If you've read the news this afternoon, then you've already heard that the Indians' team bus, en route to the Kansas City airport after last night's game, was struck by a lone bullet while driving down the highway. The bullet penetrated the outside of the bus and lodged itself in rookie pitcher Kyle Denney's leg.

But wait!

Denney was saved from serious injury because he was wearing a USC Trojans cheerleading outfit, which included high boots, whose thick material slowed the bullet somewhat.

And why was Denney wearing a USC cheerleader's outfit? Apparently, it's a regular team hazing tradition for rookies to have to wear women's clothing for extended periods of time. Then why a USC cheerleader, you ask? Well, because Denney, a loyal Oklahoman, roots for the Sooners, who trail only USC in the current polls.

Umm... fair enough. I'm not quite sure what to say about this. I mean, the realization that you've been shot while riding in a bus is weird enough, but the irony of being saved by your humiliating cheerleader outfit? It seems almost scripted. Just about the only way the irony could get any richer would be if the shooter turns out to be a psychotic, diehard Trojans fan who targeted Denney specifically because he was a Sooners fan.

In all seriousness, while the authorities are saying it was a random shooting, it's scary to wonder if the Indians could have been targets for some reason. It's even scarier to think that the team takes its hazing ritual so seriously, they go out and get a cheerleading outfit from a specific team. I mean, if you wanted a USC cheerleading outfit, where would you get one? Does the school sell them? Did an Indians player formerly date a USC cheerleader? Maybe Ben Broussard's off-season job is as a seamster (I assume that's a word; I've only ever heard people say "seamstress").

Incidentally, the USC cheerleaders aren't wearing boots of any kind in a single one of the many photos on their website. I suspect Denney's outfit was a "bootleg" version. Ha! Get it? Bootleg?

More importantly, Denney now becomes the latest addition to the long, storied list of Indians players who have been shot:

• Jolbert Cabrera
• Kyle Denney

That doesn't include C.C. Sabathia, who, I believe, was merely held up at gunpoint. Anyway, the moral of the story, as always, is "dress like a cheerleader". We can only hope that other players around Major League Baseball were paying enough attention today to follow suit.

Sports talk radio is, as a rule, repulsive, insofar as the hosts are annoying and their opinions wrong. Here in Chicago, I find it slightly less horrifying to listen to that kind of tripe because, frankly, I don't care whether or not the Cubs need a true veteran closer in order to blah, blah, blah... unlike the times when I'm in Cleveland, where, if I were to hear someone arguing the same thing about the Indians, I might vomit or something.

That isn't to say I'm not familiar with the major sports radio personalities in the Cleveland area. So when I saw in yesterday's news that WKNR's Bruce Drennan (aka Dr. Marvin Monroe from the early seasons of The Simpsons) was targeted as part of a "sweeping crackdown on suspected illegal sports gambling", I found it humorous enough to bring to your attention, if you haven't heard already. Read about it if you like.

[P.S. Also targeted in the raid, you'll notice, was a guy who may or may not (the article is a bit vague) be the head of the corporation that owns Gilly's, formerly Presti's, the center of all the universe (that is, the donut shop in Little Italy). Since I will forever cling to the tiny thread of hope that Gilly's may one day return to calling itself Presti's so that all may be right with the world (just as I did when Geauga Lake was called Six Flags - and now it's back to Geauga Lake; another Festivus miracle!!!), it was, no doubt, of interest to me that the possible owner of Gilly's is now involved in illegal activities.]

Did yesterday's game really happen, or was it an illusion? The New York Giants made their opponent look like the 2000 Browns. Returning the favor, the Cleveland Browns made their opponent look like the 2000 Giants. Think about that. It's like the chicken and the egg...

Welcome to another edition of "Born and Raised", friends. As you might guess, no one from this blog is particularly happy about what happened yesterday. Our collective Week 1 optimism, you see, is turning out to have been illusionment, which would certainly explain this pesky bout of disillusionment. Suddenly the 2004 season seems to be gathering all the key ingredients of a classic Cleveland Browns masterpiece season: another 19 starters were lost to injuries; the team managed 3 yards of total offense but kept the game close until the fourth quarter; Butch Davis just received a contract extension through 2021; Doug Dieken kept referring to Jamal Lewis as "Jamel" and Jamel White as "Jamal"...

Okay, so that last one didn't really happen, but with Doug Dieken at the mic, somehow it felt like it did. Anyway, I don't want to be too pessimistic when I know our dear readers are pessimistic enough already. That's why we're going to focus on the positive, or at least make it up, just like we always do. It's the best illusion of all! Without further ado...

Play of the Week

Alex says: Derrick Frost's vicious tackle of Mark Jones on his 21-yard punt return in the 2nd quarter. Normally a punter-tackle takes place once the returner passes all other special teamers, but not this time. Frosty comes out of nowhere, like a bullet, and throws himself at Jones--knocking him squarely in the chest. A beautiful tackle. Better yet, Frost gets up and agrily pounds his palm showing his disgust that the special teamers (except for Pontbriand, of course) aren't talented enough to tackle a loser like Jones.

Corey says: Why, it was William Green's 49-yard touchdown run that cut New York's lead to 10 at the end of the third quarter. What? That run was nullified by a holding penalty? Well, in my book it counted. Actually, in my book, the Browns won, 63-0. Hooray!

Player of the Week

Alex says: Strangely, Quincy Morgan. In my book, it is not the player who contributed most beneficially, but who overperformed the most. Quincy Morgan had a very nice long reception before that disgusting helmet-to-helmet cheapshot. Also, his touchdown catch was quite skillful. Quinsanity, congratulations, you didn't drop any ridiculously easy passes, nor did you do your "throwing the flag" pantomime: you're the player of the week.

Corey says: William Green. In all seriousness, the fact that Green managed to rush for 91 yards when we were playing catch-up the entire game is impressive. Plus, he lost about 30 yards on that meaningless holding penalty. He could easily have rushed for 120 in a losing cause.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

He did a great job of throwing the ball backward, he saw me breaking on the ball. If he threw the ball in front of him, it'd been an interception. So what he did, he saw me breaking up, he threw the ball backward. So Amani Toomer just made a great adjustment, and caught the ball back.

--Earl Little. In one of the most confusing post-game interviews of all-time, Earl uses the word "he" six times in three sentences. Earl is attempting to explain why he didn't intercept some pass directed towards Toomer, but I can't quite remember which pass exactly. While we can assume "he" is Kurt Warner, how does he throw the ball backwards?

Corey says:

The offense was fine, man. Guys stepped in and did a great job. Guys who took the place of other guys.

--Quincy Morgan. Now who's being illusioned? Which "guys", exactly, did a great job filling in for "other guys"? Aaron Shea and Joaquin Gonzalez? Didn't those two combine for about 100 yards in penalties? Maybe my memories are exaggerated, but at least I'm not the one who said "the offense was fine, man". I mean, Quincy, please.

