Born and Raised on the Cleveland Browns: Week 15
by Corey
I feel a bit sheepish to say this, but here the Browns are, putting the finishing touches on one of the two most exhilarating 3-win seasons they've had since the expansion, and Alex and I, who claim - or at least pretend - to be responsible liaisons to 30 or so loyal readers, both miss the entire game! You see, fate conspired against us. We were each aboard airplane flights that coincided with the duration of the Browns game, Alex en route to sunny Cleveland, and I from New York back to the Pizza Wasteland.
I don't know what Alex was able to find in the way of a game recap, but for me, it was pretty much the NFL Films highlight reel and a thorough look at the stats. Apparently, I didn't miss much. The first thing I noticed was that the Browns' juggernaut offensive attack exploded all the way into triple digits in yards gained! The defense, meanwhile, allowed San Diego only four complete passes. Of course, Marty Schottenheimer, well aware of the best ways to beat the Browns, and certainly aware of the best way to gain yards in the brutal Cleveland snow, only called seven pass plays, cough, cough. Of the three that were unsuccessful, two were incomplete and one was a sack.
What struck me, though, other than the fact that the Browns offense played poorly yet again, was that the San Diego offense didn't play that much better. The difference in the game, it seems to me, was the fact that the Browns, in their three scoring opportunities, went 0-for-3 (throwing an interception, sending in Robot Phil to miss a field goal, and turning it over on downs), whereas the Chargers, in their three scoring opportunities, came away with three touchdowns. So while the score was lopsided, the other stats are fairly even. Maybe it didn't look that way from watching, but then, how would I know?
Corey says: The NFL Films highlight reel shows a mere eight plays this week, and only two of them go in favor of the Browns. Really, I feel as though my hands are tied. The stats show that there ought to be at least a few more candidates, such as a 26-yard run by Lee Suggs, the longest in quite a while (what, did the offensive linemen accidentally find themselves standing in the paths of the gentlemen they were supposed to block?). But of the two plays I can actually see, I'll choose Dyshod Carter's fumble recovery on a botched San Diego punt return early in the first quarter. Hey, just like the play I chose last week! The turnover left the Browns on the 5-yard line, closer to the Dawg Pound than they've been in, like, 8 decades. Except for when they're backed up against the Dawg Pound in their own territory, of course. Derrick Frost deserves praise, too, for unleashing a punt that landed on the Chargers' 5-yard line, inches from the sideline. Perfect. I'll ignore, for the moment, the fact that Luke McCown threw an extra-stupid interception on the very next play.
Corey says: I suppose it has to be Lee Suggs, who somehow rushed for a hundred yards, averaging an unprecedented 5.0 yards per carry (compare that to LaDainian Tomlinson's 4.3 yards per carry). Normally, I'm not one who likes to give any credit at all to a running back for his performance, since I am of the belief that they don't really do much - either there's a hole to run through, and they run through it, or there's not, and they get tackled (I really don't think there's much of a difference between Priest Holmes, and, say, James Jackson; if you put Jackson behind the Chiefs' blockers, you'd watch him rush for just as many yards and touchdows, much like Holmes' backup is already doing this season in KC). At this point in the season, however, I simply can't bring myself to praise the Browns' pathetic excuse for an offensive line, so I'll give Suggs some credit.
Corey says:
Corey says: Well, my Play of the Week is a special teams play, so this becomes a no-brainer. While it was Dyshod Carter who scooped up the fumble after the punt returner muffed it, I'd like to point out that it was Ryan Pontbriand who arrived second at the scene of the crime. We haven't seen much from Ryan this season in the way of tackles or interesting plays. Obviously, he's laying low, in preparation for a monster breakout season in 2005.
Corey says: I choose DE #94, Amon Gordon, who, in the first action of his career (I think), filled in admirably for The People's Choice, who became the new "injured Browns starter du jour". Amon recorded 2 tackles and one assist, making himself yet another backup or injury replacement on the defensive line to record more tackles than Gerard Warren in a game this year. Amon weighs more than 300 pounds, but in high school, he was a running back! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
For some reason, this picture sums up the Browns season very well to me. Plus, brown jerseys in the snow look awesome.
