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Phil Dawson. Once again, Phil was perfect on the afternoon. I would have liked to have perhaps given this honor to someone who either set up or scored touchdowns consistently, but no one on the Browns does that.

Corey says: I disagree. I name Andre Davis, who finished the day with a hundred yards receiving and most of the Browns' biggest catches. Suggs, Green, and Garcia all had decent games but Andre was the only one who turned in a great performance.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

We continue to have some issues in getting touchdowns inside the redzone--getting in there and having to settle for a lot of field goals. We've got to be able to effectively get the ball in the endzone and score touchdowns.

--Butch Davis. I never used to listen to any postgame interviews about Browns games, but now, writing Born and Raised, I've come to learn a few things about Butch Davis. He is a master of deflecting blame. During his post-game interview he makes it seem like the players just didn't know how to play properly, but he never hints that perhaps the coaching was at fault. Earth to Butch: if it's 3rd-and-10, how about some receivers run routes past the first down line?! I am completely fed up with the Browns consisently shortening their own field and not taking any chances long. Only twice during the entire game did the Browns go long, and both came when the team was in desperation-mode: one was completed to Andre Davis and led to a touchdown. The other was incomplete, so no real harm done. Why not open it up more? It's not like the running game or passing game is doing anything at all! Argh.

Corey says:

This team does not like to be in the hole. That's just the kind of team we are right now. We're a team right now that takes hold of the reins and runs with it like some other teams. I guarantee you, we'll be in a position to be in the playoffs this year. That's just how we do it, especially with this team.

--Ross Verba. That's quite a guarantee, Mr. Verba. Of course, being "in a position to make the playoffs" can mean so many things. Maybe he meant that, four games from now, the Browns will be in a position to run the table, salvaging a 2-7 start and turning it into a 9-7 finish? And when Ross says that the Browns "take the reins and run with it like some other teams", ignoring, for the moment, his mixed metaphor, what other teams do you think he means?

Pontbriand Moment of the Week

Alex says: His snap to Frosty on the first punt of the game. I assume that no one else noticed, but I doubt any Steelers got over the line of scrimmage before Frost kicked it. It was incredible. Before anyone could realize it, Pontbriand had snapped the ball, and in an instant, it was gone.

Corey says: The snap on Dawson's second field goal. Why not, all the snaps are the same: perfect. This joke is really getting old.

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Eric Westmoreland. Corey says my choices haven't been obscure enough, eh? Well, Westmoreland is so obscure he didn't even play in the game this week! Plus, his middle name is Lebron. No joke. That is the coolest middle name ever.

Corey says: Leigh Bodden, who now becomes our first ever two-time selection as Obscure Brown of the Week. Leigh must be the best damn gunner (on punts) in the entire NFL. Watch him sometime; he always gets downfield, unblocked, ahead of the ball. Bucth Davis has been telling us for years that the Browns special teams were really, really good -- not necessarily on returning kicks, but on covering against returns. I'm finally starting to agree. (DVOA thinks highly of the Browns special teams, too. Through the first 4 weeks of the season, in spite of being fifth-worst at returning kickoffs (no thanks to Dee Brown), overall they're the 4th-best special teams unit, mainly due to being #1 in the NFL in punting/covering punt returns. Look here.) Hopefully, I didn't just jinx them for next week.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: While Leigh Bodden did play well against the Steelers (and all other teams so far), I say his style is what really sets him apart. While generally I prefer cornrows that are neat and short, Leigh's are getting almost ridiculously long. They hang out of his helmet. I assume they're 'rows instead of dreadlocks because they are so thin. Hopefully, Leigh won't cut his hair until he's even outdone Mike McKenzie.

Corey says: Just this morning on a rerun of VH1's "The Surreal Life" I saw rapper Flavor Flav wearing a white, #67 Browns jersey. Immediately, I thought "I wonder why he picked #67, surely it's not because he's wearing a Melvin Fowler jersey". And yet, as soon as he turned around, there it was: "Fowler". Thanks, Flavor Flav, for bringing obscure Browns to a national TV audience. You've inspired my Fashion of the Week!