Pontbriand Moment of the Week

Alex says: Every week it gets increasingly difficult to pick a single moment, or at least make a witty comment to sidestep the issue of Pontbriand. But I still have some left in me. So I say, Jeff Faine's failed shotgun snap. You just know that Ryan would've completed that snap.

Corey says: The most important subplot of the game was the Battle of the Ryans: Pontbriand vs. the man he replaced, Ryan Kuehl (the former best long snapper in the league), now long snapping for the Giants. Kuehl's snaps were adequate, yes, but were they perfect? Advantage: Pontbriand. Also, following up on one of last week's items, yet another long snapper caught a touchdown pass this week: the Eagles' Mike Bartrum. Butch, c'mon, don't miss the train on this one.

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: James Jackson. I know some may disagree over "the next Edgerrin James"'s obscurity because his name is well-known for he was once a starter; but now, he is the 3rd RB on the depth chart, making him obscure in my book. I must say he has impressed me greatly this season. His cuts and fakes are crisp and effective. I personally don't see Suggs' return as some great gain to our offense, because Green and Jackson have been doing so well in his absence. Essentially, Jackson is Suggs, just with more experience and less hype. Seriously, Suggs has only had one good game! Let's not go crazy people.

Corey says: How about everyone's favorite condiment/NFL Europe standout, Chad Mustard? After being heartbroken when Chad was cut at the end of the preseason, I was thrilled to see him re-signed this week in order to fill out the depth chart after Sgt. Kellen was wounded in battle. "Colonel" Mustard had one catch for nine yards in the game yesterday, a total which led all Cleveland Browns tight ends! That catch took place on 4th and 1, by the way, deep in Giants territory. If Jeff Garcia hadn't fumbled a few plays later (letting the score run to 17-0 when it should have been 10-7), then Mustard's catch might have been a candidate for Play of the Week.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: The #8 "Frost". I think the bilateral symmetry of the eight complements the orange pants spectacularly. Also, I love how his shoulder pads are about double the size of any other punter's.

Corey says: If ever it felt like the week for a throwback, this is it. I'm going with a classic #82 "Newsome". I've seen plenty of Jim Brown jerseys, Bernie Kosar jerseys, Clay Matthews jerseys, I've even seen a Lou Groza and a Hanford Dixon, but I've never seen anyone wearing an Ozzie Newsome jersey. Curious.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: No doubt about it, Gibril Wilson. His unsettling illegal helmet-to-helmet hit on Quincy was very dangerous. There is a very good reason that those kind of hits are banned in the NFL. Thankfully, Quincy got up and walked away immediately. But watching the replays made me notice that Wilson easily could have just lowered his head and hit Morgan with a shoulder pad and still delivered a pretty jarring blow. But no, he decided to cheat, and for that he receives the eternal shame of being named my "Cheater of the Week".

Corey says: You know, Alex and I recently had a little discussion about this category. I didn't intend for it to be taken literally; I originally thought that it would just be a cheeky way for me to name the "opposing player whose contribution to the game I most resented" each week. Alex, for his part, is quick to point out that, in order for anyone to beat the mighty Cleveland Browns, they would have to cheat, so he's content in actually implying that "so-and-so" was really cheating. Just keep it in mind. Oh, and my Cheater of the Week is Jeremy Shockey; that guy is such an overrated doofus, and because people associate him with Kellen Winslow, Kellen's image is forever tarnished.

The character Carl Winslow was a cop on "Family Matters"... was he a sergeant, by any chance?

Anyway, one of the regular columns at Football Outsiders, "Every Play Counts", focuses on Kellen Winslow this week. The article is liberally laced with praise for Kellen, so I thought you all might enjoy reading it, if you haven't already.

I've been playing Madden 2005 lately, and while I'd love to offer my review of the game, this is a Cleveland sports blog, so I will offer my review of Madden 2005's version of the Browns.

When you turn on the game, the first thing you see (after "EA Sports: it's in the game") is Ray Lewis' putrid, hate-filled head, screaming "Defense wins championships!!!"; then you see Ray Lewis' putrid, hate-filled body flying horizontally past the Browns Stadium fans as he creates a Ray Lewis-sized hole in the side of Jamel White's body (a la Daffy Duck), forcing Jamel to drop the ball, which is promptly scooped up by a nameless, putrid, hate-filled Raven.

That all takes place in the span of about 2.5 seconds. And unless you're specifically a Browns fan, it's about all you'll see of the Cleveland Browns for the rest of your video game experience. The fact that the Browns are pretty much absent from the game's imagery is the biggest reminder that in sports video games, only two things matter: your previous year's won-lost record, and the number of nationally-recognized "stars" on your team. Out of all the teams in the NFL, the Browns (or maybe the Texans) are worst-off in this regard.

For example, there are these "NFL Icons" still images that appear for a few seconds whenever you're waiting for something to load. Each one features an NFL player. By now, I think I must have seen about 150 different ones. But no Browns.

Meanwhile, I think the Browns are rated a little too low. Every player in the game is given a rating on a scale of 100, and the Browns are the only team without a player in the 90's. Jeff Garcia is their highest rated player, at 88. All 31 of the other teams have at least three players in the 90's. Most of the Browns starters are in the low 80's. Andre Davis is unfairly a 79, which ranks him right alongside such WR greats as Darnerien McCants of the Redskins and Justin Gage of the Bears. Butterfingers Morgan isn't much better off as an 82, which makes him equal to guys like Philadelphia's Todd Pinkston and Tennessee's Tyrone Calico. Andra Davis the linebacker is clearly the best player on the defense, even though his 86 rating ties him with a few others. Phil Dawson's an 81; that hardly seems fair - it makes him the 24th best kicker in the NFL. Derrick Frost is an absolutely pitiful 67, the second worst punter in the league. But that's understandable, he'd pretty much never played before this year's opener. And since surely you're all dying to know how Ryan Pontbriand is rated, I should point out that long snappers aren't on the rosters. The backup center does all the snapping on special teams. In the Browns' case, that's Melvin Fowler.

You can understand, then, why I've started playing a few of my games with the All-Browns team, instead of the underrepresented '04 Browns. So far, my All-Browns have defeated the All-Bengals and lost to the All-Steelers. I just need a little more practice, and the All-Steelers are toast. The bad thing about the all-time teams in Madden, though, is that the players don't have names, nor do they wear their correct jersey numbers. They are all real historical players, with their actual abilities, ratings, and appearances, but instead of Ozzie Newsome, for example, you only find "TE #42" or something like that. The only true-to-life information they give you about each player is his height and weight.

Luckily, you can reprogram the roster with whatever names and numbers you want. Thus, I spent my entire afternoon yesterday trying to figure out who was who on the All-Browns. All I had to go by was height, weight, position, skin color, and overall rating. Some were easy (like the 6'2", 228-pound black fullback was who rated a 99), but most were very hard. I used the Cleveland Browns Legends section of the Browns' official site, since it lists the height and weight of lot of great Browns players. Unfortunately, the video game roster has a lot more players on it than there are "Browns Legends", according to the website. The "Best of the Browns" posts that have been appearing lately on Ace Davis' Weblog came in extremely handy, too.