Corey says: It occurs to me that in 14 weeks of choosing fashionable jerseys, neither Alex nor I has ever chosen our favorite Browns jersey, the #64 "PONTBRIAND" that Alex often wears on Sundays, a gift from me a couple of years ago. In Week 1, in our very first "Born and Raised...", Alex made a remark about being disqualified from picking his own jersey, but I honestly don't know where he got that idea.
Corey says: Last week, after the Browns and Bills played their game in a light snow, I wrote up a list, the "Top 5 Teams Most Meant to Play in the Snow", since both of those franchises deserve to be on such a list. I made up a flimsy connection to the Cheater of Week so that I'd have a place to present my list. Well, this week, the Browns played yet another game in the snow, only it was against a team that deserves to be on quite a different list. So, in the spirit of finishing what I started, I name Marty Schottenheimer as my Cheater of the Week, for cheating Mother Nature herself, designing a successful snowstorm game plan despite heading up a franchise that has no right scoring a single touchdown in such a beautiful Cleveland snow, let alone three touchdowns. This week, my list is all about calling attntion to those pathetic, prancing, all-finesse teams whose fans don't know what it means to attend a real football game. Here we go:
I don't know what Alex was able to find in the way of a game recap, but for me, it was pretty much the NFL Films highlight reel and a thorough look at the stats. Apparently, I didn't miss much. The first thing I noticed was that the Browns' juggernaut offensive attack exploded all the way into triple digits in yards gained! The defense, meanwhile, allowed San Diego only four complete passes. Of course, Marty Schottenheimer, well aware of the best ways to beat the Browns, and certainly aware of the best way to gain yards in the brutal Cleveland snow, only called seven pass plays, cough, cough. Of the three that were unsuccessful, two were incomplete and one was a sack.
What struck me, though, other than the fact that the Browns offense played poorly yet again, was that the San Diego offense didn't play that much better. The difference in the game, it seems to me, was the fact that the Browns, in their three scoring opportunities, went 0-for-3 (throwing an interception, sending in Robot Phil to miss a field goal, and turning it over on downs), whereas the Chargers, in their three scoring opportunities, came away with three touchdowns. So while the score was lopsided, the other stats are fairly even. Maybe it didn't look that way from watching, but then, how would I know?
Play of the Week
Alex says: Um, well, seeing as how SportsCenter showed all three of San Diego's touchdowns about twice (brought to you by Mastercard, Kraft Food, Miller Light, and the Tom Emanski Defensive Drills Video) and nothing else, and the Browns decided against making good on three trips to the redzone, I'll have to go with the Browns' biggest gain of the afternoon: Luke McCown's 39-yard pass to Dennis Northcutt to begin the Browns' first drive of the second half. I have no idea whether it was a catch-and-run or merely a long bomb, but seeing as how Quentin Jammer was called for interference and still made the tackle, I'll guess that it was a long bomb. You have to give it up to Dennis Northcutt these past two weeks: 6 receptions, 67 yards. Sadly, that is tied with Antonio Bryant for the team lead.Corey says: The NFL Films highlight reel shows a mere eight plays this week, and only two of them go in favor of the Browns. Really, I feel as though my hands are tied. The stats show that there ought to be at least a few more candidates, such as a 26-yard run by Lee Suggs, the longest in quite a while (what, did the offensive linemen accidentally find themselves standing in the paths of the gentlemen they were supposed to block?). But of the two plays I can actually see, I'll choose Dyshod Carter's fumble recovery on a botched San Diego punt return early in the first quarter. Hey, just like the play I chose last week! The turnover left the Browns on the 5-yard line, closer to the Dawg Pound than they've been in, like, 8 decades. Except for when they're backed up against the Dawg Pound in their own territory, of course. Derrick Frost deserves praise, too, for unleashing a punt that landed on the Chargers' 5-yard line, inches from the sideline. Perfect. I'll ignore, for the moment, the fact that Luke McCown threw an extra-stupid interception on the very next play.
