While fans of most other NFL teams, if their team had put on the Browns' "performance" of yesterday, could say "that was one for the record books," sadly, we cannot. How bad was the game? Really, really bad. But was it the worst game in New Browns history? After much searching, I finally found box scores dating back to 1999, and I looked at every Browns loss (all 65 of them in 5.625 seasons) and judged them on yards gained, yards allowed, first downs, time of possession, and margin of defeat to determine which in fact was the biggest blowout.

The New Browns' All-Time Botttom 5 Games

5. Week 13, 2003 - Seahawks 34, Browns 7: First of all, the game really deserved to be 34-0, but Andre King returned a blocked punt for a meaningless touchdown with 3:00 left in the 4th quarter. After the game, with the understatement of the year, Butch Davis said "We got beat by a good football team today. We didn't play very well at times." I didn't make up that quote.
4. Week 13, 2000 - Ravens 44, Browns 7: During the great Wynn/Pederson quarterback controversy (when people all over Cleveland debated: are either of them quarterbacks?!) the Ravens and especially Ray Lewis afforded themselves an NFL Films highlight reel for the ages in this game. I think we've all seen that clip of Ray Lewis spinning Pederson around and flinging him down a thousand times on ESPN and NFL Films. Also, if you've ever played Madden 2005, the clip of Jamel White being crushed (which is played everytime you fire up the disc) is also probably from this game. The Baltimorons more than quadrupled the pathetic Browns offense in yards, though the Browns actually held a 7-0 lead at one point.
3. Week 14, 2000 - Jaguars 48, Browns 0: The very next week after being demolished by the Ravens, Spergon Wynn led the Browns to an even more embarassing loss. Somehow, Mark Brunell only threw for 165 yards on 15 of 31, but the Jags still outgained the Browns by 396 yards. Sadly, the Browns leading receiver was Jamel White, with 2 receptions and 11 yards, making the Browns' -9 net yards passing no surprise.
2. Week 14, 2004 - Bills 37, Browns 7: I don't think I have to recap this game too much, but I'll just highlight the interesting statistics of the game. The Browns' longest drive of the game was a 5-play 23-yarder in the first quarter that ended with a Luke McCown interception. The Bills outgained us by over 18 times!
1. Week 1, 1999 - Steelers 43, Browns 0: I think we all remember this game vividly--the rebirth and subsequent death of the new Browns. I remember watching ESPN and Drew Carey making some prophetic speech that one can no longer joke about Cleveland because we had a football team again. Uh, Drew? Yeah, um, you shouldn't have said that. The Browns only squeaked out 2 first downs, 40 total yards, and had to wait until at least Week 2 before attaining their first third-down conversion. Most amazing is that the Browns only had the ball for 12:11; that's only one-fifth of the game!

Play of the Week

Alex says: Thanks again to the entire Browns team for a concerted effort in making this really easy on me. The Play of the Week was of course the Browns' only touchdown. It was in fact a beautiful play, beating a big blitz and getting the ball to Northcutt in the open field like he should be. It was pretty much one of 6 or 7 plays in the entire game that turned out to be beneficial to the Browns.

Corey says: If Alex and I didn't have such unequivocally strong journalistic integrity and neverending devotion to our dumb weekly Browns feature, I would pass on this category, as a gesture of both laziness and disgust at the pathetic performance of the team. As it stands, though, I will stoop to picking a so-called "Play" of the Week, so long as it is understood by all who read this weblog that I neither applaud nor condone the play in question. I refuse to go with the Northcutt touchdown, because, on the play before it, McCown threw an interception in the endzone that was cancelled due to a penalty, lucky for him, so I'll go with Luke's 11-yard scramble for a first down which took place earlier in that same drive. It was the Browns' longest rush of the day. It was also the only time the Browns rushed for a first down in the entire game.

Player of the Week

Alex says: Oh boy, with such a tremendous team gameplan, designed for no one to stand out, I'll give this honor to Eric Lebron Westmoreland. He barely played enough to hurt the team like most of the other guys, and when he was in, he managed to force Willie Spaghetti to fumble. Plus, as we all know, his middle name is Lebron.

Corey says: My Player of the Week is LeBron James, who, with his contribution of "nothing", did as much - or more - to help the Browns' effort to win yesterday's game than anyone else in the universe. So congratulations to LeBron, a first-time recipient of our Player of the Week honors. Somehow I think he'll forgive me for saying that I hope he doesn't win this category any more in the future. It's a LeBron sweep!

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

I really don’t know if we can win another game.

--Terry Robiskie. Despite standing on the sideline exuding "I don't know what I'm doing," I have to give credit to Robiskie for being honest. I don't think even the most misled observer of the Browns could think that they have a chance of beating another team, even the 49ers. (Who won this week, bringing the Browns one step closer to blowing the #1 overall pick. Unfortunately, the 49ers will have to beat either Washington, Buffalo, or New England, although they do play the Patriots in Week 17 and Belichick might rest his starters.)

Corey says:

Cleveland had the potential to be expolsive on offense. When you look at them against Cincinnati a couple weeks ago, they put up 48 points, so, to come in and think we would hold them to less than 200, less than 300 yards, that's not something we really envisioned.

--Bills LB London Fletcher. Less than 200 yards, you say? You held them to 17 freaking yards, Copernicus. You have moved way beyond the area where you need to complement your opponent's effort, or talk about how things might have been. You, London Fletcher, are a fool if you try to explain to your little Buffalo media that the Browns' offense was anything but pathetic and/or hilarious on Sunday.