I think I got the whole offense and about half the defense correct. The one thing that's really bugging me is that none of the wide receivers appears to be Dante Lavelli. I don't understand how he could be left of the team; maybe the video game programmers got his height and weight wrong. Anyway, here's the roster, as far as I can tell:

• QB: Otto Graham, Bernie Kosar, Brian Sipe
• HB: Earnest Byner, Mike Pruitt, Greg Pruitt, Eric Metcalf
• FB: Jim Brown, Kevin Mack, Leroy Kelly
• WR: Paul Warfield, Gary Collins, Webster Slaughter, Ray Renfro, Dub Jones
• TE: Ozzie Newsome, Milt Morin, Johnny Brewer
• LT: Doug Dieken, Dick Schafrath
• LG: Jim Ray Smith, Robert E. Jackson
• C: Frank Gatski, Tom DeLeone
• RG: Abe Gibron, Gene Hickerson
• RT: Mike McCormack, Cody Risien
• LE: Len Ford, Bill Glass
• RE: 6'1" 239-lb. black guy, 6'2" 285-lb. black guy
• DT: Bob Gain, Jerry Sherk, Bob Golic, Michael Dean Perry
• LOLB: 6'4" 243-lb. black guy, 6'3" 242-lb. white guy
• MLB: 6'0" 232-lb. white guy, 6'3" 228-lb. white guy
• ROLB: Clay Matthews, 6'0" 231-lb. white guy, 6'3" 242-lb. white guy
• CB: Hanford Dixon, Frank Minnifield, Erich Barnes, Clarence Scott
• FS: 6'0" 187-lb. white guy, 6'3" 183-lb. white guy
• SS: Thom Darden, 6'3" 183-lb. white guy
• K: Lou Groza
• P: Chris Gardocki

Yes, a "new" Brown made the team: Chris Gardocki. Anyway, if anyone out there has an idea who those unidentified guys on the defense might be, please let me know!

By the way, there are also teams like '87 Browns, '86 Browns, '70 Browns and '65 Browns (no '64 Browns, interestingly enough). I imagine these might be easier to "redo", as it were, since you already know exactly who's on the roster, you just have to figure out how they're ordered, and so on. Perhaps I'll attempt this next.

All in all, while I wish the '04 Browns were a little better (in the game, I mean), I am enjoying Madden 2005, with all of its superb features. The most fun I've had thus far is the thrill of returning a kickoff as Eric Metcalf, then, on the next play, throwing a pass as Otto Graham to Ozzie Newsome, then busting a 40-yard touchdown run as Mike Pruitt, and then kicking the extra point as Lou Groza, and so on. Maybe next year one will be able to have the same thrill playing as Lee Suggs, Andre Davis, and Kellen Winslow. I can only hope.

With the Indians' season over (come on, it's so over), the Browns are the only current in-season team for Clevelanders. Since they play once a week, stupid otherwise not newsworthy stories become headlines. For instance, some pundits have criticized Butch Davis for allowing Sgt. Kellen Winslow II (alternatively dubbed "The Greatest Tight End Ever To Step Out Upon A Football Field™" by Football Outsiders) to play special teams on Phil Dawson's on-side kick. Nonsense, I don't feel like arguing it, but essentially an on-side kick, as far as I know, doesn't involve any special injury risk over any other play so you ought to play your most talented players. Especially when the game is about to end.

However, has anyone else noticed that the Browns seem to be hit by an unusually large amount of severe injuries every year? I understand that Courtney Brown will miss at least four weeks every season, including the rest of this year. What a shocker! Let's take a look at Browns placed on injured reserve during the Bucth Dynasty since 2002 in reverse chronological order:

• September 21, 2004: Placed defensive end Courtney Brown on injured reserve
• September 6, 2004: Placed tackle Jason Anderson on injured reserve
• August 31, 2004: Placed offensive lineman Chad Beasley, fullback Ben Miller, linebacker Brant Boyer and safety Michael Grant on injured reserve
• December 24, 2003: Placed defensive tackle Antonio Garay on injured reserve
• December 10, 2003: Placed guard Chad Beasley, defensive end Courtney Brown, running back James Jackson, kicker Phil Dawson and cornerback Lewis Sanders on injured reserve
• November 26, 2003: Placed center Jeff Faine and running back R.J. Bowers on injured reserve
• November 12, 2003: Placed tight end Steve Heiden and defensive tackle Alvin McKinley on injured reserve
• September 1, 2003: Placed offensive tackle Ross Verba on injured reserve
• August 26, 2003: Placed defensive lineman Israel Idonije on injured reserve
• August 5, 2003: Placed tight end Rod Monroe on injured reserve
• November 26, 2002: Placed linebacker Ben Taylor on injured reserve
• November 20, 2002: Placed tight end Aaron Shea on injured reserve
• September 2, 2002 Placed defensive end Felipe Claybrooks and quarterback Michael Thompson on injured reserve
• September 1, 2002: Placed tight end Chris Eitzmann, defensive lineman Cecil Caldwell, defensive back Earthwind Moreland and linebacker Michael Smith on injured reserve
• August 13, 2002: Placed linebacker Jamir Miller on injured reserve
• January 2, 2002: Placed defensive end Courtney Brown on injured reserve

In this period, the Browns have played 2 games this season, 16 last season, 17 (don't forget the playoffs!) in the 2002 season, 1 game in the 2001 season on 1/9/02 vs. Pittsburgh, and 12 preseason games, for a total of 48 games. 28 "players" (because certain players, ahem Quiet Storm ahem, have been on the list multiple times) have been place on the IR. That means a player is placed on the IR every one and three-quarters of a game. That's a lot.

Anyways, I don't have the answer to why the Browns are always so injured. I don't believe it is because Butch is more protective of his players, and they less frequently play injured--because plenty of Browns always seems to be playing injured. Also, plenty of these season ending injuries have just been further aggravation to an existing injury of a player that was playing hurt. I know there is a correlation between conditioning and injury-prevention. Perhaps the Browns have been doing especially poorly at conditioning these past few seasons. To me, mixed with some bad luck, this seems to be the correct explanation. I often hear in the news of certain players being out-of-shape, which isn't out of the ordinary, but it's so common with the Browns so as to be unable to be ignored in this issue.

By the way, we waived Dee Brown! I guess with Suggs potentially returning he is expendable, and his fumble against Dallas was pretty pathetic, but hey, his name is Dee Brown. Which is awesome. And thanks to Joe Gartrell, for his nice comments about us in the Tribe Report.

The Indians are no longer the Indians; for the last three weeks of the season, they're the International League Champion Buffalo Bisons. You see, if you haven't been following the Tribe lately, and you haven't, ever since the AAA club won the IL title, Wedgie's been putting Sizemore, Bard, Phillips, Peralta, Cruceta, Denney, and others into the starting lineup on a daily basis. Thus, tonight it was Bisons 8, Tigers 7, in a truly exciting game (Detroit took a 5-run lead into the 6th, only to blow it over the last four frames). Not that I watched any of it. I had important video games to play and Iron Chef to watch.