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: I'll have to say CBS, for cheating me out of an enjoyable viewing experience. I think the proudction assistants for NFL games have gone wacky on trying to add more entertainment to the game. I would in fact be much happier if Gus Johnson would just say what happened instead of adding about 15 adjectives for every noun. But most annoying, here are some "keys to game" from throughout the broadcast for either team:

• "Ride the Duce coupe"
• "Get Big Ben wound up"
• "Sugg it to them"
• "Ben but don't break"
• "Duce's wild"
• "'Suggs' the defense"
• "CLE: Must roll 7's instead of 3's"
• "PIT: Must mug Suggs"
• "Ward-ing off the competition"

Corey says: Alex is going to kill me for saying this about his idol, but I choose Chris Gardocki, for cheating destiny by not having one of his punts blocked yesterday. What little press Chris has receieved throughout his career has centered around the amazing fact that he's never had a punt blocked, and already holds the record for most consecutive punts without a block. Anyway, I was all geared up for that streak to come to an end the very first time Gardocki's Steelers met his former team, but it was not to be. The bastard decided to wait until the next time he faces Cleveland. I guess he wants it to happen in front of a roaring Dawg Pound, while a stream of tears rolls down his face as he contemplates his extreme misfortune at not having been re-signed by the Browns and the extreme hell his life has become since, in a raging fit of spite, he agreed to join the dark side and play for Pittsburgh.

Alex says: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Corey pretty much stuck with the basic awards, and I agree with him on all of them; except that I'd probably have Jhonny be minor-league player of the year. Sadly the Indians are not in the play-offs, and I'm forced to root for everyone else to lose (which is unlikely, though). Anyways, since the standard awards are covered, I'll concoct some good ones.

Statistic of the Year

Jason Davis had a line of .200/.800/1.000 this year. That's a .800 ISO--his power is unheard of! Hopefully, Wedge will recognize this talent next year and give him a few more at-bats.

Transaction of the Year

July 15, 2004 - Sent outright pitcher Jose Jimenez to Buffalo of the International League (AAA). While I am very happy about Josh Phelps and am excited for him in the future, nothing did more to kickstart the Tribe's push for the division lead than to fix some awful bullpen problems, like Jimenez. While Scott Stewart likely sucked more, Jiminez was allowed to suck longer, and in more important situations.

Style of the Year

Need I say more?

Concession of the Year

For the tenth-consecutive year: grilled hot dogs at the Jake! There are three stands I know of (at least on the lower level): left field, third base, and right field. And they are great, albeit overpriced. For the first time in a while the dogs faced competition for the award from newcomer Johnny Applestix, but in the end, the magical mixture of grilled beef and stadium mustard will never lose. Man, I'm hungry now.

Best Team Shop Item of the Year

A $50 game-worn #4 Luis Isaac jersey. Unfortunately, some jerk right in front of me grabbed it before I could, so I had to settle for the #87 Dave Keller (for those who don't know, and you should, Dave Keller was a past bullpen catcher, but he was a lefty! He was awesome). But, my credit card was declined anyway, so I wouldn't have been able to buy the Isaac jersey. The next time I returned to the shop, the game-worn jersey prices had skyrocketed from $50 to $300.

Fan of the Year

John Adams. All who disagree don't understand the Indians. If Slider were a fan instead of a team employee, he might've shared the award. But John Adams doesn't even get paid to drum, that's dedication.

I had to work up a lot of strength to be momentarily interested in baseball again. (Don't take that the wrong way, baseball; you're still my favorite sport.) But the season is now officially over -- as opposed to "in effect" over, which was about 6 weeks ago. All told, it was a positive season. I don't need to summarize, though. I'm here to pass judgment.

Hitter of the Year

Travis Hafner. 5th among American League hitters in VORP (6th if you include pitchers, no thanks to Johan Santana); 3rd in on-base and 4th in slugging (good for 2nd in OPS); 1st (!) in the AL in equivalent average. I don't have to put his numbers in a league-wide context, of course, because the mere fact that he led the team in every offensive stat that matters makes him an easy choice for this particular award. .311/.410/.583. Next.

Pitcher of the Year

Jake Westbrook, in a landslide. The Indians pitching staff was not so hot in 2004 -- and no, it wasn't just the early struggles of the bullpen -- but Jake Westbrook, in the surprise of the decade, had an amazing year. 4th among American League pitchers in VORP; 3rd in ERA; 9th in innings pitched; 12th in DIPS average. Who saw this coming?