Ryan Pontbriand Honorary Special Teams Moment of the Week

Alex says: I'll go with Mason Unck's strong hit on a Jonathan Smith punt return in the third quarter. I don't think there is much else to say about it, but a definite moan came from all the patrons watching the game at Browns Backers.

Corey says: It's got to be Michael Jameson's forced fumble on a Buffalo punt return, which was recovered by Barry Gardner deep in Bills territory, late in the first quarter. It led to the Browns' only score of the afternoon. How else did you expect them to march down the field? By passing? By rushing?!

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: #35 Dyshod Carter because I have no idea who he is. He actually was on the Browns for a brief period in 2001. Since then he has been signed and waived by New England and Arizona and has played in NFL Europe. Anyways, he made a nice play to knock the ball out of Eric Moulds' hands in the endzone in the third. Plus, his middle name is Vontae.

Corey says: At some point, with 89% of the Browns' opening day starters injured, we will reach a point where the Obscure Brown of the Week is, by default, the Player of the Week, since they're all obscure. This week, however, I select Alvin "Mount" McKinley, #97. He recorded the team's only sack, recovered a fumble, and, with only one tackle, managed to equal the total of the man he backed up, Gerard Warren. In fact, for the season, Gerard Warren has managed only 6 solo tackles (and 5 assists), compared to Mount McKinley's 20 solo tackles (and 13 assists). That's right, his backup has more than three times as many tackles as he does this season!

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: If you didn't notice, the Browns standing on the sideline often wear gigantic parka robes to keep warm in the snow. While these are a hideous traffic-cone orange, they do have some stylistic merits; namely, Brownie, the Browns elf! I love the elf and I wish the Browns would include their former logo on more team apparel.

Corey says: I need to go with a throwback yet again. You understand. I choose a classic white #21 "METCALF". Eric Metcalf, or, as he was known in our household, "Boom, Boom, Goodbye", is a great player to honor with a throwback jersey, for several reasons. Everyone remembers him fondly, but you don't see people wearing his jersey very often. His name evokes a nice mix of recognizability and underappreciation. Also, regarding the orange parkas, I kind of like them. The team wore them as far back as the 60's, as I often observe on late-night NFL films shows on ESPN Classic.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: I think we can all agree that Terry Robiskie is clueless about being a head coach, but this line of decisions made me angry: he benched Luke McCown to bring in an injured Jeff Garcia, who then reinjured himself in only two plays! First of all, if Garcia was healthy enough to play, he would be starting, so obviously he was still injured. So then why bench Luke? We knew he was going to suck big time, and by that time the game was all but over--Garcia was not going to lead a comeback with only about 3 starters left on offense. Thankfully though, even if Garcia is out for the season, it will make no difference one way or another.

Corey says: Whoever designed the current Buffalo uniforms. It's not the uniforms themselves that bother me so much. While I'd still find them ugly, I wouldn't have such a problem with them if they were designed for, say, the Buccaneers, or the Texans. No, the problem is that they are finesse (or "girly") uniforms, meant to be worn in the sunshine. Classic (or "manly") uniforms, such as the Browns', are the ones meant to be worn in the snow. This got me to thinking about the NFL teams most meant to play their games in the snow, and how the Bills' change of uniforms has affected their place among the pantheon of great snow-playing teams. So, to close out this week's "Born and Raised", I present another extra-special list:

Top 5 Teams Most Meant to Play in the Snow

1. Green Bay Packers. Much as I'd like to claim the top spot for the Browns, the Packers own this position, fair and true. They have the famous Frozen Tundra and the Ice Bowl of '67. Frankly, they have geography and history on their side. Their uniforms, classic as they come, are the perfect finishing touch to this, a franchise that was born to play in the snow.
2. Cleveland Browns. This spot just might have belonged to Buffalo if they had stuck to their classic-looking Jim Kelly uniforms, or even their older, O.J.-era ones. Both Buffalo and Cleveland have lake effect snow in their column, the only two NFL cities who do, but the Browns have the classic look, plus the fact that they play right on the shores of the lake, where icy winds are known to be a problem. Throw in a couple of old highlight reels of Jim Brown plowing (pun intended) his way through helpless defenders, and it's not even close.
3. Chicago Bears. They're like the Packers, what with the history, the classic stadium (sort of), and the classic uniforms, only they're not quite as far north. Having lived in Chicago, too, I've noticed that while the winters seem slightly colder than they do in Cleveland, there is not nearly as much snow. Once again, this spot should belong to Buffalo, but manly uniforms beat out girly uniforms every time.
4. Buffalo Bills. They still have a nice little bit of history, and they definitely have geography on their side. It still counts for something, even though I'm trying to illustrate a point.
5. New England Patriots. They don't have quite the history that the other franchises do, and it counts against them that they don't play in the Midwest, where football was born, and the current uniforms, while sufficient, don't quite fit the "snow team" model, but they most definitely have the right climate, and one extremely memorable playoff game in the snow in 2001. Those two things are more than enough to help them beat out the Giants for the fifth spot on the list.

Next week: We'll recap the week's action yet again, as the Browns hire a bunch of local former football players and retreads in a hilarious attempt to win, wherein they all learn important life lessons and eventually overcome bickering and frustration to beat their intimidating rival, the San Diego Chargers, in another classic thriller!