Now, about Brandon Phillips. To say that his 2004 season was an improvement over his 2003 season is merely to point out that he went from 'shamefully bad' to 'not that good'. It's important to keep in mind that he's still hitting like shit. Nonetheless, tonight he earned back a significant portion of the blind love I once had for him, by successfully pulling off a hidden ball trick. Kickass.

With two outs in the bottom of the seventh, Tigers 1B Carlos Peña tried to steal second. Victor's throw sailed high... until Phillips, playing 2B, made an athletic leaping catch to keep it from going into the outfield. Then Brandon pretended to watch the throw bouncing into center field. Peña started towards third base, only to find out that he had been both punk'd and served, simultaneously.

I love and encourage any kind of baseball strategy where acting is involved. When Jim Thome was an Indian, every time an inside pitch landed in the dirt during one of his at-bats, he would instantly clutch his foot with both hands and hop around a little, wincing. I can't remember a time when the umpire actually bought it, but for some odd reason it always made me adore Thome all the more. Omar and Robbie used to do tons of acting, too. Remember how, every once in a while, when a pop-up was drifting into shallow center, one of them might plant under it as if he had an easy out, even though it was clear no one was going to get to it in time? Then the runner would casually walk back to the bag, and when the ball landed at the center fielder's feet, he'd be a sitting duck. I can't get enough of stuff like that.

So tonight's toast goes out to Brandon Phillips: "You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit." --Lou Brown. Actually, Brandon, keep hitting like shit if you want to; if you continue to wear your hat like C.C., and pull off the occasional trick play, then as far as I'm concerned, you can stay as long as you like.

Shockingly, the Browns' run to 16-0 has come to a crashing halt already in Week 2. While the Cowboys are supposedly a good team (they somehow made the playoffs last year, seriously) it's still disappointing to all Cleveland fans that the team was unable to make that one knockout blow and take the lead. But alas, such is Butch Davis. To spice things up for this edition of Born and Raised I'll introduce a theme: turns.

"Why turns?" you ask. Consider the copious turnovers experienced by both teams. Despite Vinny Testaverde's best efforts to lose, he was outdone by the Browns (more specifically, Butch Davis, in my opinion). I don't think anyone can wrest defeat from the jaws of victory better than good ol' Butch. What about the way our stomachs turned as Browns fans when we saw that Sgt. Kellen Winslow II will likely miss the rest of the season? Looking on the bright side though, the AP reports that "With both Winslow and tight end Steve Heiden hurt, the Browns likely will re-sign Chad Mustard". How about the way Quincy Morgan should turn his head in horrendous shame whenever Jeff Garcia or pretty much anybody looks at him. Unlike every member of Ohio State football, according to ABC commentators, he has yet to have his "breakout game". Or, how about the way our opinions of the Browns' vaunted defense have turned? Then again, you're bound to look great playing opposite the worst offense in the league by a wide margin.

However, most importantly, at least to me, is how I was turned away by the enormous bouncer at Blondie's at 2nd Ave. and 92nd St. in New York, home of the New York City Browns Backers. Despite reassurances that my underagedness would not impede upon my enjoyment of the game on TV as long as I didn't order drinks, I was rudely denied entrance and forced to trek all the way back to my dorm and only hear the 2nd half over the internet. Damn you, giant bouncer.

Play of the Week

Alex says: While Hank's interception was, as our Dad says, "athletic", I feel that Robert Griffith's was more exciting. Then again, I wasn't able to see either. However, I got more excited about Robert's because it was later in the game and we still only needed a touchdown to win it. Plus, Henry's interception was in the first half, the situation wasn't nearly as dire then.

Corey says: Anthony Henry's interception. It happened before the wheels fell all the way off the bus. It was exciting; I actually thought that the Browns were going to take the lead. For a second, it even looked like Anthony might be able to run it back all the way. Frankly, that was the only way we could have scored a touchdown. Meanwhile, Henry has two picks on the season, and if I'm not mistaken, that makes him the league leader. Not that I'm celebrating.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Phil Dawson, for being perhaps the only Brown who made only positive contributions to the team this week, save for Ryan Pontbriand, of course. He had me going banoodles along with Jamir Howerton. Next up, Mike Vanderjagt's record of 42 consecutive makes.

Corey says: I'll agree, Phil Dawson. Four-for-four on field goals, to extend his NFL lead for longest current FG streak, plus a successful onside kick (a drop-kicked one, no less). Phil had the second-best weekend among kickers in the entire universe, behind only Mike Nugent. That Phil Dawson, he's so damn untypical.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

That's how football be sometimes. Sometimes, they might put 38 points, we going to give up 35 and win the game... So, you know, just look at yourself in the mirror. Like I say, "Hey, I got to do better on my part, and I'll go from there". You can't blame nobody, you got to look at yourself, and see what you did.

--Kenard Lang. Strangely, there actually is a meaning in that mess. Hopefully the team can look at themselves in the proverbial mirror, and perhaps improve upon this week's crapfest.

Corey says:

Shit.

--Me.

Pontbriand Moment of the Week

Alex says: Sadly, Jim Donovan and Doug Dieken routinely forget to mention potential Pontbriand Moments. So, I'll just say that every time he touches the ball is a work of art. I miss seeing him, you can't understand his true essence over the radio.

Corey says: Alex, you're even starting to scare me a little with your Pontbriand worship. Anyway, with about two minutes left in the third quarter, Derrick Frost had to attempt the most difficult punt of his young career, with the Browns facing fourth and long on their own 6 yard line. Though the punt was a little short, he got it off with plenty of hangtime, and, as always, he couldn't have done it without his trusty long snapper, Ryan Pontbriand. On a related note, in case you didn't notice, the Cowboys' first touchdown pass was caught by their long snapper. That's awesome. I just hope Butch was paying attention...

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Joaquin Gonzalez, whose holding penalty in the end zone with 8 seconds left that caused a safety actually benefited the Browns in a weird way. But then again, if Phil Dawson didn't kick ass so proficiently, we likely wouldn't have gotten the ball back. But that is only hypothetical, because Dawson does kick that much ass, so Joaquin opened the door for Luuuuuke's hail mary.

Corey says: Ebenezer Ekuban. He has the best name on the team; he had the Browns' only sack of the game; he forced and recovered his own fumble; he was facing his former team; is that enough? I expect him to become less obscure over the next few weeks, what with Courtney Brown initiating his annual "Mark Word Memorial Playing Time for Backup Defensive Ends Charity Event", so I'm happy to tag Ebenezer as my Obscure Brown of the Week while he's still relatively obscure.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: I know I'm supposed to pick a cool Browns jersey, but I'll say Jeff Garcia's many-buttoned three-piece suit he wore for post-game interviews. Apparently, Jeff had to run off after the game to be an usher in a wedding. As Corey says, he "looks like a Chris Kattan character".