Rookie of the Year

On a team of up-and-coming youngsters, many of whom had breakout years, how is it that none were rookies? Seriously, I don't like the choices for this award. Grady Sizemore didn't exactly have the debut we hoped for. Kaz Tadano was... acceptable, I guess. I suppose I'll go with Kyle Denney for... oh, you know why.

Game of the Year

Like Barry Bonds in a sea of so-called NL MVP "candidates", the Indians' 22-0 demolition of the Yankees on August 29 towers over several extremely qualified other choices for this award. Since the game took place a few weeks after the Tribe's fall from grace, I consider myself lucky to have watched it, by chance, albeit with the sound off, while a roomful of people around me were watching reruns of Lennie & Jack. That the Indians lost the other two games in the series is telling, of course, but not a detail anyone will remember 2, 10, or 50 years from now.

Manager of the Year

After much deliberation, I'm going with Eric Wedge. He's optimistic and well-liked, and he's shown good range with the facial hair.

C.C. Hat of the Year

2004 was a year of great expansion for the C.C. Hat, though not all of the players who wore their hats akilter in Spring Training were still wearing them that way by season's end (ahem, Jason Davis). The celebrated trio of C.C. Sabathia, Coco Crisp, and Brandon Phillips, of course, led the way, even though Phillips spent the year in the minors. In the end, I'm giving the award to Coco Crisp, because his hat angle increased the most between '03 and '04. C.C.'s didn't change much from last year because it was already about as far to the side as it could be.

Minor Leaguer of the Year

Ryan Garko. I know you want me to go with Michael Aubrey, but we all expected him to put up great numbers; Garko, on the other hand, was fairly unknown at this time last year. Franklin Gutierrez, while a nice pickup, had a disappointing season, as did Grady Sizemore. Jhonny Peralta would make a nice recipient for this award, except, after spending most of '03 in the majors, he was a step ahead of his competition in AAA.

And that's all I got, for today. I'd hoped Alex would do his own Indians awards, but now I have a feeling his choices will mostly be the same as mine. Maybe he can come up with different awards to give out, like "Ted Danson Look-alike of the Year". That's for Alex to decide.

Well, LeBron is a father. I'm not sure what to say. On the one hand, I'm struggling to come up with jokes about how some day, the baby is going to grow up to be a deity, too, etc. On the other hand, LeBron is very young and this is pretty unexpected, I think, for most of the public. Anyway, we here at the 'Stake are nothing if not thorough, so here is an exhaustive list of suggestions for what to name the bouncing baby boy:

• LeBron Jr.
• Lebronder
• King
• Prince
• LeLeBron
• Nike
• Sprite
• LeBron²
• JaBron
• James
• James Bond
• Bronald
• Cleveland
• LeBrontosaurus
• C-Span
• LeC-Span
• Zydrunas
• The Bron
• Moondog
• Juan Bron
• Jesus
• Corey

I think these pretty much represent all the good choices. Since LeBron probably reads this blog every morning, it's only a matter of time. The good money's on "Nike".

The calendars have rolled to October, and I believe it it nigh time for a new poll. For those of you whom haven't been voting everyday to check on the results (shame on you), let us recap whom our readers believe to be the most valuable of the new Browns.

• 58% - Chris Gardocki (65 votes)
• 25% - Tim Couch (28 votes)
• 8% - Kevin Johnson (9 votes)
• 8% - Jamir Miller (7 votes)
• 2% - William Green (2 votes)

First of all, I am (and have been) upset that at least Phil Dawson wasn't on the list. Oh well, we can assume though that Dawson would've taken a sizable chunk of votes from likely Gardocki and Couch. Personally, I would vote for Gardocki over Dawson any time considering that Dawson has only been that good in the past two seasons while Chris has maintained Hall of Fame quality since birth. I have never liked Tim Couch, but I understand some people at one time did in fact think he was productive; plus he was the Browns' only notable player for a long time... so, yeah. By the way, where did the two votes for William Green come from? Seriously.

I am elated to know that the readers of the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times are of a higher intelligence than the average fan, and consider Chris Gardocki to have been the greatest of the new Browns. I think the fact that Chris Gardocki kicks ass over all else is self-evident, but it should still probably be included in the Constitution.