Player of the Week
Alex says: This goes to my main man, Dennis Northcutt. Northcutt was responsible for the two biggest yard gainers of the day for the Browns (a 39-yard reception in the third, and a 38-yard punt return in the fourth) which allowed him to edge out the Suggernaut as yardage leader (106 to 103--don't forget Lee's reception for -2 yards). On the topic of Suggs though, let's not chalk this up as another Week-17-of-2003-esque game, Suggs did mix in 6 rushes of negative or zero yards with his other nice runs.Corey says: I suppose it has to be Lee Suggs, who somehow rushed for a hundred yards, averaging an unprecedented 5.0 yards per carry (compare that to LaDainian Tomlinson's 4.3 yards per carry). Normally, I'm not one who likes to give any credit at all to a running back for his performance, since I am of the belief that they don't really do much - either there's a hole to run through, and they run through it, or there's not, and they get tackled (I really don't think there's much of a difference between Priest Holmes, and, say, James Jackson; if you put Jackson behind the Chiefs' blockers, you'd watch him rush for just as many yards and touchdows, much like Holmes' backup is already doing this season in KC). At this point in the season, however, I simply can't bring myself to praise the Browns' pathetic excuse for an offensive line, so I'll give Suggs some credit.
Postgame Quote of the Week
Alex says:--Earl Little. Earl Little was asked to describe how Antonio Gates was able to score a 72-yard touchdown and outrun him. In fantastic Earl Little-fashion: it's not my fault! Later in the locker room interviews, Earl discussed for seven minutes why he shouldn't have been benched for Chris Crocker earlier this season. Let me just address Earl here and say: Earl, no one cares. Please shut up about that now. And saying that you were finally vindicated because "cream always rises to the top" is crap too because Crocker is injured. Way to out-injure yourself back into a starting position.It was a blown coverage.... I don’t want to throw anybody under the bus, but one of the linebackers was supposed to run with him. I don’t know what happened.
Corey says:
--Terry Robiskie. I've included the first two sentences of this quote for comedy. But really, my point here is that I'd like, if I may, to speak on behalf of everyone and accept your apology, Mr. Robiskie, with no hard feelings, because I know - and I think the people know - that it's not your fault that you suck. I don't hold it against you. In fact, I don't hold anything against anyone, not just in football, but in life. Call it a personal policy. (A policy, I should point out, that doesn't apply to Jose Mesa or, at times, an additional select few. The policy has a design flaw, I am aware.) Now, I may just be a little bitter at the moment, but I truly want you to remember this, Terry, when, some day, you take stock of your life and wonder sadly why you never got that golden chance to be real NFL head coach.I think the players are starting to care about the Cleveland Browns. I think the players are starting to care about the fans of Cleveland, the people of Cleveland. And I know the people of Cleveland care. So my hat's off to those people: the Cleveland Browns fans that were not here today, the Cleveland Browns fans around the world. I also want to apologize. I want to say I'm sorry, I really do. I'm sorry not just about today, but I'm sorry about the season.
Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week
Alex says: I doubt I have to explain why I choose Dyshod Carter's recovery of Drayton Florence's muffed punt return. Sorry.Corey says: Well, my Play of the Week is a special teams play, so this becomes a no-brainer. While it was Dyshod Carter who scooped up the fumble after the punt returner muffed it, I'd like to point out that it was Ryan Pontbriand who arrived second at the scene of the crime. We haven't seen much from Ryan this season in the way of tackles or interesting plays. Obviously, he's laying low, in preparation for a monster breakout season in 2005.