Corey says: I'm going with the #33 "McCutcheon", in classic brown. Daylon's one of only two guys left from the '99 Browns, and he's a decent player. It's also a jersey you don't see very often, which is a shame. Not that I own one myself, but hey, if you want to buy it for me I'll gladly give you the address.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: Keyshawn Johnson, and I think the reason ought to be obvious: he kicked Earl Little! While he did receive an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, which offset Earl's pass interference penalty--I believe--that still isn't enough punishment. As Doug Dieken suggested, Johnson should have been ejected and subject to a hefty fine. You can view the kick as a saving grace of sorts because it offset Earl's earlier penalty, but the repercussions needed to be more severe for a cheater of such awful moral character.

Corey says: Dallas safety Terence Newman, for his obvious illegal contact while covering Quincy Morgan with 2:37 left in the fourth quarter, for which he was not flagged for a penalty. Both of the TV commentators remarked that it should have been a penalty. The catch (or the penalty call, either way) would have been a 36-yard pickup for the Browns, leaving them on the Cowboys' 40 yard line, trailing by five. Instead, they ended up punting from their own 24, not getting the ball back until there were only 9 seconds left on the clock.

Not having a computer and being out of town makes it extremely difficult to follow the Indians. But I have persevered. Since their season is all but over (and congratulations to the Buffalo Bisons, the Kinston Indians, and the Mahoning Valley Scrappers, all champions), and the Browns don't play for a couple of days, I will recite a few things I have learned about the Indians from this season, and some unanswered questions.

What I have learned

• Depth in young pitchers is vital. From what has happened with Cliff Lee late in the season, Jason Davis all season, and guys like Scott Stewart, Jimenez, and Cliff Bartosh, the Indians need to continually restock through the draft this depth of pitchers. We cannot trade away valuable pitching prospects (despite TNSTAAPP) for older pieces/parts to make a championship run.
• Coco Crisp is Ichiro Suzuki-lite, which is not as good a thing as ESPN would tell you. It's hard to get excited about someone with a .046 isolated OBP and a 60% success rate on stolen bases this season as a "leadoff hitter".
• The position player depth in AAA especially is very exciting, hopefully next year we'll have both Peralta and Phillips. While Phelps may platoon with Hafner; someone among Blake/Boone/Broussard will be the odd man out at 3B or 1B. I say it is likely Ben Broussard, due to his lack of power and left-handedness.
• Mark Shapiro is a genius.

Unanswered questions

• Is Jake Westbrook for real? While his DIPS isn't as impressive as his ERA, he's still in the top 15 of the AL. His rising GB/FB is great too, although it was higher in 2003. But 2004 is his magical "Age 27" year.
• Can Grady be successful despite not having power? We've all heard that a young hitter learns power not plate discipline, but of course there are still skeptics. Even more disheartening is Franklin Gutierrez' dearth of power: 5 HR in 70 games? The .164 ISO ain't bad though.
• Where will our veteran leadership come from if we are ever to get anywhere?! Okay, just kidding.
• Will our bullpen suck so much next year? Also, interestingly, the Indians' bullpen's once invincible lead in Baseball Prospectus' Bullpen Rankings by Adjusted Runs Prevented has dwindled to .2 over the Reds. Can we hold them off?
• Finally, and I know this isn't necessarily about the Indians, but is Russell Branyan a "gamer"? A gamer is essentially any white baseball player in the major leagues (Erstad, Mientkiewicz, Podsednik, Edmonds, etc.) Does Branny break the mold? Please discuss in the comments.

[Edit, from Corey's comments:

Alex, I think you need to make one thing clear, so no ones accuses you of racism. You're making fun of the media, who typically reserves the term "gamer" for white ballplayers. The joke, dear readers, is that pretty much any white ballplayer, even if he is so clearly not a gamer, can be called a gamer by the idiots on TV. As for Russell Branyan, he may be the least gamery white guy in the majors. He's definitely putting this theory to the test.]

I don't know if the Indians are simply following my advice, or kicking themselves for not following it, because C. Charles Sabathia has been shut down for the season. Now, this isn't exactly the time bomb explosion I and so many others were afraid of. The time bomb explosion would be if C.C. had elbow (or worse, shoulder) problems. Right now, he has a hamstring problem, says the team. If nothing else, the hamstring injury keeps him from racking up any more high pitch counts for the last two weeks.

To take C.C.'s place, they've called up Francisco Cruceta, which is kind of exciting.

Hey, speaking of notable Bisons... the Bisons won the IL championship tonight! Hooray! They wrapped up the series in four games against the Richmond Braves. So, congratulations to Grady, Jhonny, Brandon, Garko and the rest of the gang. And those Buffalo fans say they never win anything... they should be grateful!

Alex's computer is broken. What a way to start your first year of college. Anyway, I'm doing my best to hold down the fort. I'm excited about this Sunday's game; it will be on TV in Chicago so I can watch from home! Alex, on the other hand, will most likely be watching from Blondie's on the upper east side of Manhattan, as the newest member of Browns Backers of New York City.

It's amazing to me to think that if I ever find myself, on a Sunday afternoon, stranded in, say, rural Wyoming, or suburban Seattle, or downtown Buenos Aires, or any of about 500 other spots around the globe, that there will be a group of Browns fans watching the game, ready to welcome me to join them.

Meanwhile, I've been listening to various interviews and press conferences on the Browns' official website. It's great; there are only a couple of team websites that let you listen to every minute of every press conference held by the team, unedited. That includes the conference calls that are held each week between the Cleveland media and either the opposing team's coach or one of the players. This week I learned that Bill Parcells knows Tony Grossi (of the Plain Dealer) somehow. When Grossi asked him a dumb question during the conference call, Parcells said "Tony, is that you? Man, you've lost a lot on your fastball."

(Incidentally, one of the few other team sites that lets you in on these conference calls is the Cowboys' site, so if you want to hear what Butch Davis and/or Jeff Garcia had to say to the Dallas media this week, go here and scroll to the bottom.)

Right now, I'm listening to Butch's press conference from earlier today. He just called Phil Dawson "extremely untypical". What does that mean? Dawson seems pretty typical to me. Apparently Phil has the longest current FG streak in the NFL, having made his last 12 kicks or something like that. Must be all those perfect snaps.

This is Part 2 in my neverending series of reviews grading the food at the major Cleveland sporting venues. In Part 1, I critiqued four of the new-for-2004 menu items at Jacobs Field. In this edition, I'll review four more. In case you don't remember Part 1, here are the grades I gave out:

• Bratwurst, A-
• Chicken 'n' Waffles, B
• Johnny Applestix, A
• Subway, D+

Anyway, this evening I was able to catch one last Indians game for the season, since I was in town for the Browns opener. Although the game itself was a sleeper (Tigers won, 11-3), I did get a new Victor Martinez t-shirt and manage to fill myself with ballpark treats. Other than the requisite pre-game kosher hot dog with grilled onions and plenty of Bertman's, I made a point of trying out "new" items.