The new poll asks of your favorite play-by-play in today's Cleveland announcing scene. Perhaps next month we'll cover color analysts, but for now it's only play-by-play. I don't know for whom I shall vote, there are multiple good choices. Perhaps I'll rotate each day between my favorites. Oh yeah, you can vote once a day, so vote early and often. We here at the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times love inflated results to make it appear as if our importance is greater than in reality.

Wow, the Browns didn't actually suck this week. I'm not even being ironic, for the first time this season (and likely including last season as well), there were no glaring errors for which I'll castigate the Browns coaches and players. However, this is not to say that the Browns were flawless. Hopefully, we all know that the offensive line still isn't too impressive, and so forth.

Sitting amongst my brethren at Blondie's here in New York, I watched as Lee Suggs suprised no one (except me) and really was that good. I now apologize for my previous comments on the Suggernaut, he is fantastic--but let's not go crazy, people. With the Browns sitting at 2-2, one game behind next week's opponent--the hated Pittsburgh S*******--the season is no longer the worst ever, as we liked to think after last week. Our march to 14-2 has begun. Also, allow me to say that the Browns Backers is the world's greatest organization.

Now as I review the notes I recorded on a Blondie's napkin before I lost my pen in the fourth quarter I am reminded of the jackass sitting behind me. He had positioned his chair in the aisle, for no readily conceivable reason, such that anytime a waiter or patron attempted to pass between us, I would nearly be bowled off my stool. Plus, he was a Steelers fan. If you're reading this whoever you are, you really suck.

Play of the Week

Alex says: Clinton Portis' fumble, caused by Michael Myers and recovered by the incomparable Andra Davis at the start of the 4th quarter. This play gave us fantastic field position and allowed the Browns to quickly score a touchdown to tie the game at 10-10. While the Redskins weren't very good on offense all day, this still swung the momentum greatly.

Corey says: I, uh, didn't exactly get to watch or even listen to this week's game. I was at Soldier Field, watching the Philadelphia Eagles kick around the Chicago Bears. What can I say? I promise not to miss another Browns game, so long as I live. So, everyone I know, don't get married on a Sunday. Anyway, I know this is really cheap of me, but from the highlights, I'll say that the Play of the Week was Aaron Shea's touchdown, the last few yards of which were particularly impressive.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Anyone who doesn't think the Suggernaut is the player of the week is crazy. His statistics aren't eye-popping, but then again he didn't get much garbage-time runs to pad his stats like some "great" running backs do (*cough* Jamal Lewis). His first carry of the day, a 25-yard off left tackle, was thoroughly exciting, especially considering how crappy the offense had been up to that point, not just this game but all season.

Corey says: Okay, then. Suggernaut it is.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

It wasn't as pretty as maybe you would like, but, it still goes in the left-hand column. And that's kind of what NFL football is about. It's winning football games. I was proud of our football team.

--Butch Davis. When writing about the National Football League, I always make sure to look at which football players are making the biggest contributions to winning football games. My game ball would go to Jeff Garcia. He was spreading the football around, with so many talented football players on this football team, you've got to be able to pass the football. What a tremendous football game put together by a remarkably talented football group of football players.

Corey says:

It was like running into a brick wall. They were literally calling our plays and hitting the gap before us.

--Clinton Portis. If the Browns were "literally" calling the Redskins plays, why didn't they call for Mark Brunell to run back into his own endzone and fumble on every snap? Oh, that's right, because athletes are dumb and don't know what "literally" means.

Pontbriand Moment of the Week

Alex says: Ryan's snap to holder/running back Derrick Frost on our failed fake field goal. The reason this play failed is in no part due to Pontbriand. His perfect, angelic snap was exactly as it would have been had the play been a regular field goal. This awesome fake of a snap tricked the Washington defense to allow Frosty to gain 1 yard, instead of being stuffed for a loss like he should have been.

Corey says: They don't exactly show you the Pontbriand moments in the NFL Films highlights. So I'll give this joke a rest for one week. I would like to say one thing about Derrick Frost: he's certainly done a lot in the first four weeks of his career. I'm liking him more and more every week.

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Kevin Bentley. Bentley forced Laveranues Coles' fumble to effectively end the game. Washington had no chance once they lost the ball. Did you know Kevin's middle name is "Kinte"? That's kah-razy!