Obscure Brown of the Week
Alex says: Defensive tackle #74, Nick Eason, who played in his very first regular season NFL game Sunday. He made one tackle and added an assist, thus outdoing "starter" Gerard Warren's contribution for the day (only one tackle). At this point I think Gerard Warren's chances of remaining a Brown next season are about 2-3% despite Ace Davis's report of his contract being cheap.Corey says: I choose DE #94, Amon Gordon, who, in the first action of his career (I think), filled in admirably for The People's Choice, who became the new "injured Browns starter du jour". Amon recorded 2 tackles and one assist, making himself yet another backup or injury replacement on the defensive line to record more tackles than Gerard Warren in a game this year. Amon weighs more than 300 pounds, but in high school, he was a running back! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Fashion of the Week
Alex says:
For some reason, this picture sums up the Browns season very well to me. Plus, brown jerseys in the snow look awesome.
Corey says: It occurs to me that in 14 weeks of choosing fashionable jerseys, neither Alex nor I has ever chosen our favorite Browns jersey, the #64 "PONTBRIAND" that Alex often wears on Sundays, a gift from me a couple of years ago. In Week 1, in our very first "Born and Raised...", Alex made a remark about being disqualified from picking his own jersey, but I honestly don't know where he got that idea.
Cheater of the Week
Alex says: I choose my father, Official Dad of the Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times (currently third in our poll results for proposed new Browns coach, behind only LeBron and Halle Berry and one of six loyal readers), for making not only me, but my favorite brother as well, miss the entirety of the Browns game. Shame on you, Dr. Rubin, and your lousy flight-booking skills. I think any of my non-Clevelander friends can attest to the lengths to which I would go, if necessary, to watch my teams. But, alas, it was not to be this week.Corey says: Last week, after the Browns and Bills played their game in a light snow, I wrote up a list, the "Top 5 Teams Most Meant to Play in the Snow", since both of those franchises deserve to be on such a list. I made up a flimsy connection to the Cheater of Week so that I'd have a place to present my list. Well, this week, the Browns played yet another game in the snow, only it was against a team that deserves to be on quite a different list. So, in the spirit of finishing what I started, I name Marty Schottenheimer as my Cheater of the Week, for cheating Mother Nature herself, designing a successful snowstorm game plan despite heading up a franchise that has no right scoring a single touchdown in such a beautiful Cleveland snow, let alone three touchdowns. This week, my list is all about calling attntion to those pathetic, prancing, all-finesse teams whose fans don't know what it means to attend a real football game. Here we go:
Top 5 Teams Least Meant to Play in the Snow
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers. You've heard the statistics before. Until recently, the Buccaneers had never won a single game in temperatures below 40 degrees. It didn't help that, until recently, the Buccaneers were the most pathetic franchise in NFL history, under any circumstances. Ultimately, they get the top spot because of a combination of their sissy fans with their piña coladas and whatnot, their geographic location, and the afforementioned stat regarding cold temperatures.
- St. Louis Rams. Certain teams with domed stadiums (whose reputations tend to be all about finesse and/or a lack of toughness) can at least claim that they used to play in the snow, such as the Vikings or Colts. The Rams, though, are not only the most domey of all the dome teams, they used to play in Los Angeles, for crying out loud! Not a good combination.
- San Diego Chargers. Unlike, say, Tampa Bay, the Chargers have a little bit of history in their corner, which keeps them out of the top 2, but their geographical location alone is enough to ensure their place among the top 3. I mean, what business do the freaking San Diego Chargers have beating us, in Cleveland, in a blizzard?! Oh, right... we suck.
- Arizona Cardinals. These last two spots get tricky. There are about 5 or 6 teams that are all deserving. I chose the Cardinals, though, because they play in the desert. Their climate is the most extreme of all, I think. In fact, if they were - or had ever been - a decent team, I might not consider them for this list at all because of their potential ability to intimidate visiting opponents from the north, much the way we do to visiting opponents from the sun belt.
- Miami Dolphins. Some people will want to see the Dolphins much higher on this list, because hey, it's Miami, but I have to say, the franchise doesn't really fit the mold of its city, namely because they have such a storied history, which I respect. Plus they played in that one game in Dallas on Thanksgiving when it was snowing for some reason; that was pretty funny. Anyway, they still beat out the rest of the candidates (Jacksonville, New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta, Dallas) because, hey, it's Miami.
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