Beef Burrito. Gee, I asked myself after I finished my burrito, what did I really expect? The burrito was tasty, but plain. Tortilla, ground beef, lettuce... come to think of it, I don't remember what else, if anything, was in there. I added one packet of the taco sauce they provided, which was adequately spicy. They also gave me a little container of sour cream, which I left alone for mess-related reasons. You see, the biggest problem was the mess. It was a disaster. The taco sauce trickled its way down to the bottom and ended up all over my shirt (thus the Victor Martinez shirt purchase). In the end, it was more trouble than it was worth, even if it was adequate in taste. By the way, they also offer chicken and bean burritos, all at the "Market Fiesta" stand between home and first. Grade: C

Chicken Crepe. There's a little stand on the first base side of the main concourse that offers six different kinds of crepes, but if you blink, you might miss it. In addition to the chicken florentine crepe that I had, they had beef stroganoff, something with salmon in it, something with shrimp in it, something vegetarian with artichoke in it, and a dessert crepe with chocolate and strawberries. I certainly can't speak for the five crepes I didn't try, but the chicken florentine was surprisingly good. It had a green sauce that I believe contained artichoke, and was served hot. Best of all, for an item that requires a fork, it made no mess. I understand that crepes are very French and considered very hoity-toity, and in a certain respect I don't think that culture mixes too well with baseball. But in the end, there's no harm done; the peanuts-'n'-cracker-jack purists can still eat what they want. The crepes taste good, and that's good enough for me. Grade: B+

Barbecued Chicken. I have several bones to pick with this particular item. The menu says "barbecued chicken", neglecting to add "sandwich". Worse, the chicken on the sandwich has a processed, stringy quality evocative of a pulled pork or barbecued beef sandwich - not barbecued chicken. I was expected a chicken breast or a drumstick or something. Unfortunately, the item was not present in the display case (only the fried chicken and the hamburger were), so I didn't realize what I was getting. The barbecue sauce, meanwhile, was far too mild. And, frustratingly, like so many Jacobs Field concessions items, this item is only available in "basket" form, which means it always comes with a side of fries (and, inevitably, costs more as a result). Now personally, I don't like Jacobs Field french fries, so this was a slight annoyance. If I had known what to expect, I might have liked it more, but as it stands, I was quite disappointed. Grade: D

Cappuccino Smoothie. As a connoisseur of fine fruit smoothies, I often reflect upon what a ridiculously wide array of products get called smoothies -- basically anything you can drink that's thicker than orange juice. This item, however, might more appropriately be called a slushie. To the best that I could tell, it contained crushed ice, cappuccino flavoring, sugar, more sugar, and possibly chocolate syrup (which really screwed with the flavor). I didn't bother to finish it. If you're really curious, though, you can find it at the pastry stand in right field, on the main concourse. In retrospect, I wish I had tried one of their pastries instead of this artificial-tasting "smoothie". Grade: D-

Well, that's it for this edition of concessions reviews. Combining Parts 1 and 2, you'll see that the "new" items I sampled at Jacobs Field this season got grades of A, A-, B+, B, C, D+, D, and D-. That's a pretty even mix, I think. Incidentally, I am happy to report that with a tiny crowd of 10,000 or so, the longest concessions line in the whole ballpark tonight was the one I saw at the Johnny Applestix booth at around the sixth inning. Nice to see Mr. Applestix catching on.

Part 3 in this series may not come out for a while; we'll see. I'll either move on to Browns Stadium or begin reviewing the more classic items at the Jake, like the hot dogs and stuff. Gund Arena reviews will have to wait until basketball season starts, at the very least. Meanwhile, feel free to offer your own assessments of the food at the Jake in the comments section.

Hi, everybody! This is a momentous day in the young life of the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times. Football season is begun, which means it's a perfect time for us to unveil our new weekly feature, "Born and Raised on the Cleveland Browns". Starting today, we'll publish a new edition of "Born and Raised" after each Browns game. We'll review the week's activity in a bunch of different categories, which you can peruse below. We're thinking that the catgories will stay the same from week to week, with the possible exception of a "wild card" at the end. Time will tell.

We celebrated the birth of "Born and Raised" last night with a black-tie, gala "unveiling" dinner. The Cleveland Orchestra performed "HI! O-HI-O for Cleveland" while we dined on a delicious menu of roasted raven and foie gras. During dessert, our benefactors unveiled the stunning ice sculpture, a realistic image of Alex and me penning the innaugural "Born and Raised on the Cleveland Browns", with Gerard Warren looming over us, checking our spelling. Then the keynote speaker, Doug Dieken, gave a heartwarming toast before reading the first ever "Born and Raised" to all our guests. Anyway, just in case you weren't one of the thousands in attendance last night, we are proud to present the whole thing in print, right here on your own computer screen!

On the field this week, our beloved Browns laid waste to the trembling carcass of those hated Baltimorons. Led by "offensive genius" Brian Billick, the 'Morons showed up with an offense that reminded us of the '00 Browns, and a defense that simply quit altogether at some point in the third quarter.

Play of the Week

Alex says: Anthony Henry's one-handed interception. While other plays may have impacted the "momentum" of the game more (such as the People's Choice's forced fumble, or Quinsanity's touchdown), I think that Henry's catch was the most skillful. Plus, it dutifully demonstrated that Kyle Boller sucks.

Corey says: Kenard Lang's third sack - the one that forced the fumble. Of all the great plays yesterday, that one had the crowd screaming the loudest. The People's Choice is now on pace for a 48-sack season, which will more than double the current NFL single-season record. I mean, at this point, it's pretty much inevitable.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Since my responses appear first, it may seem that I write them before Corey. However, at least this week, I have already seen Corey's responses and would like to add that he stole my pick! Anyways, I'll go with Derrick Frost. While he quite didn't reach the 1,400 yards I pegged him for, he did routinely give the Baltimorons terrible field position.

Corey says: Andra Davis, for two reasons. First, he grabbed a beautiful interception late in the game, which, at that point, was just icing on the cake. Secondly, and more importantly, he had the chutzpah to trash talk Head 'Moron Ray Lewis during the coin toss! While miked! We couldn't quite make out what he was saying, though. Either way, Andra, I salute you!

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

I have to be honest with you: I don't ever feel good when [Jamal Lewis] is on the field. I have the same feelings in the pit of my stomach you used to have when you used to play Oklahoma when they were absolutely lethal at running the wish bone. You could knock them in the dirt 12 plays in a row and they come down the line scrimmage and J.C. Watts pitches that ball out to Billy Simms and he’s go 80 yards and you’d go, "There went 17 great plays down the dirt."

-- Butch Davis. "...when you used to play Oklahoma"? Personally, I have never played them. Also, I thought there were 12 great plays in a row? And what does "down the dirt" mean?

Corey says:

...and that offensive line did a HELL of a job. But hey, defense and special teams. AWESOOOOME!!!! AWESOOOOME!!!!

