Did yesterday's game really happen, or was it an illusion? The New York Giants made their opponent look like the 2000 Browns. Returning the favor, the Cleveland Browns made their opponent look like the 2000 Giants. Think about that. It's like the chicken and the egg...

Welcome to another edition of "Born and Raised", friends. As you might guess, no one from this blog is particularly happy about what happened yesterday. Our collective Week 1 optimism, you see, is turning out to have been illusionment, which would certainly explain this pesky bout of disillusionment. Suddenly the 2004 season seems to be gathering all the key ingredients of a classic Cleveland Browns masterpiece season: another 19 starters were lost to injuries; the team managed 3 yards of total offense but kept the game close until the fourth quarter; Butch Davis just received a contract extension through 2021; Doug Dieken kept referring to Jamal Lewis as "Jamel" and Jamel White as "Jamal"...

Okay, so that last one didn't really happen, but with Doug Dieken at the mic, somehow it felt like it did. Anyway, I don't want to be too pessimistic when I know our dear readers are pessimistic enough already. That's why we're going to focus on the positive, or at least make it up, just like we always do. It's the best illusion of all! Without further ado...

Play of the Week

Alex says: Derrick Frost's vicious tackle of Mark Jones on his 21-yard punt return in the 2nd quarter. Normally a punter-tackle takes place once the returner passes all other special teamers, but not this time. Frosty comes out of nowhere, like a bullet, and throws himself at Jones--knocking him squarely in the chest. A beautiful tackle. Better yet, Frost gets up and agrily pounds his palm showing his disgust that the special teamers (except for Pontbriand, of course) aren't talented enough to tackle a loser like Jones.

Corey says: Why, it was William Green's 49-yard touchdown run that cut New York's lead to 10 at the end of the third quarter. What? That run was nullified by a holding penalty? Well, in my book it counted. Actually, in my book, the Browns won, 63-0. Hooray!

Player of the Week

Alex says: Strangely, Quincy Morgan. In my book, it is not the player who contributed most beneficially, but who overperformed the most. Quincy Morgan had a very nice long reception before that disgusting helmet-to-helmet cheapshot. Also, his touchdown catch was quite skillful. Quinsanity, congratulations, you didn't drop any ridiculously easy passes, nor did you do your "throwing the flag" pantomime: you're the player of the week.

Corey says: William Green. In all seriousness, the fact that Green managed to rush for 91 yards when we were playing catch-up the entire game is impressive. Plus, he lost about 30 yards on that meaningless holding penalty. He could easily have rushed for 120 in a losing cause.

Postgame Quote of the Week

Alex says:

He did a great job of throwing the ball backward, he saw me breaking on the ball. If he threw the ball in front of him, it'd been an interception. So what he did, he saw me breaking up, he threw the ball backward. So Amani Toomer just made a great adjustment, and caught the ball back.

--Earl Little. In one of the most confusing post-game interviews of all-time, Earl uses the word "he" six times in three sentences. Earl is attempting to explain why he didn't intercept some pass directed towards Toomer, but I can't quite remember which pass exactly. While we can assume "he" is Kurt Warner, how does he throw the ball backwards?

Corey says:

The offense was fine, man. Guys stepped in and did a great job. Guys who took the place of other guys.

--Quincy Morgan. Now who's being illusioned? Which "guys", exactly, did a great job filling in for "other guys"? Aaron Shea and Joaquin Gonzalez? Didn't those two combine for about 100 yards in penalties? Maybe my memories are exaggerated, but at least I'm not the one who said "the offense was fine, man". I mean, Quincy, please.

Pontbriand Moment of the Week

Alex says: Every week it gets increasingly difficult to pick a single moment, or at least make a witty comment to sidestep the issue of Pontbriand. But I still have some left in me. So I say, Jeff Faine's failed shotgun snap. You just know that Ryan would've completed that snap.

Corey says: The most important subplot of the game was the Battle of the Ryans: Pontbriand vs. the man he replaced, Ryan Kuehl (the former best long snapper in the league), now long snapping for the Giants. Kuehl's snaps were adequate, yes, but were they perfect? Advantage: Pontbriand. Also, following up on one of last week's items, yet another long snapper caught a touchdown pass this week: the Eagles' Mike Bartrum. Butch, c'mon, don't miss the train on this one.

Obscure Brown of the Week

Alex says: James Jackson. I know some may disagree over "the next Edgerrin James"'s obscurity because his name is well-known for he was once a starter; but now, he is the 3rd RB on the depth chart, making him obscure in my book. I must say he has impressed me greatly this season. His cuts and fakes are crisp and effective. I personally don't see Suggs' return as some great gain to our offense, because Green and Jackson have been doing so well in his absence. Essentially, Jackson is Suggs, just with more experience and less hype. Seriously, Suggs has only had one good game! Let's not go crazy people.

Corey says: How about everyone's favorite condiment/NFL Europe standout, Chad Mustard? After being heartbroken when Chad was cut at the end of the preseason, I was thrilled to see him re-signed this week in order to fill out the depth chart after Sgt. Kellen was wounded in battle. "Colonel" Mustard had one catch for nine yards in the game yesterday, a total which led all Cleveland Browns tight ends! That catch took place on 4th and 1, by the way, deep in Giants territory. If Jeff Garcia hadn't fumbled a few plays later (letting the score run to 17-0 when it should have been 10-7), then Mustard's catch might have been a candidate for Play of the Week.

Fashion of the Week

Alex says: The #8 "Frost". I think the bilateral symmetry of the eight complements the orange pants spectacularly. Also, I love how his shoulder pads are about double the size of any other punter's.

Corey says: If ever it felt like the week for a throwback, this is it. I'm going with a classic #82 "Newsome". I've seen plenty of Jim Brown jerseys, Bernie Kosar jerseys, Clay Matthews jerseys, I've even seen a Lou Groza and a Hanford Dixon, but I've never seen anyone wearing an Ozzie Newsome jersey. Curious.

Cheater of the Week

Alex says: No doubt about it, Gibril Wilson. His unsettling illegal helmet-to-helmet hit on Quincy was very dangerous. There is a very good reason that those kind of hits are banned in the NFL. Thankfully, Quincy got up and walked away immediately. But watching the replays made me notice that Wilson easily could have just lowered his head and hit Morgan with a shoulder pad and still delivered a pretty jarring blow. But no, he decided to cheat, and for that he receives the eternal shame of being named my "Cheater of the Week".

Corey says: You know, Alex and I recently had a little discussion about this category. I didn't intend for it to be taken literally; I originally thought that it would just be a cheeky way for me to name the "opposing player whose contribution to the game I most resented" each week. Alex, for his part, is quick to point out that, in order for anyone to beat the mighty Cleveland Browns, they would have to cheat, so he's content in actually implying that "so-and-so" was really cheating. Just keep it in mind. Oh, and my Cheater of the Week is Jeremy Shockey; that guy is such an overrated doofus, and because people associate him with Kellen Winslow, Kellen's image is forever tarnished.