Corey says: Alex, that's another choice of borderline obscurity. Next week, you better have someone really obscure up your sleeve. My choice goes to Tyrone Rogers, for lack of a better reason, because he led Browns defensive linemen in tackles. I have a feeling that a lot of Browns fans don't even realize he's back on the team; we picked him up at the end of the preseason when it didn't work out for him in Green Bay. Then again, I have a feeling there are a lot of fans who didn't even realize (or care) he was gone in the first place.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: The brown #51 Chaun Thompson. I don't know why, but his jersey makes Chaun look like an actual live, talented linebacker. It's some kind of optical illusion.

Corey says: Allow me one brief rant related to the game I did attend. Bears fans do not wear (or buy) jerseys. There were more Eagles jerseys at Soldier Field yesterday than there were Bears. And the variety among Bears jerseys in circulation is pathetic. 85% are Urlacher; 10% are Walter Payton; 5% are Anthony Thomas. Maybe 1% here and there are Rex Grossman jerseys, but honestly I didn't see any. And that's it. No obscure players. No creative slogans. It really made me appreciate how devoted, intelligent, and creative we Browns fans are. My Jersey of the Week is one that belongs to a friend of mine: a brown #99 that doesn't say "Roye"; it says "Orpheus". See, that's just plain cool.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: James Thrash, who in trying to separate our beloved Dee Brown's head from his body received a personal foul. But this is not enough! I will not sit here idly while untalented, insanely jealous wanna-be Cleveland Browns take cheap shots at our players. So, from now on, I call on all of you, our faithful Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times readers to boycott all James Thrash merchandise. Now, I know this may be hard, personally I love James Thrash Homestyle Barbecue Sauce™, but I will abstain. Such is my devotion.

Corey says: Eh. How about Laveranues Coles, for cheating of an orthographic nature? I got nothing. Tune in next week, for our extra special Browns-Steelers coverage. Satisfaction guaranteed!

Spurred by today's earth-shattering announcement, plus the fact that the Cavaliers' training camp opening on Monday afternoon at Gund Arena, let's review this off-season:

• 6/23 - Acquire Aleksander Pavlovic for a future 1st round draft pick from the Charlotte Bobcats
• 6/25 - Draft Oregon's Luke Jackson
• 7/14 - Traitor craps all over the city of Cleveland, oh yeah, he signed an offer sheet with the Utah Jazz too
• 7/20 - Acquire Eric Snow for Kedrick Brown and Kevin Ollie from the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers
• 7/23 - Acquire Drew Gooden, Steven Hunter, and Anderson Varejao for Tony Battie and two future second-round draft picks from the Orlando Magics
• 8/18 - Fox Sports Net Ohio names Mark Price as their new Cavaliers' color commentator
• 9/28 - Sign Forward/Center/Corpse Scott Williams to a contract
• 10/1 - Sign Lucious Harris to a contract

Actually, I'm quite disappointed with this off-season. Of course, it is nearly impossible to replace Carlos Boozer, he was that good. So I am not disappointed in that sense. Plus, Boozergate was so long ago I don't really place blame on the Cavs anymore, just Boozer.

I wish the Cavs had instead of signing deadbeats like Williams and Harris had tried to stay young. Lebron is only 19, he has plenty of good year left in him. I think the Cavs should develop numerous young talents alongside Lebron, especially considering he is such an amazing passer. Wagner is going nowhere, neither is Diop. I like Luke Jackson, but outside of those plus Gooden and Pavlovic there is no one. I don't think going into a "win-now" mode is the best course for the Cavaliers.

But the previous list doesn't display possibly the most hilarious news of the off-season. From the Akron Beacon Jounral:

The team is trying to locate free agent Keon Clark -- a well-known free spirit and wanderer -- who apparently is beyond the bounds of modern communication devices.

Wow. Too bad we didn't sign Vin Baker along with Clark. Can you imagine a lineup including Vin Baker, Tractor Traylor, and Keon Clark? All you'd need is maybe Shawn Kemp or Lamar Odom and at least one person would be in handcuffs by the end of the night, guaranteed.

Plus, I'll miss Matt Guokas. No one was the yang to Michael Reghi's ("From the corner, and he stickkkkkkkks it!") ying better than Guoks. Mark Price's hiring is nice for history's sake, but if memory serves me, isn't he a boring straight-edge stiff off the court? Anyways, anything beats Austin Carr (who manages to make Doug Dieken look well-informed).