--Bob Garcia, father of QB Jeff. No amount of exaggerated spelling and punctuation can convey the sheer volume and hilarity of Bob Garcia's last two words here. I saw this interview on Channel 43 on the evening news. Jeff Garcia's dad was giving a fairly straightforward sound bite about how the whole team played well, when out of nowhere he decided to scream "awesome" at the top of his lungs into the microphone, twice. It was hilarious.

Pontbriand Moment of the Week

Alex says: Do I have to choose one? I say it was his snap on our field goal. Without that God-like snap, Phil Dawson never could have attempted his kick. I can vividly remember the tight spiral and the popping noise when the ball snugly fit into Frostie's hands. It was pure art.

Corey says: Ryan delivered another (characteristic) flawless performance. All of his snaps glided into Derrick Frost's hands like magnets being lifted from their resting places by another, more powerful super-magnet. The best single Pontbriand moment, however, was something we only get to see from time to time: Ryan making a tackle. I believe it took place on a punt during the third quarter, though I don't remember for certain. Anyway, here's to R.P.'s first tackle of the season! May it be the first of many.

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: Enoch Demar. Merely due to the fact that a girl seated one section over from Corey and me was wearing a Demar #70 jersey. I am unsure whether it was authentic, and I doubt that she was a relative because: (a) she was seated behind the Ravens' bench, not the Browns, and (b) she was white. Therefore, I am confused. But, nevertheless, seeing an Enoch jersey warmed my heart. The release of Couch did more for creative Browns jersey sales than anything.

Corey says: Leigh Bodden. The second-year cornerback out of Duquesne had a stellar day on special teams, making 7 tackles (to lead the team!). As a Duquesne Duke, he reached second on the all-time interceptions list among I-AA schools. As a Cleveland Brown, Leigh wears #28, a stylish choice, and mostly plays on special teams. Also, his birthday is next week. Congratulations, Leigh!

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: I am probably excluded with my #64 Pontbriand jersey, so I say the guy I saw on the concourse with the #34 "YOUR NAME" jersey. That made me laugh out loud.

Corey says: It's got to be the classic, home-white #32 Jim Brown jersey, circa 1964. This was the weekend the Browns chose to honor the 40th anniversary of the last championship team in Cleveland sports history, the '64 Browns. Jim Brown and the entire living roster of that team was in Cleveland for the weekend, attending several events including a pre-game ceremony on Sunday.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: Ray Lewis, newest recipient of the Madden Curse. I doubt I need to explain further, but he is a dirty, dirty, overrated player. Plus, he fucking punched William Green after a play in the fourth quarter in the red zone! He punched him! What a shadow of a man.

Corey says: I agree with Alex. There's no question, it's Ray Lewis. What a weak individual. He finds it necessary to do his little "kicking and flailing" dance (which is stupid) after every insignificant tackle, but when the going gets rough, he resorts to unsportsmanlike conduct. For shame, pansy!

• Week 1: vs. Baltimore
• Week 2: at Dallas
• Week 3: at NY Giants
• Week 4: vs. Washington
• Week 5: at Pittsburgh
• Week 6: vs. Cincinnati
• Week 7: vs. Philadelphia
• Week 8: Bye
• Week 9: at Baltimore
• Week 10: vs. Pittsburgh
• Week 11: vs. NY Jets
• Week 12: at Cincinnati
• Week 13: vs. New England
• Week 14: at Buffalo
• Week 15: vs. San Diego
• Week 16: at Miami
• Week 17: at Houston
• Season Wrap

Game	Corey's prediction	Alex's prediction
BAL at CLE	Baltimorons 9, Browns 3	Spawns of Satan 2, Browns 0
IND at NE	Patriots 21, Colts 21	Patriots 27, Colts 24
TEN at MIA	Titans 21, Dolphins 21	Titans 27.2, Dolphins 19.4
ARI at STL	Rams 21, Cardinals 21	Rams 27.9, Cardinals 14.1
CIN at NYJ	Jets 21, Bengals 21	Bengals 21.6, Jets 17.7
JAX at BUF	Jaguars 21, Bills 21	Jaguars 17.3, Bills 15.2
SD at HOU	Texans 21, Chargers 21	Chargers 19.6, Texans 15.9
TB at WAS	Buccaneers 21, Redskins 21	Buccaneers 18.8, Redskins 17.9
DAL at MIN	Vikings 21, Cowboys 21	Vikings 26.0, Cowboys 18.1
KC at DEN	Chiefs 21, Broncos 21	Chiefs 30.3, Broncos 23.8
DET at CHI	Bears 3, Lions 3	Bears 17.7, Lions 16.9
OAK at PIT	Raiders 21, Poopheads 21	Bedwetters 18.8, Raiders 16.9
SEA at NO	Seahawks 21, Saints 21	Seahawks 25.3, Saints 21.3
ATL at SF	Falcons 21, 49ers 21	49ers 24.0, Falcons 18.7
NYG at PHI	Eagles 21, Giants 21	Eagles 23.4, Giants 15.2
GB at CAR	Panthers 21, Packers 21	Packers 27.6, Panthers 20.3

Corey says:

Football Outsiders shows us that the 2003 Baltimorons had the league's best defense -- and 32nd-best offense. Their 2004 projections show that not much will change for the 'Morons in '04, the one caveat being that the offense will be even worse. The Browns, as we all know, are really good at not scoring points. 9-3, Ravens.

Alex says:

Jeff Garcia's 99-yard touchdown scramble on the opening play of the game is called back due to a holding penalty on Kelvin Garmon. Following, Garcia's 99-yard pass to Quincy Morgan in the endzone is dropped. The Browns then go on to gain only 11 yards of total offense for the rest of the game as Derrick Frost sets a record for total punting yards in a game with 1,488. Luckily for Cleveland fans, the Baltimore offense proves to be equally inept and gains only 6 yards of total offense. Browns lose 2-0.

The 2004-2005 Cleveland Browns will finally kick-off their much anticipated season on Sunday against the Baltimore Spawns of Satan. Being back in Cleveland for the first time in a few weeks, Corey and I have been forced to listen to some of Cleveland's sports-talk radio again. Today, the host was asking every caller to predict Sunday's score and the Browns' record this season:

Host

Hello? You're on the air.

Caller

Hey man, this is Tony from Parma. How's it going?

Host

Good. So Tony, what do you think Sunday's score will be, and what will be the Browns' record?

Caller

I just got something to say. This week's game is must-win. We gotta get over the hump and beat the Ravens. The Ravens are inside our heads. And there is no way we'll have a successful season unless we beat the Ravens. We gotta 'stablish the running game, I'm not so sure about our line. But I got a really good feeling about Chaun Thompson, he's a difference-maker.

Host

I hear what you're saying Tony. So, how many wins will the Browns have this year, and what will be the score of the game?

Caller

The Browns will win 24-10. It's really a must-win game. And, I think, this year they'll be 11-5... I have a good feeling that we'll be able to establish the run.

Interesting thoughts Tony. I don't know if I agree.

Yes, the Indians are still playing games, as much as we'd like to pretend that the 22-0 game was the team's attempt to go out on a high. Actually, they won tonight, 5-0 over Seattle, which means that in their last three victories, the Indians have outscored their opponents 36-0! Currently, that's the best such mark in baseball! Woohoo!

Anyway, Carsten Charles pitched a brilliant game, striking out 8 and walking 1 over 9 innings. The only negative was that he went 118 pitches. You know, I had a hypothetical argument last night about whether I'd let C.C. pitch at all for the rest of the season, given the current standings, his age, his pitch counts, his weight, and how vital he is for our chances next year. My friend claimed that if Shapiro or Wedgie were indeed to shut him down for the year, citing a bruised pinky toe or some such thing, they would be violating their ethics; that is, that they have an obligation (to both the fans and the other teams in the league) to do whatever they can to win as many of the remaining 23 games as possible. I, on the other hand, believe that their obligation, especially Shapiro's, is towards winning next year, now that they can't do so this year. 2005 has been our target date for contention ever since the rebuilding started; as of right now everything is right on schedule. Reducing the risk of a Sabathia time-bomb explosion is definitely in the team's best interests.

And if you don't believe that letting a 24-year old, 300 pound pitcher go over 100 pitches every time out is putting him at a serious risk for arm trouble, then I've got some articles for you to read.

The offense, meanwhile, did all of its scoring on homers tonight. Four of 'em. It seems that Derek Zumsteg (the Baseball Prospectus writer) was able to uncover an enlightening little memo from Travis Hafner to Mariners starter Gil Meche following tonight's game. He posted it on his weblog, U.S.S. Mariner. With respect to Mr. Zumsteg, I'd like to reprint it here:

Dear Gil,
Thought of you when talking about this season to my mother. Thank you for your recent pitch of September 6th, which I hit for a home run. It was delicious, both in speed and presentation, and I look forward to meeting you in future games.
Yours sincerely,
Travis Hafner.

Heh heh. That Travis is such a mensch. And one helluva hitter.

Ummm... what just happened?

Today, Butch waived the following players: wide receiever/emergency backup QB Frisman "Action" Jackson, defensive end/sack master Mark "Microsoft" Word, tight end Darnell "He's from Cleveland and played for Ohio State" Sanders, and perhaps most sadly of all, tight end Chad "Colonel" Mustard.

These are all unfortunate cuts for varying reasons. Frisman Jackson was the rare freak player who, even though he sucked in general, could throw the ball 90 yards down the field in one heave (despite mainly playing wide receiver). That's a cool little quirk I'll sorely miss on the roster this year. Mark Word didn't get much playing time but still led the team in sacks each of the last 25 years. And his name was Word. Mark Word, we hardly knew ye. Darnell Sanders was from Warrensville Heights, so, umm, yeah. Chad Mustard has been a standout in NFL Europe for years now and I'm telling you, this was the year! His name is Mustard; he should be playing for us!

As a result of all this, the Browns will carry four running backs on the roster. Was it really that important to have Dee Brown backing up William Green, Lee Suggs, and James "Crybaby" Jackson? One theory: they wanted him because his name is Brown. Eh? Like a certain former Cleveland running back named Brown?

Finally, I'm sure everyone has heard that Tim Couch was cut by the Packers. Heh. Heheh. Hahaha. When I heard the news, I assumed it was because of a contract disagreement, a fight over playing time, a locker room crying incident -- something! But no, it was simply that he did not make the cut. He could not beat out Doug "Remember Doug Pederson?" Pederson, and something called Craig Nall. Wow.

So here's a toast to my homies Darnell, Chad, Mark, and Frisman. May you spend your days being merry and your nights longing for old Cleveland town.

How convenient. A game I could watch. On a TV.

• Neither Green nor Suggs got in on the game. That's fine; I understand it's the last preseason game and you usually don't let any of your stars play, but since we're the Browns... and have no stars... I'm just not entirely certain the normal rules should apply. Our offense could have used the extra tune-up.
• You may be down on the Browns at this moment in time, but honestly, the Bears are in a much worse situation. So we have that. Who's Chicago's best player on offense? The kicker plays special teams; that doesn't count. And who's their best player on defense? Not Urlacher, if you ask me. He played horribly last year. Give me Andra Davis any day!
• Andre King is the ultimate garbage time player. Honestly, I've never seen him make (or line up for) a play in a situation that mattered, but as soon as the game is out of hand (or if it's the preseason), he takes over. Do you realize he had 7 catches tonight? Is that a preseason record? Part of his aura is the way he needlessly and ridiculously celebrates every reception like he just won us the game. If I had to assemble a football team for mop-up duty, Andre King would be my MVP.
• I'm still waiting for Kellen Winslow to do something good. (Actually, he did almost block a punt... but at the same time, y'know, it's kinda like, he had that extremely ugly-looking fumble.)
• My attitude toward Derrick Frost is bittersweet. On the one hand, he thinks he can replace the Chris Gardocki, which is silly. On the other hand, his name's Frost, which is an awesome name for a Cleveland Brown. A definite candidate for a future jersey purchase, if he's on his best behavior.
• Mike Ditka says "Daylon" (you know, as in McCutcheon) like this: "Day-lawn", with the accent on "day", instead of the right way (you know, like how it rhymes with "Van Halen"). Eh, you had to be there. It was funny hearing Ditka shout boisterously throughout the whole broadcast, pronouncing Browns players' names as if they were Star Wars characters.
• I like Luke McCown so far. I'd consider naming my son Luke, just so I could sternly say "Luke, I am your father" whenever he did something wrong. Nah, I'd name my son Dee Brown so he'd be guaranteed to be a professional athlete.

While I excitedly wait for my return to Cleveland Browns stadium to watch us stomp all over Ray Lewis' extremely overrated face, I changed the poll since it is now September. I figure every month or so is a decent sample size for our poll. In case you missed it, the question of who the best Indians prospect is (sans Grady) was answered overridingly with (in order): Michael Aubrey, Jhonny, and FGut. While I do wish FGut were above Peralta, overall I feel that we have an extremely knowledgeable readership.

1. 27% - Michael Aubrey (34 votes)
2. 22% - Jhonny Peralta (28 votes)
3. 19% - Franklin Gutierrez (24 votes)
4. 9% - Ryan Garko (11 votes)
5. 9% - Brandon Philips (11 votes)
6. 6% - Francisco Cruceta (7 votes)
7. 6% - Adam Miller (7 votes)
8. 2% - Fausto Carmona (2 votes)
9. 1% - Andrew Brown (1 vote)
10. 0% - Jake Dittler (0 votes)

This new poll asks about the most productive of all new Browns. Corey came up with the options, and while I am disappointed not to see either Phil Dawson, Ryan Kuehl, or Ryan Pontbriand, I anxiously await to watch how many will vote as I do (Gardocki!). So, happy voting, go Browns. Oh, and fuck the Yankees.